Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

writing down your thoughts

(23 Posts)
youliveyoulearn Sat 20-Oct-12 20:52:32

Do you think it helps to write down thoughts about things that are troubling you? Found out recently that husbands been in contact with ex for last 2yrs. He says shes not important and doesn't want to discuss her any more because "she's irrelevant" "a red herring". So at moment I'm texting all my thoughts and saving to draught so I don't forget.Really want him to read them but it causes more friction. There never seems to bea right time to discuss us so I suppose I'm tryong to sort stuff out hor myself. He says that we need to move on but I don't feel that I'm ready yet. After all he's had 2yrs to digest what he's been up to I've onlyhad3 months! Going through so many emotions but don't want to lose him. How do I work throuth this?

ParsleyTheLioness Sat 20-Oct-12 20:55:21

It may help you to have counselling, that will help clarify things for you. Relate will see you on your own, if he won't go with you...It's not good that he is dismissing your feelings in this way.

Looksgoodingravy Sat 20-Oct-12 20:56:16

Yes definitely helps writing/texting or posting on here.

I think your dh is being totally unfair tbh. How did you find out he'd been in touch with his ex?

dequoisagitil Sat 20-Oct-12 20:56:56

Um, he has to stop pushing you to 'get over it' and stop minimising. It sounds like an emotional affair at the least and he's refusing to do the work to help you recover nor is he showing remorse or openness.

He's acting like it's none of your business and you're bothering him with irrelevancies.

It's him that needs to be worrying about losing you. You've got it arse about face.

Looksgoodingravy Sat 20-Oct-12 20:57:31

And it only causes more friction because he's not facing up to being in the wrong.

youliveyoulearn Sat 20-Oct-12 21:04:48

A message came through on his phone which was charging in the lounge and I looked at it because I thought it may have been a message from work! I didn't recognise the name at all but had bad feelings. He walked in and picked up phone read message but made no comment. I confrontef him about half an hour later after he'd dropped daughter to school. His face was a picture. Denied all and said just a friendship! I want to meet her - I did call her straight away as he did give me her number. She says he loves me and they are just friends. Why is it I can't believe them??? Making this all so difficult for everyone.

Looksgoodingravy Sat 20-Oct-12 21:07:25

How has your relationship been lately? Has he seemed distant, overly critical, phone attached to him?

youliveyoulearn Sat 20-Oct-12 21:28:21

To be fair he discussed our relationship with me on a few occations and said we were more like brother and sister and that we needed to look after us and our relationship. So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. On the plus side we have recently moved house together inorder to release some funds inorder to have a better standard of living and enjoy life. I have all the problems and issues that have bought us to this place but just so disappointed and let down by his behaviour. Finding it hard to trust him now and if I can't how do I move on? In answer to your question - yes always had phone by his side but doesn't seem to have so many incoming calls lately. Either that or it's on silent! really want to look at messages but tesisted urge so far. Anyway if he wants to be in contact there are so many other ways!

dequoisagitil Sat 20-Oct-12 21:53:18

Why are you resisting the urge to dig around?

He has been shown to be having a secret 'friendship' with an ex, which is a betrayal of trust. The secretive nature of it is the problem: if it really is just a friendship there would be no need to hide it.

So, it's probably that you are afraid of what you'll find? (Probably nothing, as if he has half a brain, he'd have deleted anything incriminating after you found out about the ex). But still worth a look.

And you have the right to look - he has not been open with you. He should be falling over himself to demonstrate trustworthiness, but he's not, is he?

Have a look.

It's only 3 months down the line from this shock - why should you trust him after he has been deceptive for 2 years? It would be madness to trust him again so soon.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 21-Oct-12 11:45:08

How are you today, Youlive?

youliveyoulearn Sun 21-Oct-12 15:11:45

Thankyou for asking. Not feeling too good today so don't really have energy to think too deeply!
In some ways I feel trapped. This is my second marriage and can't let everyone down again. My mum would be mortified. I just so hope that he is being honest because I can't live with someone who can deceive me like this. It's as though I don't know him anymore. I'm constantly wondering what he's up to.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 21-Oct-12 15:17:21

Forget you mother in all this, she does not have to live with him from day to day like you currently are.

You have not let anyone down, your husband has by continuing to have a two year plus emotional affair relationship with his ex. All his emotional energies are being spent on her and you are being shut out. He calling her "irrelevant" and a "red herring" are all designed to keep you from the truth; why still be in contact with her anyway if he really thinks that?. He does not think that of her at all.

Asking you to move on is just adding insult to injury. He does not seem bothered about you at all.

youliveyoulearn Sun 21-Oct-12 15:41:57

I suppose that I'm just trying to live day by day. He will talk to me but I always start conversation. He says need to "draw line in sand" and move forward. He says "we are both at fault" and I made him feel unloved. I do understand what he means so I feel confused with my emotions. In a day I can go through so many emotiions. Sometimes I put my arms around him in bed only to then be consumed with anger! I think he does love me and I do think he is sorry for all the hurt he's caused me.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 21-Oct-12 15:58:25

sad Youlive you sound really down.

To be able to move on from this your dh needs to open up. If he doesn't how can you move on? You're always going to be wondering what happened or is still happening. Like Attila mentioned, he has invested his emotional time on her and therefore distanced himself from you!

I would definitely recommend the book Not 'Just Friends' by Shirley Glass for starters. Do you have an iPhone? as you can purchase it via iBooks, if not go to Amazon where you can pick up a cheap used copy. You can then talk to your dh about boundaries for which he's clearly overstepped the mark.

Charbon Sun 21-Oct-12 16:20:38

A two-year secret relationship with an ex is not an irrelevance or a red herring.

It is a long-term deceit that he presumably would never have told you about if you hadn't found out and it is also at the very least an emotional affair.

Regrettably what often happens in situations like this is that the person caught out continues the affair and therefore won't discuss it, while putting pressure on his partner to take the blame for his deceit and worst still, compete for his affections and continued presence in the relationship.

If you take on that role you will lose your self-respect and he will treat you with even more contempt than he is right now.

I think you need to face up to the fact that your husband had/is having an affair and now wants you to shut-up about it and take the blame. Going to a solicitor and asking your partner to leave would be a much more productive use of your time than writing down your thoughts and suppressing your anger. Plus some therapy on your own to find out why you were ever able to convince yourself that this is acceptable.

youliveyoulearn Thu 25-Oct-12 10:49:30

YOU NEED TO FACE UP TO THE FACT THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAD/IS HAVING AN AFFAIR
I have faced that fact and am now trying to work through this truly horrible situation. I don't feel it's time to take any actions with a solicitor yet as still have alot of thinking /talking to do.
He regrets his actions and is truly sorry.
I really want to believe him and move forward. Yesterday I gave him an article printed from internet to read about how the deceived partner feels. I thought that he would at least have spoken to me about it last night and I waited for his thoughts. But has not responded. What do I take from that?
I feel that I need to know how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me. I think he is asking himself lots of questions to which is good.
I left my 1st H a few years ago and I know that when you stray you are truly unhappy(certainly in my case) and it's a long story but I told my EXH 2 days later that I had been to see another man cause the guilt I felt was terriable. I didn't have an affair and I left 2 years later knowing that I tried my best and had left for the right reasons. DH now is the man that I met those years before! He has been my rock through all the issues with ex husband and children ect and we indeed went on to have another child.Its just so sad. He feels that I havn't given us enough time and attention. He did voice his opinions. I am cross with myself. I do have a part to play in this situation I know that but for him to contact his ex who I knew he had feelings for( I even ripped up photos of here(when we moved into our new house 10 years ago) I feel that I should have trusted my gut feelings about everything then. He says that he has had to live with my past and issues and felt that why should he forget his! I can't quite understand this! I havn't felt the need to meet up with anyone from my past especially in secret. What was he thinking?
Where do I go from here? I suppose we just need to discuss everything thats if he's willing. That's what is frustrating me.
I also need to stop judging him. He keeps saying "we're not all like you"/ I think I have too higher morals and I'm struggling to come to term
s with that!!!
Feeling better for off loading my thoughts!

joblot Thu 25-Oct-12 11:18:05

Cheating is cheating. Lying is despicable. Nothing to do with high morals. Lying about contact with another woman is totally unacceptable. Full stop. Maybe you need counseling- staying with him because you don't want a marriage to end isn't a great reason. Try physically writing as well as texting, more space and freedom to explore feelings

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 25-Oct-12 16:42:59

Trying to imagine how I'd feel if I were you. Let down even if it's all entirely lust-free and non physical. I'd ask myself, what does he not get from me that he gets from her? I know I find it useful to share stuff with close friends, we all have a moan but often it's positive things too, sometimes it's nice to offload onto pals. My DH knows who my confidantes are likely to be, I certainly wouldn't trot off and text or email an ex.

I do think that sounds more like an emotional affair than anything entirely innocent. Whether or not she happens to be involved with someone, the fact your DH has been in touch for that length of time - and not broaching it for that long does sound furtive - I would be taking a very dim view of it.

A new home should be a fresh start. Out of interest where in the country in relation to you is this woman? Are you now living geographically closer to her than before?

If he is serious about "drawing a line in the sand" I would push for counselling for you together.

youliveyoulearn Thu 25-Oct-12 19:22:59

She lives 3 miles away! He wouldn't tell me where she lived so I went on web site and found out. He wasn't happy at all. Doesn't want me to go round for fear of a scene. I asked what car she had. Again wouldn't tell me so I drove to house. I dropped it into a conversation and again cross that I'd driven there! WHY? He won't tell me what she does for a living or much else for that matter. Says it's irrelavent but it's not to me.
Re- councelling he doesn't think we need to go because we know the issues and can sort it ourselves. He says theres not much to mend.
When I spoke to her she said just friendship, didn't fancy him. She said I need to learn to trust him and believe it or not people o
f opposite sex can just be friends.
One other thing that bothers me is ow said she didn't have a boyfriend but according to dh she did but he lived away. Who is telling me truth?

youliveyoulearn Thu 25-Oct-12 19:40:43

She was married all those years ago when he had an affair with her. His mum said he was such a mess thoughout because obviously couldn't commit to him. Now she's divorced so it's role reversal. Do you think he met her to see if there was any mutual feelings left? When I found out the 1st thing he said was she means nothing and even if he left me he wouldn't be going to her! But I have to ask the question then why there must be some attraction. If just friends why won't he meet her with me?

Charbon Thu 25-Oct-12 20:12:05

You have no information at all, other than that which you've found out yourself.

It's glaringly obvious that he is hiding a great deal from you, but to be honest I'm more interested in you and why you've allowed yourself to settle for so little?

Why are you staying with a man who is treating you as though you were stupid?

freemanbatch Thu 25-Oct-12 20:19:06

I have a blog where I write things down, only a few people even know it exists and they only look if I tell them to but I find it a really good way of getting things out of my head. The reason for the blog was that it got it out of the house as well as my head, strange logic i know but it works for me smile

I'm not sure that writing things down is going to be all you need with this situation though, I hope you get sorted.

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 25-Oct-12 21:10:18

3 miles door to door? I think it all sounds too convenient. They weren't too fastidious having an affair when she was married and he was single, so not beyond the realms of possibility something's afoot now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now