Last night the neighbours opposite were having a party playing really loud music until 1am. My dh went over to ask them to turn music down. They got a bit stroppy, 'I've a degree in law. We've done nothing wrong'. I shouted -perhaps wrongly- 'Oh do shuttup, you idiots!! Have you seen the time?'
They did be quiet. That's not the issue, though.
But when we got back to our house, my dh got really funny. 'I told you to stay inside.' 'I instructed you to stay inside.' 'You don't speak in a situation like that again.'
His tone was quite chilling to me. His 'excuse' is that he was scared that things may have developed into violence and my behaviour -shouting and being 'aggressive' may have caused that.
erm. initially i thought, twat for telling you off, so to speak. then i thought, maybe he was scared right at the moment you shouted that something was going to happen to kick it off. That he would get beaten up or something, or they would retaliate to you. Who knows what pissed, pissed off people will do in that situation.
Was his tone usual for him? Has he apologized for his tone, have you TOLD him you did not like being spoken to like that op?
I wouldn't appreciate that tone either but as long as its not a normal occurrence and you feel able to discuss the situation and let him know that you didnt like it, then I would be inclined to put it down to tiredness and fear.
It's not that unusual for men to want to play down a potentially dangerous situation, where women will be confident because on some level they think their man will keep them safe (which he can't necessarily).
However, a more normal response is 'sweetheart, please try to quiet down if we get in a situation like that again, it doesn't help and may endanger you ' - just as you might say to him in similar circumstances.
You described his actual words as chilling, and tbh I agree.
If her husband had spoken to the op like that this morning hours after the event then yes I wouldn't be happy, but he said it as a knee jerk reaction moments after the incident when he most likely was running on adrenaline and fear, so as I've said no I wouldn't class this as abusive.
Had he been shaking, and said, 'for god's sake, don't do that again!' I wouldn't have minded. I was just sitting on the sofa and he was pacing the room and in a sort of calm, patronising voice lecturing me and all this 'You DO not. I instructed you' stuff.
If he's generally lovely in other ways then I perhaps wouldn't read too much into this. But keep an eye out...
It's a terrible thing that situations like this can escalate and I can see where he was coming from but, as everyone agrees, his tone was shitty.
I've been out with a bf and strongly felt I should keep my trap shut (to keep from saying something perfectly reasonable) as I could see that we had inadvertently got into a situation where someone else was clearly prepared to be aggressive. If I'd said anything my bf would have had to deal with any violent fallout. It's NOT the way a sane person want the 'world to work' but there's little accounting for other people being awful.
Depends on the relationship in general. If he talks to you like that regularly, then it's a big problem. If it was a one off caused by fear and stress then you need to calmly state that you don't find it acceptable to be spoken to like that.