Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Toxic Ex-H - long and ranty(13 Posts)
I'll try to make this brief. I am seperated from ex-h (a year). He has my DC at the weekends, I've never been completely comfortable with this arrangement, but thought it fair. He stayed in the marital house, and I bought a flat. During our marriage, he was controlling, preferred his hand to sex with me (we went without for 4 years), smelly, lazy, arrogant - the works, he's either a narc or plain stupid.
My DC are 6 (learning disabilities and asd traits) and 9 (diabetic) - I'm bipolar 2. I have a lot on my plate, but we manage, and manage well. Structure, clean flat, spend time with kiddies etc. He meanwhile hoards paper and junk, the house is a frightful dump. My DD told me he hasn't hoovered since I left or ever washed their bedding (a year). In front of other people he puts on a front that he is a hands on dad.
To cut a long story short, I am concerned that he is neglecting them. Not so much due to the disgusting hovel, but not feeding them properly. He mentioned that DS (6) is sick every Friday when he has him (at night time, sick, vomiting, diarrhoea) he was insuinating that it was me. He said there was sweetcorn in his vomit. My son eats sweetcorn for school lunch now and then - but I don't think that's why he's sick. I asked him what he had given DS before bed (that was 2 weeks ago) and he replied "only 2 doughnuts, a packet of crisps and some coke" and I replied "there you have it! You know DS has sensory issues, gets hyperactive, that is terrible food" - he promptly walked away (as he usually does and did throughout our "marriage"). My DD phoned me today to tell me that she hadn't been fed and it was 14:22 - she's diabetic and needs regular meals at set times. I asked her to get her dad on the phone. He was very casual about it and said that he'd also forgotten to give her insulin! That was the last straw. I told him that I no longer wanted my DC to go over to his. He, of course, slammed the phone down on me.
My worry is that if I contact social services, which I am going to do, is that he's going to make me out to be an unfit mother, that I'm crazy and I'm an alcoholic. Which I'm not any of those things. He is a very good manipulator and liar. Being bipolar I do get paranoid and sometimes think that my DC will be taken away from me, but in my heart I know I'm a wonderful mum and I think several people could vouch for that. I'm just so scared of what he might do but I have to tell someone. I know that before long my DC may come to some harm through his negligence. I also believe he only wants them at weekends so that he doesn't have to pay extra maintenance. When I lived with him, SS were called because I was screaming but I was at breaking point - he stopped me from washing my hair once, ordered me around, tried to make out to the children that I was mad, locked me out of certain rooms in the house - the list is endless. Even the relate councellor told me to leave him, but he still succeeds in making my life a misery. I shouldn't have ever agreed to let him have the DC at all, but thought it was in the best interests of the DC. Just wanting to share this, I've been crying my eyes out. I don't want them ever spending time with him again. He's sucked the life out of me. Any ideas how to handle this situation? I suppose the SS is the way to go. I didn't want a battle, but it's in the best interests of the DC.
Off out now, but look forward to any responses.
I'd make an appoint ment with school rather than SS, talk to the head of year or ask for the child protection officer. Ask them for advice. They wil pass on your concerns to SS because they are bound to do so - but it will be slanted in your favour.
Don't want to read this and run. You poor thing. He is putting your children's health at risk, you can't ignore that. Even the state of his house sounds like a health hazard.
I'm sure you'll get plenty of constructive advice very soon.
Read back what you have read.
His house is a filthy hovel, the children can confirm that
He doesnt feed your diabetic child properly or administer medication, potentially putting her life at risk, the children can confirm that
He doesnt feed your other child properly therefore inducing serious gastric problems, the children can confirm that.
SS will see all of this.
What will they see with you? A clean home, a caring mother, a worried mother, a mother who deals with her childrens health issues in a caring and competent way.
No contest is there?
One thing I wouldnt have done is tell him on the phone about them not going again, but in the heat of the moment, it is easily done. See a solicitor first thing on monday (after ringing SS) and get them to send a letter outlining your concerns, your proof (ie, the kids ringing you, tell you about it etc) and that until these issues are dealt with, he will not be seeing the kids for over night visits. You may have to concede a couple of 3 hours visits a week, but not at his house and not over mealtimes.
How about, "read back what you have written"?
Proof read Bogey
There's no need for you to get in touch with SS and you're best advised not to alert your, hopefully formally, stbxh to your intentons in any way.
The dc will be back with you after the weekend? Make an appointment with your dd's teacher with a view to having dd's account of the dcs' stays with their f, and in particular the fact that their bedding hasn't been washed, meals are infrequent/irregular/not nutritious, and the lack of care around her need for insuin injections, noted by a professional.
Are either of your dc expressing the view that they don't want to spend weekends with their f, or that they would prefer to have, say, one overnight a week or stay every other weekend? If so, get this recorded by professionals too.
Are you in the process of divorcing this odious man? If not, make it a priority to source a
rottweiler solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour intiial consultation.
Izzy I am not sure that the teacher will do that. Its an awful lot to ask of a teacher when they have a competent parent to deal with it.
The whole point of the SS visiting the OP is so that the children can have these things recorded by a professional WHO KNOWS ABOUT CHILD PROTECTION. A teacher will know some of it, but will not know enough and may well refer the OP to SS to deal with it.
Better that she does it herself surely?
Any teacher if informed of a CP issue will have to make a written record and refer it to the school CP officer, who will then determine what to do with it. Admittedly it would be better if the children confided in their teacher voluntarily.
When does dd get her diabetes review ? If she tells it to diabetes nurse then that would or should be noted . I would encourage her to be open about how well her diabetes is controlled with you versus with dad . Presumably she getting idependent with her insulin but if she reliant on he d ad for food or injections then this is pretty serious but would be best if she tells her diabetes nurse .
Or you could call her diabetes nurse .
Update - dd is safely with me now and I've called the hospital - she has ketoacidosis as a result of not getting enough insulin, it turned out he gave her no insulin Friday night, none til 15:30 yesterday and none til 13:00 today. He has given me all kinds of ridiculous excuses, none of which make sense. As I took her from his home, I said I was concerned that she may have Ketoacidosis, he just shrugged. This can be serious and life threatening. I don't know how anyone can be blase about this. I'm also waiting to hear from the diabetes nurse (she said she'd phone today) and I will be contacting my family support advisor tomorrow to find out what the next steps should be.
This takes it to another level.
He isnt being a twat, he is putting your DD's life at risk and you would be perfectly justified in refusing any further access until this is resolved.
I would not let your DD go back to someone who could risk her life so casually. Ketoacidosis is serious. Both my dad and DD's best friend are diabetic, and I've seen too many medical problems as a result, and we are talking about people who are careful about their health.
I agree get in touch with SS.
Join the discussion
Please login first.