Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

dense husband

(31 Posts)
chucksaway Sun 21-Oct-12 16:14:20

Please can someone give me some advice, I have been married 6 years and have two children under four. My husband can be a kind person and can be considerate but he is also a bit of an alpha male and has a large ego and likes to hear his own voice about how brilliant he is. He has recently landed a very high position and once again works all the time. He is in his element as now he has what he has always wanted. During the week we hardly see him and at weekends he goes for a rest twice a day to recover from the week. Suffice to say I feel our home life is pretty shit. When I complain about it I get lots of abuse like I am lazy, I have no ambition, and worse - a lecture on what it is to be successful. Further, how could I possibly understand what is needed to be successful as there are no successful people in my family. Did I say he has a big ego. After this latest barrage I feel my marriage is dead because I simply cannot get past how he spoke to me or insulted my family. Has anyone experienced anything like this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 16:24:15

What... experienced living with a selfish, lazy, insulting tit that thinks they are far more important than the rest of the family? smile Not quite but yours sounds like a tit of prize-winning proportions.

I would buck the trend of being the latest in a long line of unsuccessful people if I were you. Get along to a solicitor, slap him with some divorce papers and take advantage of the proceeds of his 'very high position' without the inconvenience of having him along with the package. He's happier at work.... let him stay there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 16:27:16

"Condescending"... that's the adjective I forgot. I remember my snobbish exH saying about my working-class family that he didn't know how I could stand to be related to 'the likes of them' once. Which, given how dysfunctional and impoverished his own family was at the time, was pretty priceless.

Sorry you're in this situation. Are you feeling OK?

Naghoul Sun 21-Oct-12 16:46:29

I am afraid to say I agree with Cogito sad

I don't think he values your contribution at all, and he sees his job and earnings as important above all else, with no regard for his family.

He will be very lonely with half his money sad

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sun 21-Oct-12 16:48:39

Definitely a leave the bastard. Get legal advice, get him out!

HeinousHecate Sun 21-Oct-12 16:51:59

alpha male is code for arse, right?

He is verbally abusive. you have to decide what you want to happen. you can't control how he chooses to treat you, but you can control whether or not you accept it.

TiAAAAARGHo Sun 21-Oct-12 16:52:46

Ltb. Only option.

Grevling Sun 21-Oct-12 16:55:57

I'm assuming he was this much of a twat when you married him?

If the marriage is dead then best to move on. Or you could be unhappy for a few years and then move on.

akaemmafrost Sun 21-Oct-12 16:57:08

Yes you have described my EX to a T!

"You've got to make it happen for yourself Emma, like I did" (with me providing constant back up and child care)

"Why don't you crawl back under the rock you were under when I met you"

"Lazy money grabbing bitch"

"You've never achieved anything in your life, you're not riding on my back now that I am doing well"

Can't live like that sad. Once these things are said they cannot be unsaid. These attacks weaken the foundations of a relationship and I don't see how you can come back from them. They cause irreparable damage.

ScarahScreams Sun 21-Oct-12 17:05:06

OP what do you want to do? Do you want to leave him?

IvanaHumpalotCountDracula Sun 21-Oct-12 17:11:42

uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/what-s-a-housewife-worth-.html
Scroll down, gives an actual figure

www.economica.ca/ew09_1p2.htm
Interesting article

I would argue you do have a very successful career, both in term's of £ value -contributing to running a family and home and 'job satisfaction' (raising happy healthy kids/everyone's nice home life).

If his job involves sales, finance, accountancy etc... (I'm assuming an understanding of what it costs to bring in outside labour) tell him to tot up your £ value to the Family Firm.

And as he probably considers himself your line manager (in his head) ask for a review of your working conditions, access to holidays/sick and lunch breaks. If you don't get a good enough answer, tell him you're off to see HR (your solicitor).

How's them apples...

By the way - if he didn't have such a settled home life, whose to say he would have been able to devote time to the job to get this promotion. An Opportunity Cost Analysis.

Lastly, if he can't get everything done during the working week (flat out mon-fri) Without it over spilling into the weekend. Or being so knackered he can't spend anytime with the family, then I would suggest the job is too much for him.

When the kids are older, perhaps they would like to do a performance review of their dad. Wonder how he would score on that?

Ggrrrrrr - this topic makes my teeth itch.

BerylStreep Sun 21-Oct-12 20:14:49

Knob.

Very hurtful.

lisaro Sun 21-Oct-12 20:17:49

In answer to your last question, OP, yes, I think we've all met a complete knob before. It your foot down-actually, when he spouts his derogatory crap just laugh at him and tell him what an arse biscuit he is.

janelikesjam Sun 21-Oct-12 22:13:09

"And as he probably considers himself your line manager (in his head) ask for a review of your working conditions, access to holidays/sick and lunch breaks. If you don't get a good enough answer, tell him you're off to see HR (your solicitor)"

Well I LOL at this, though I suppose that is no consolation to you, OP.

What do you want to do? You say he can be kind and considerate so maybe you could have the "talk" when you are both relaxed and alone (I guess a bit difficult when he is hardly ever home) and say how insulted you were that he spoke to you like that, see what he says...

However, if such unplesantness ongoing e.g. being called lazy and unambitious, you could keep a diary to get a bigger picture before next deciding what to do. I think detailed diaries of hurt (whilst excrutiating) can help you get an objective view overall of what is happening in a romance or relationship, especially if it is a confusing one e.g. nice one minute/nasty the next (though I am not saying yours is like that, I don't know). I have often been amazed when reading back what is there and black and white but I couldn't "see" blush

tinkertitonk Sun 21-Oct-12 23:37:03

Yes, he's a twat (and an insecure one at that), but there are children involved. Yet we're already at "Leave the bastard" as if this were just a matter of changing buses.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 23:41:47

The OP said 'I feel my marriage is dead' tinkertitonk.... and, from her description, this isn't some casual statement that she's arrived at like changing a bus. We're at 'leave the bastard' therefore because this doesn't sound recoverable.

chucksaway Mon 22-Oct-12 08:38:11

Thanks for all the replies everyone, some very good points made. I think i will start keeping a diary and for now I cant bear to be in the same room as him. And yes I do still feel my marriage is dead but of course we have children together. What he said has hurt me to the core, yet it isn't the first time he has said something like this so Ive already been down the forgiveness road. It is going to take a long time for me to recover from this and in the meantime I am making the most of each day with my children, he can do what the hell he likes.

chucksaway Mon 22-Oct-12 08:40:39

"And as he probably considers himself your line manager (in his head) ask for a review of your working conditions, access to holidays/sick and lunch breaks. If you don't get a good enough answer, tell him you're off to see HR (your solicitor)"

this is hysterical smile im not sitting moping any more and wasting my emotional energy on it

arthriticfingers Mon 22-Oct-12 08:57:15

Tosser
You will need strength and real life support.
And, yes, it takes a long while to get over being abused - so the sooner you and your children start ...
The support here is great, so keep posting.

cronullansw Mon 22-Oct-12 09:03:34

Yup, LTb. I mean, how worse can it be? You get everything bought you, cars holidays, and stuff, because you are doing the hardest job of all, no man knows how hard it is to raise two kids under four, the only peace you'd get in a day is when they are nappin or at the pre school.

Yup, leave him leave him now, then he'll be forced to work even harder to keep you in the manner you've become accustomed to, and it'll cost him fortunes, and he'll get even more stressed and will have to work even harder to keep his job to keep the money rolling in, then he'll die from stress and exhaustion, then you'll have his life insurance - easy.

FlorentinePogen Mon 22-Oct-12 09:04:53

My husband can be a kind person and can be considerate but he is also a bit of an alpha male and has a large ego and likes to hear his own voice about how brilliant he is.

Presumably he exhibited these character traits were you first met. You were attracted to his alpha-maleness, which probably is part of the reason he's in a high powered job, which you also enjoy because you no doubt have a good standard of living.

But in spite of this, you've suddenly decided he's "dense".

Maybe you need to look in the mirror.

TiAAAAARGHo Mon 22-Oct-12 09:22:56

"And as he probably considers himself your line manager (in his head) ask for a review of your working conditions, access to holidays/sick and lunch breaks. If you don't get a good enough answer, tell him you're off to see HR (your solicitor)"

I love this too smile

Schrodingershamster Mon 22-Oct-12 09:26:27

Sounds a right cunt to me. Thank god i am single. Sorry OP i know that doesnt help you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Oct-12 09:48:43

"Maybe you need to look in the mirror."

Maybe you need to be a lot less righteous & realise that finding yourself in an abusive relationship can happen to anyone. It's not the victim's fault. Plenty of successful, egocentric, alpha male types in high-powered jobs are not abusive to their partners. You seem to be saying that, because the OP's DH earns plenty of money, she should think herself lucky. Put up and shut up, is it?

RibenaFiend Mon 22-Oct-12 09:51:27

Ivana I think it's safe to say you've achieved post of the day!!!

Thank you so much for your housewife salary link too. I forwarded it to a fab friend who sometimes forgets how valuable her contribution actually is.

OP I'm sorry my lovely but speaking to you like that is abusive. Yes I appreciate that you have 2 babies but do you want your children learning that behaviour?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now