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How do you let go of past abusive relationships?

(7 Posts)
FunBagFreddie Fri 19-Oct-12 23:08:47

Sorry for this, it's probably silly. All of my boyfriends as a teenager and SBXP were very abusive. I was in two physically abusive relationships - I don't want to go into the gorey details. SBXP (DS's dad) was just a bully, a gaslighter, he was financially abusive and did get physical a couple of times.

One of the relationships (before DS) was so bad that I made a serious suicide attempt. Took paracetamol and drunk a bottle of vodka, 6 hours later I felt fine, went to bed and woke up in the morning extremely ill. Got dumped at the hospital by the boyfriend, passed out and came round 3 days later on a drip. It's coming up to the anniversary of the suicide attempt, although it was 15 years ago, I still get flashbacks of what he did to me.

I have a lovely partner now, he is everything I could ask for in a man, but I still feel so messed up from previous relationships and from SBXP. I just can't seem to move on and let go. I get flashbacks and panic attacks everyday, in fact, some days I can't even leave the house because I'm so scared of having a panic attack and breaking down in public. I have had CBT twice now, but I still find it hard to deal with what has happened. I'd really appreciate some advice from others who have been in abusive relationships and how they have come to terms with what happened and moved on?

I find it so hard to talk to people in RL about this. I have a few good friends, but what happened was really grim, and I think they would be shocked and I don't want to scare them off.

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Fri 19-Oct-12 23:10:50

I haven't let go. At 15 I was raped several times and hit by a man I thought was a boyfriend.

I.don't trust anyone and it has ruined past relationships. I also only tell MN about this as I don't want RL friends seeing me differently.

FunBagFreddie Fri 19-Oct-12 23:15:51

I'm really sorry to hear that SPsFanjo, I'm not surprised that you don't trust anyone, and I can totally relate to you not wanting to talk to RL friends about it.

Thanks for your reply.

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Fri 19-Oct-12 23:22:17

I'm 22 know so has been 7 year but I still see the cunt which doesnt help.

I am currently seeing someone now and starting to let him in instead of pushing people away. I won't tell him about my past though

AllGoodNow Fri 19-Oct-12 23:26:05

So sorry for how your feeling now and what you have gone through. Nothing you say is silly, please don't think that.

I went through years of abuse in all the ways possible, and the simple answer to your question is: it's a really personal thing. No two people are the same, everyone will deal with things differently.

I would advise asking yourself a few questions:

Do you really want to feel better? - sounds stupid, but many of us can get hooked on the drama as it is all we have (as awful as that sounds out loud) and reliant on the feelings this shit does to us - I'm guessing you do, or you wouldn't have posted

As you have had CBT and it hasn't worked the way you need it to, is this the best course of action for you, could you try a different therapy?

If you have never spoken to RL friends, could you now try? As scary as that is, could you do it? It would really help you if you have good ones? They don't scare that easily - trust me x

Sometimes the only way to get through things is utter guts, and I think you have them. One day at a time, keep an eye on your feelings, seek help if you need it, move on with your life bit by bit.

Because if you don't move on the monsters that did these things to you ultimately win, in or out of your life, and life is too short to allow that to happen to you.

xx

FunBagFreddie Fri 19-Oct-12 23:27:27

I moved away to another part of the country to get away from it all and the memories. That's shit that you have to see that cunt.

The really violent bloke committed suicide a few years after we split up. That doesn't make me feel any better, his wife and two young children found him. What a bastard.

I ended up telling DP, but we have been together for 5 years now.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 20-Oct-12 02:09:56

Time.. and definately a different course than CBT which doesn't work for everyone, but good on you for doing your best to help yourself heal.

Try (i know its hard, i still see DS1's dad and he was awfully violent) not to let him still affect your life. Its hard to explain but at one point, i hated him and would have said i would be happy if he dropped dead or better still suffered a really painful death. Now i see him and almost feel sorry for him, he's become a shuffling middle aged man with a crippled back who hasn't worked an honest day in the past 15 years because he doesn't want to pay me any maintenance angry

RVB robbed you of that chance by committing suicide so you couldn't move on and one day look at him with disdain or indifference. No matter.

Remember he was a useless twat who has done woman kind and his children a bloody favour by removing himself from ability to harm anyone else. Shame he couldn't use that personal strength to fix himself.

OTOH, panic attacks.. eugh.. i have those and hate them, i get so frightened of having one i almost scare myself INTO one.. that feeling like you're going to die, uncontrollable, without any sense to when they rear their ugly head.. I sympathise with you there.

Please remember you're a survivor, not a victim. Sure you tried to end it all, but you lived. You lived for a reason, now you have a lovely DP and DC's! Congratulate yourself on breaking the cycle of abuse! You deserve a bloody medal pat on the back for that alone.. don't run yourself down, you're amazing, and on your way along your journey, don't be too hard on yourself because what you went through takes time, personal strength, and love/support, to get through.

You can do this smile

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