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He's just not that into you...update on old thread which I can't find.

(6 Posts)
greenearings Sat 20-Oct-12 18:02:57

I was posting about my relationship on a thread a few months back. The general theme was part time partners and dp's who didn't appear to be committed about the amount of time they could give.

Anyway,for anyone who remembers me/the thread,I wanted to update in case it might help someone in a similar situation.

I ended things with exdp 3 weeks ago,properly.Although I there had been several break ups over the preceding month or so,which had always led to me going back to try again - at his suggestion.

I was married to an emotionally unavailable man,and after some time alone ,bringing up my 4 dc, I met a man who appeared to be everything xh was not,but who turned out to be EB and then raped me,resulting in dd3.
I met xp shortly after she was born and we were good friends for a year. This year,things moved into a sometime sexual relationship and he started to visit me at home.

For a year,I was increasingly confused as to why dp was so slack in his approach to what had become ,as I saw it,a relationship. The pattern would be me visiting his house once or twice a week or him coming to mine on a Friday or Saturday . We had some good days out with my dc and would cook a meal and watch tv/chat when alone together.

But he appeared uninterested in developing things from this routine,or in becoming more expressive towards me,or talking about feelings. If i brought this up,he would joke about and change the subject,ignore it all,so that I felt silly or say what a good time we were having and how he loved my company.

I felt lucky to have a companion and somewhere to go on childfree occasions. (yes,it is obvious now!) He felt safe.

Sometimes i would strongly express my feelings about wanting/needing more. he would retreat,then reappear offering to change and saying he wanted to take things slow...he would then improve,attention-wise,for a short time,before gradually withdrawing again.

I put my uncomfortable feelings down to my fear of commitment and the scars from previous stuff. After all,he was a lovely ,kind man and we had some great conversations,shared interests and fun....I couldn't put my finger on what it was. He said he found my home set up stressful and needed a lot of space...it is stressful,of course...so I accepted this as understandable...

To cut to the point..I finally ended with him after seeming to "wake up" to the -now obvious - evidence that he was just enjoying a quiet,easy life into which he was expected to contribute nothing.

I was settling for way too little in return for the reassuring "idea" that I was not on my own. In reality,I was actually just as much alone as ever,only with a hanger on who enhanced my life les than a good friend might be expected to do. The sex was infrequent and crap. There are numerous examples,now clear to me,of his general disinterest in me as an attractive woman ,in my feelings,needs or interests. He never once bought me a card or a present ,nor was he interested in going out. Yet I hung on,sometimes not seeing or hearing from him for several weeks...but "understanding" his excuses when he did turn up.

Well. I now cannot believe i accepted so little for so long,although in the context of my experiences prior to meeting him. Perhaps it was all I could cope with at the time.....

However,I am so ENERGISED having got rid of him. I haven't missed him at all,not once.I felt vaguely sad at first...but that shifted to irritation as he continued to turn up and ignore the fact that I did not want to see him. At no point did he express feeling about "losing" me.

So he wasn't that into me. And I placed far too low a value on my precious and delightful company. It will not happen again smile

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sat 20-Oct-12 18:13:46

Thanks for posting. I am glad you have seen things in their true light.

btw, do you think he might have been married ?

arthriticfingers Sat 20-Oct-12 18:14:23

Amen to that! smile

greenearings Sat 20-Oct-12 18:17:47

No,not married...he actually lives in the same village as we do.He is really quite a boring,selfish man,who found I provided just the right level of comfort to suit his not very interesting,can't be bothered life style...!

He was crap...but i was undemanding - completely at first - then took most of this year to actually work out what I wanted from a relationship...and far too much energy spent trying to get him to provide what he clearly had no wish to do!

KennethParcell Sat 20-Oct-12 18:23:11

Good for you! i read that book. I quite liked it. Most of it. I prefered 'bitches' by sherry argov or something like that. don't be put off by the title. it stands for babe in total control of herself - or something like that. it's all about marching to the beat of your own drum really. it's the same stuff really but the 'angle' is better. (well, it's written by a woman).

There's stuff in the book relevant to marriage/relationships too, not all about dating.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sat 20-Oct-12 18:23:22

Fair enough. No matter. You have seen the light which is great !

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