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upset & baffled over dh response to my fricking hair cut!

(56 Posts)
tennesseyhennessey Sat 20-Oct-12 11:18:10

In the grand scheme of things and what others are going through, i realise this is very trivial but i am so hurt ans upset. It is long and possibly boring!

Without wanting to drip feed i have posted before about dh and him possibly being emotionally abusive. He is depressed (work related, he is trying to look for other work)but will not see a dr again or take tablets/speak to anyone. I packed up and left which seemed to make him see sense. After nearly a week a returned after promises of change. It has been about 10 weeks and so far it has been the best it has been for along time.

So yesterday i had all my hair cut off. think shoulder length blonde in to a short crop. The shortest its been since being with dh. I have recently lost 3 stone and always wanted short hair but felt i would look awful having super short hair and being over weight. It was my 'goal' treat to myslef. He knew i was having it done, he would prefer me with long hair but with 2 small dc who i do ALL the running around for it always ended up with it scraped back. I dont have time to straighten and make it look nice.

Everyone who has seen it thinks it looks great/suits me/makes me look thinner. APART.FROM.HIM. When i got back last night he just said 'what the hell has she done to your fringe.' He then got ready for work (late shifts) and ignored me. i asked what his problem was and he said he just didnt want to go to work. He ignored me when he got in-1am, i had fallen asleep on sofa, and he slept as far to the edge as possible in bed with his back to me. This mornign just as i was getting ready to go to work he came downstairs, stood in the kitchen in his boxers and told me he hated my hair, i think hewas waiting for me to apologise but i just said 'well its too late now its gone.' im not going to apologise for having my hair cut. He then ignored me til i left.

This is so childish but i am so upset i hid in the bathroom to cry. Its hair for gods sake. I dont want to go home, i hate being ignored, its been so good for the past fewweeks when i came back and its turning to shit over a bloody hair cut-which incidently i love.

Pancakeflipper Sat 20-Oct-12 11:24:15

I think he feels threatened by it. And jealous. You have lost weight, you are looking good. You get a cool hair do. In his eyes your life is looking good and other people might think you are also looking good.
So his reaction is to pour cold water on it. He cannot be happy for you cos he's so miserable about himself

It sounds like the entire relationship needs addressing. Start with what you want.

IWantWine Sat 20-Oct-12 11:24:23

Ah I feel so sorry for you, I know how hurtful that is. My STBX never ever told me I looked nice when I came back from the hairdressers

I still hate having my hair done!

I suspect he is feeling insecure because you look so great.

Goodadvice1980 Sat 20-Oct-12 11:25:25

Oh dear OP. I'm assuming he has control issues?

You are not to blame, it's your hair and you can have it styled any way you want it. To be perfectly honest he sounds like a complete arse.

I have heard that some men can react badly to their partners weight loss. Do you think this is his issue?

AThingInYourLife Sat 20-Oct-12 11:25:36

He really sounds like a wanker.

DebbieTitsMcGee Sat 20-Oct-12 11:28:17

It's not your hair.

You left him to show you were serious about things changing. You've lost a lot of weight, transformed your appearance and sounds like you are very happy and confident with that.

He feels very threatened and he bloody should because it sounds like you deserve much better and have the confidence to pursue it.

Dont you dare apologise for the hairstyle! But perhaps sit him down and have a talk about where you are now after everything that's happened. He needs to take the opportunity to work together and improve things.

noddyholder Sat 20-Oct-12 11:32:36

He is threatened My ex did this with hair and clothes all the time. I once went on a work holiday and came back tanned and he didn't talk to me for days as he said being tan in winter was attention seeking whereas all my mates thougt i looked great. You need to tackle this sooner rather than later

Thumbwitch Sat 20-Oct-12 11:35:50

He could be just an arse; or possibly it might be something else.

Years ago I acquired a black wig, straight pageboy cut (normally have long red-blonde curly hair). I thought it would be amusing to pretend that I had had my hair cut and dyed black - and it was mostly hilarious! But my father refused to speak to me or even look at me. My Dad is not an emotionally abusive man, and once the joke was revealed he explained that, with it on, I looked like some woman with whom he'd had a lot of trouble (colleague with a bad attitude) and as he seriously disliked her, he kept seeing her when he saw me+wig and it affected how he treated me.

But since he has form for being an arse, it's more likely to be that in your case - although you could try asking him if it's something else?

And if he's being an arse then yes, I'd say that your new improved look is playing on his insecurities so he's trying to bring you down again so he can keep you where he feels you are no threat to him.

tennesseyhennessey Sat 20-Oct-12 11:42:43

Thank you for all your replies. Its funny you have all said about him feeling threatened, my dad said the same when i left and moved back in with him for the week. I have always had trouble with my weight and when me and dh first met i was the heaviest id ever been. My family are so proud of me, i have bowel disease and i knew my weight was not helping. I know he has also been checking my phone and facebook account. It is so silly because although i wanted to lose the weight for me and my helath, i wanted to lose it so he would be proud to have me as his wife. I didnt look after myself, i hardly wore make up and only wore baggy shirts and jeans, now im make-up,skirts and tights. I have a figure i wish i had in my twenties.

This sucks.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Oct-12 11:47:39

My ex was like that every time I got my hair cut. He wouldn't look at me, or would touch it and tut and kind of flick it about. He would say he preferred it long and why did I get it cut. But then when it was long would say my hair was lank or tell me to tie it up or whatever. Or look at old photos and say I should get my hair like that short. I used to dread the hair dresser cos it was always a nightmare coming home with even a trim let alone more dramatic cut. Then after about two days of silent treatment or criticism he'd say 'your hair looks quite nice'.
He even told me that I had a lot of grey hairs and few years on I still haven't found one! Lol.
I've seen in photos now that generally my hair is pretty's really shiny.

Goodadvice1980 Sat 20-Oct-12 11:49:53

I knew a women years ago who lost a serious amount of weight. She felt fab and looked reborn, absolutely fantastic. Her "D"H tried to sabotage her weight loss by constantly bringing home boxes of chocolates!

How sick is that??

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Oct-12 11:56:23

It's these seemingly trivial matters though that are at the heart of a lot of controlling relationships. It's your hair do what you want with it...yes...but you want your partner's approval too. For me back then it felt like I'd offended him or insulted him and that hurt.These days I'd say it's my fucking hair and I like it. You can like it or lump it.... you bald twat

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Oct-12 12:12:02


Things have not improved any for you since July and they will not either. This is also the individual who broke your son's pirate ship by throwing it to the floor in front of him!

Some abusive men do use depression as an excuse for their overt abusive behaviour. Bear that in mind. Notice too he is not taking any responsibility for his actions butabdicates all responsibility. You are being blamed for all his problems.

He will not change. I can only assume that you are still there because you have hoped forlornly that he would see the light and be a better man.

This is not about your hair; this is more about power and control and he does not want to lose that grip on you. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and your children are also growing up in such a damaging environment as well.

What do you want to teach your children abvout relationship?. I would add that if you were to fully free yourself from the 12 or stone of excess millstone around your neck, you'd all be a lot bloody happier as a result. He is the root cause of your unhappiness now.

If you have never read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft I would suggest you do so.

ErikNorseman Sat 20-Oct-12 12:13:30

At a guess I'd say he liked it when you were overweight with scruffy clothes and bad hair. He doesn't want a sexy, confident wife. I'll leave it to you to speculate why.

tennesseyhennessey Sat 20-Oct-12 12:21:11

thumbwitch your poor dad! As you say iam 100% sure it is not the case with dh. He's just being an arse.

goodadvice thats awful! dh has supported me through my weightloss but now its like he preferred me when i was fat! I forgot that yesterday before hairdressers he put me down about what i was wearing which again upset me. I had on a shortishdress with little jumper over the top tights and biker boots. He gave me a puzzled look and said 'are you really wearing those boots with that?' made me feel like shit actually.

Maybe im being stupid and he thinks being honest is doing me a favour but if im not keen on what he's wearing or his hair (he's had some shocking hair styles) i still say i like it because i dont want to hurt his feelings, and because it really doesnt bother me what his hair/shoes/clothes look like!

loving after the 'i really dont like your hair comment this morning' i was tempted to say 'i really dont like your big baldy spot', but i thought better of it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Oct-12 12:23:43


The more I read about your man the more I think he is being controlling of you. This is exactly how such men behave and he is textbook. Such abusive dominator men do not change; infact they become worse over time and abuse like this is anyway insidious in its onset.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

tennesseyhennessey Sat 20-Oct-12 12:25:07

atilla yes he did break it. And yes i did stupidly think he had changed. Up until now it has been wonderful. His behaviour with the kids and me has been a full 360 and i really thought our future was made. I will get that book on my kindle so he cant see what im reading!

TwinkleReturns Sat 20-Oct-12 12:26:14

Backing up everything Attila said. My ex used depression as an excuse for his abuse. And actually, he did have depression and had been severely abused as a child. That fact didn't change the fact that he was horribly controlling, damaging and abusive. I left twice and he didn't change. I lost weight and he convinced me I still looked fat. Its taken me a while to realise I never was fat and that he wanted me to see myself that way. He escalated and escalated. I am now free from him and have been for many months but carrying the child I conceived when he raped me.

I would advise that you seriously consider his promise to change - instead of being "woken up" by you leaving, hes been convinced that he is control by the fact that you left for a mere week before coming back. That has reinforced the control and not the opposite. I think you need to realise that you are a fantastic confident woman and deserve to be seen as such. This man gives nothing to your life and wont "improve". Dont take responsibility for his depression like I did. Act now and save yourself the pain of looking back and realising you've wasted precious time and energy on a man who never respected or valued you.

Helltotheno Sat 20-Oct-12 12:26:20

Agree with Attila. See this for what it is OP. He's an immature, emotionally crippled twunt. Sulking over someone else's haircut? What is he, 5? No actually correction, a five year old would just say 'I don't like it Mammy' and move on, but this bellend? Oh no, he has to go the whole hog and ignore you for days only to finally tell you he hates your haircut and expects you to apologise??!

In the great scheme of things OP, with life being very short an all, if you really want to spend it with a controlling abusive loser, go for it. I know what I'd be doing in your situation.

Goodadvice1980 Sat 20-Oct-12 12:27:40

I think there are red flags a plenty here OP sad

If he was supportive towards your weight loss but now seems to be unhappy with the new confident you I would suspect there was some gaslighting going on here.

Be careful that he doesn't completely undermine your confidence.

tennesseyhennessey Sat 20-Oct-12 12:28:13

Its an awful thing to say but im not sure what i get out of it. When we're together he can be so wonderful and attentive. He tells me that he thinks im beautiful and he can be wonderful with the kids. My daughter is such a daddys girl i cant bear to seperate them sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Oct-12 12:29:03

Abusers do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle and one that your children also grow up in. Also the nice masks slips after time and they revert back to how they really are; this is what has happened with your H.

Consider carefully as well your children and what they are seeing and hearing here. They will be affected by all his abusive behaviours towards you going on within your home.

Do read the Lundy Bancroft book.

You have a choice re this person; your children do not. You can all indeed get away from him.

Hullygully Sat 20-Oct-12 12:30:53

He is an arse

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Oct-12 12:36:11


re your comment:-

"Its an awful thing to say but im not sure what i get out of it. When we're together he can be so wonderful and attentive. He tells me that he thinks im beautiful and he can be wonderful with the kids. My daughter is such a daddys girl i cant bear to seperate them".

Not awful at all or really surprised to read that you are not sure what you get out of this relationship now. My conclusion from reading that is you get nothing out of it. As said before, abusive men can do nice and nasty very well but its a continuous cycle and you are perhaps also now subconsciously awaiting his next outburst.

He may well be "wonderful" with the children but perhaps you would like to think such wishful thinking of him. He was certainly not wonderful with your son when he broke his model pirate ship in a fit of rage in front of him was he?. I feel he just regards them and by turn you as possessions.

If you really cannot bear to seperate your DD from her Dad (and she does still have a right to see him post any separation you instigate) then you actually condemn her to learning that mummy can indeed be treated as rubbish by her bloke!.

What about your son and daughter as adults, how would you feel if he was treating his lady love in such a manner and your DD was on the receiving end of control freak abusive behaviour?. You taught them that it was acceptable.

This is not the legacy or relationship model you want them to emulate is it?.

MrsDeVere Sat 20-Oct-12 12:38:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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