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no respct - sorry, long!

(16 Posts)
allthekingshorses123 Sun 21-Oct-12 07:13:16

Basically it seems like my DP just has no respect for me at all. I'm at home looking after my DD (11 months old) all day while he goes to work. He works long hours, this week he has only been home for bedtime once and has only seen DD in the mornings for a half an hour or so before work so I've been on my own with no support all week.

So he is off today but had to work late last night, said he would be home around 7.30 and that he would take care of the night wakings so that I could get a full nights sleep. 8 o'clock came and I called him..no answer so I sent a text and got no reply. He regularly says he will be home at x time then goes to the pub and I will have no contact until he stumbles home in the early hours. I am so sick of it. I explain how it makes me feel but he clearly doesn't listen as he does it at least once a week. I mean if he actually cared he would make sure to come home wouldn't he? Or at least let me know what he was doing?

I called him again later and his phone was off. I got a text from him around 11.30 saying that apparently there was a situation in work and that he was still there. I phoned him then and he had clearly been drinking, apparently he had '2 beers' at 7 or so. Well he had obviously had more than that and it was more recent than 4 hours ago, he must think I'm an idiot! Also he said his phone had died which is why I couldn't reach him but now it was charged again. Turned off more like! He got home and passed out on the sofa so no nights sleep to me or a lie in like he promised.

I am just so sick of being treated like this. Like I don't even matter enough to send a quick text. No matter how often I tell him this he still does it. Not that we can have a discussion anyway, he just tells me to stop moaning or that he's said sorry so stop going on about it.

It upsets me to think of DD seeing her dad behaving like this and being disappointed herself when she's older because her dad doesn't show up like he promised. There's no way to make him change is there? he's been doing this for years even before DD was born but seems worse now or maybe it just bothers me more. I had to change to become a parent, why can't he?

Numberlock Sun 21-Oct-12 07:31:07

I'm afraid I would have locked him out last night.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 08:55:26

"I had to change to become a parent, why can't he?"

Because, in his selfish me-me-me world, there is no downside to still behaving like a single man. He is immature and irresponsible because there are no consequences to his actions. You, DD and the house are all still there when he chooses to roll home.... she's annoyed again but it'll blow over because it always does.

So stop the rot. Tell him again that you're sick of the way he treats the family as an afterthought but lay it on the line that if he does something similar again, not to bother with pathetic texts because he'll find his bags packed and the door bolted or you and DD gone. And then carry through your threat. His life has to get seriously uncomfortable before he'll take you seriously. Not a great basis for a relationship, admittedly, but I suppose 'LTB' is a little premature.

mummytime Sun 21-Oct-12 09:14:13

I would also be very suspicious about where he was and what he was doing.

I would lock him out too.

daffydowndilly Sun 21-Oct-12 09:15:09

Mine did exactly this for 6-7 years until I just couldn't do it any more. No amount of boundaries, locking doors, shouting, begging worked. I believe mine is an alcoholic and just couldn't help himself, after work it was just too easy to go to the pub and not have to put up with family life. He developed depression because of the drinking, and his behaviour profoundly affected my health.

With wonderful retrospect, the way I should have dealt with it from the start (but was so distracted with pregnancy, babies, sleep deprivation, stress, moving a lot), was I should have told him right at the start if he did it again that I would ask him to leave and ended the relationship. And I should have carried out the consequence of this boundary. I should have built up my emotional support, through friends, family, therapist (because that way I would have made sure I got the right support for me). I should have made sure I was financially independent. Perhaps I should have gone to Al Anon and learnt personal coping techniques.

What I should not have done is listen to his excuses, let him lie to me over and over again each week, I should not have listened to his promises, I should not have let him move our family 5 times in 6 years. I should not have tried to fix him. There is little as charming as an addict trying to get you on board. Staying with him with nothing changing seriously affected my self esteem, self respect. At one point I was walking down the street, regularly, crying while taking the children to preschool etc. The situation, if you don't deal with it, takes over and is so shaming. And nothing changes. He has no reason to change. The arguing about it and locking doors, just becomes part of the game playing.

I finally asked my H to leave just before Easter. And the sheer relief from the first day, that I didn't have the stress of sitting on the sofa like a zombie waiting for him to roll in after 8 or whatever pints at midnight was immense. He is no where near changing, as a 'functional alcoholic' he is managing his job and life, and thinks because he doesn't have to drink every day or in the morning, that he doesn't have a problem. He also has the perfect excuse, he has depression, that has caused all his woes.... hmm.

allthekingshorses123 Sun 21-Oct-12 09:20:06

I actually don't think he would care that much if I left, at least he could do what he wants then. Sometimes I think he is pushing for that, then he can paint me as the bad guy for ending it.

You are both right, I need to toughen up and stop being a doormat.

allthekingshorses123 Sun 21-Oct-12 09:28:46

Sorry just seen your post daffy. I'm sorry you went through that. I suspect that our situations are quite similar, I've been trying to change him for 6 years, and starting to see now that it is a lost cause

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 09:47:11

"Sometimes I think he is pushing for that, then he can paint me as the bad guy for ending it."

Then anticipate that situation and make it part of the ultimatum i.e. that if he carries on taking everything for granted and one day finds you and DD gone or the house bolted, he will be the one entirely to blame for breaking up the family. Give him the alternatives and be very clear that he's the one making a choice

daffydowndilly Sun 21-Oct-12 09:50:02

I know how you feel, it is heart breaking to live through this. In the end I began to realise two things would happen if I stayed, either I would end up killing myself because I couldn't cope with the sitation, or I would end up irreversibly unwell. Sounds dramatic, but I have met women further down the line that have developed severe depression because of similar situations. The best thing I ever did was get myself psychotherapy, so I could start believing in myself again and see the situation more realistically. It was the start of getting my life back. And 6 months later he lives with his parents and has not changed. Losing his wife and children was not enough.

allthekingshorses123 Sun 21-Oct-12 10:40:26

I just tried to speak to him but now isn't the time apparently. He won't have time to talk until tomorrow. He did have time to say that I'm the unreasonable one and that I have no idea what he has to deal with (at work) so therefore is justified in going to the pub. for fucks sake he is a selfish prick! I can see now that it has got worse since we relocated and I left my job..its because he knows I am financially dependent on him now and probably thinks I won't leave.

Numberlock Sun 21-Oct-12 10:44:32

So he got you to give up your job, move away from your friends and become financially dependent on him and now he's cranked up the abuse.

If he's off to work now, he'd be coming back to his bags packed on the lawn on his return if this were me.

Are your friends and family back in the place you moved away from? Any chance you could get your old job back?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 10:47:33

You're right about the financial dependence. When you have someone who is already selfish and entitled they often take the role of 'sole wage earner' and interpret it as 'tin-pot dictator'. Guarantee he not only thinks you have no choice but to stay but also that you should be very grateful he deigns to come home at all. He probably won't have time to talk tomorrow either.

Numberlock Sun 21-Oct-12 11:02:07

What is there to talk about though?

allthekingshorses123 Sun 21-Oct-12 11:15:40

We've moved countries twice for his job,both times I gave up my job to go. The first time I had a new job sorted in our destination before we left but it wasn't as well paid as my original job so I suppose I've been financially dependent on him since then more or less. This time with his salary i dont 'need' to work so I took the opportunity to be at home with DD for the first year or two. I know I'm fortunate to be in a position to not to have to work and I enjoy being there full time for my daughter and appreciate that he works hard. However,I do feel like he uses this against me if that makes sense. He says things like 'you get a job to support us all then and I'll stay at home' if I complain about him not spending enough time at home, shutting down the discussion and trying to make me feel like I have no right to complain (this tactic doesn't work with me!) Just to point out I can spend his/our money as I please and I don't have to account for every penny or anything like that

My family are here but I don't really have any friends around. My best friend moved away in the time I lived abroad, we keep in touch but its not an option to meet up. I'm quite a private person so I wouldn't talk to anyone about this in real life anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 12:06:47

Sorry, he sounds like an arse to me. If he routinely prefers to go for a few beers rather than spend time at home with the family, what is the point of him having a home and a family? If he thinks being the sole wage-earner means that his opinion is the only one that is irrelevant & that you should simply shut up & be grateful for his largesse and occasional presence, that just makes him a knob.

Don't know how you get through to someone that selfish... sorry.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 21-Oct-12 12:12:44

I suggest you take his advice and get a job.

It's a very foolish mistake to stay dependent on a selfish man like this.

I would question where he is, and who with too.

A self entitled prick like this is of a type to think he "deserves" a bit of fun with another woman, I am sorry to say.

6 years and you are still hopeful he will change? The only change I see on your horizon is that you get dumped for a younger model who doesn't nag and tells him he is wonderful. Be warned.

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