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How do I tell him?

(67 Posts)
Coconutter Fri 19-Oct-12 18:17:59

I need to go. I have a comfortable life but I'm now fairly sure DH isn't the one for me. He is wonderful and I love him - but not enough. I'm not attracted to him. We don't have fun. I can't really talk to him. We have no children which helps but I don't know how or when to tell him. Do I find somewhere to go first or would that be too underhand? Do I leave immediately or give him time to get used to the idea?

Frizzbonce Fri 19-Oct-12 18:29:23

You're 'fairly' sure? You sound a bit conflicted to me. Give counselling a go - it really helps to clarify your feelings. And even if you split up at least you won't carry all that baggage into the next relationship.

Numberlock Fri 19-Oct-12 18:31:17

How long have you been married? Is there someone else behind the scenes that's made you think about your marriage?

mutny Fri 19-Oct-12 18:32:05

Is 'fairly' sure, really enough to end your marriage.

If you di this you need to be 100% sure. They may be coming back from this, no second chances. Do you really want to hurt him for 'fairly' sure.

Do you think he will be surprised? How long have you been married?

WhoNickedMyName Fri 19-Oct-12 18:40:16

If you are who i think you are (and just to reassure you I only know you from here, not in RL) then I think you're doing the right thing. It won't come as a shock to him. How you prepare in terms of having somewhere ready to go to depends on how you think he'll react? Is he likely to be furious and demand you pack your stuff and get out there and then?

Coconutter Fri 19-Oct-12 18:45:33

He won't be furious. He'll be crushed sad I've been having counselling for a while. I don't think I could ever be 100% - not unless someone with a crystal ball could tell me whether I'll find what I'm looking for in the future or if I should stay and 'settle' because he is a decent man. I don't think that's fair on him.

geegee888 Fri 19-Oct-12 18:45:54

Exactly the same here OP, exactly the same. I too have an enviable lifestyle, no kids, but not attracted to DH any more and don't have any fun with him. My life is all about money, acquiring nice objects and doing stuff on my own to fill in time. I'd like a child, but not with DH. I was on holiday recently with a group and one male friend in particular I spent time with platonically and we did more fun things in a week than I normally do in a year with DH. Turns out he's got a girlfriend (that he didn't mention!) but its shown me that there is another world out there, and another type of relationship.

I've bought a small house of my own and got some work in a city 150 miles away. So I'm moving towards making a life of my own and making a final decision. DH hasn't reacted to this at all so far!

I tried relationship counselling, and the advice from the very traditional counsellor was that I should cook for DH more, pay him more attention and basically be a more traditional wife. No mention of what I wanted, although if I was with the right man, I'd probably be doing those things more!

mutny Fri 19-Oct-12 18:50:54

No its not fair on him or you. But I think you CAN be sure about these things, but not always.

Just like you can't be sure of your decision, no one can be sure of his reaction. Its leaving yourself wide open but arranging somewhere to live before telling him does seem a bit underhanded.

I don't think he could force you to leave anyway, legally.

is there a back story to this that I have missed?

How long has the counselling be happening?

chipsandmushypeas Fri 19-Oct-12 19:31:03

Is there someone else, op?

panicnotanymore Fri 19-Oct-12 19:52:09

How long have you felt like this? If it is a long time then yes, you should go as you are right, it isn't fair on him. He deserves a partner who is committed to him , wants more than anything else to spend their life with him, and isn't eyeing the greener grass in another paddock out of the corner of their eye. I for one know the desperate miserable feeling of a partner drifting slowly away. It is like watching a train wreck...

He may well be devastated in the short term, but much less hurt than if you wait until that special someone that you are attracted to comes along.

One thing to bear in mind is that the fun and attraction wanes in any relationship. It is mostly there at the start, else why would a relationship even happen, but couples tend to settle down into a more companionable relationship through time. Not having children makes this harder to accept I think, as once a family comes along we all have to become a little less self absorbed and more focussed on the needs of the children over our own.

If you do wish to go tell him on his own turf, not out in a restaurant where his grief is exposed, and then go. Hanging around isn't fair, it gives mixed messages.

Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for, be it with or without your DH.

Coconutter Fri 19-Oct-12 20:49:04

What an astute lot MNers are...! <rueful smile> There was someone else. It has been over for months now. DH has known for a while. But despite the fact that I have since discovered OM is a twunt of the highest order, and have no desire to be in the place of the poor unfortunate soul he moved onto immediately after me, I can't forget the way we just clicked, in a way that I have never with anyone else.

I have treated DH very badly, and I don't want to ruin the rest of his life by not being quite certain about us. It'd be very easy, and comfortable, to stay, but I'd always be wondering if I could have found that connection that I don't have with him with someone else. That wouldn't be fair on either of us. He wants me to stay, says it's what he wants, but I can't help feeling he'd be better suited to someone else. I can't ruin his life any more than I already have. He's also unwilling to go to counselling, and doesn't listen when I tell him what I'm unhappy about - he just counters everything and says I'm wrong. That isn't helping either sad

mutny Fri 19-Oct-12 21:04:10

Are you the one that you and your dh wanted answers from the OM who essentially had done one?

How long have you been in counseling OP? this is really relevant. When i had it i felt great after the first session. Then I felt like i had been ripped open and actually felt worse for a while. It was worth it in the end. But there was a period of 'OMG I am a twunt'

It seems you are leaving because you think thats the best thing for him. Is that not for him to decide. If you leave you need to leave because you have decided. Don't feed him the 'its best for you' line. It makes you sound like you are trying to martyr yourself.

You need to tell him you are leaving because you do not feel you are compatible. Not that you are doing it for him.

digerd Fri 19-Oct-12 21:17:44

COCONUTTER
Your own words, that you clicked with a "twunt" - think that is a warning sign for you to realise you have bad judgement in what you thought you wanted, and you probably will fall for another "twunt". It's obvious you had a lucky escape. if you really cannot stand your life with DH, you must tell him kindly, but beware when searching for a new man of your dreams that he isn't a right nightmare.

Coconutter Fri 19-Oct-12 21:51:05

Mutny - I know, and I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't patronise him by telling him I know what's best for him. We aren't as compatible as I thought, or as we used To be. Trouble is, every time I say that he responds with 'yes we are'.

mutny Fri 19-Oct-12 21:55:53

Because he believes that, if he didn't he would have chucked you when you cheated.

But you can't make him believe it. If this is the case then (if you are sure you 100% want to go) you need to tell him and leave asap. Don't linger or hang around to let him get used to it.

I see you have already told him and he reacted badly. Expect that, but also expect the opposite. He knws you are not happy and distant. Its an awful situation to be in, when you want to make it work but your partner is not really present.

Also even if you regret it don't ever try to go back. You can't keep messing with his feelings and hurting him. Be as sure as you can be that its over and leave, don't keep him hanging on or thinking there could be hope.

panicnotanymore Fri 19-Oct-12 22:19:22

I have a friend in your situation. She wants to leave her DH, but knows this will hurt him, so keeps changing her mind. It's been dragging out for over a year now and I actually want to slap her. It isn't fair, her DH doesn't deserve this. He has spent a year walking on eggshells desperately trying to be perfect, and she just despises him for looking doe eyed and adoring. If she had let him move on a year ago, by now he'd be with someone who did want him as he is a lovely kind hearted reliable man. She doesn't want reliable though, she wants a hot blooded go getter.

Please just commit either way and stop torturing your poor DH. What you are doing isn't kind, but I can tell you aren't intentionally trying to hurt him.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Fri 19-Oct-12 22:24:02

Yes, leave your husband

You are being very cruel to him

I think I may have said that to you before

Just make the break, fgs

Opentooffers Fri 19-Oct-12 22:29:47

Whether the decision is the right one should be based on the relationship you and DH have, not measured against whether you will find better in the future. Until you work on yourself you won't be in a position to effectively work out what better is and fall for 'twunts'.

Apocalypto Fri 19-Oct-12 22:55:20

@ panicnotanymore

Your friend sounds absolutely vile, how can you stand to be around her?

OneMoreChap Fri 19-Oct-12 23:39:32

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Coconutter Sat 20-Oct-12 00:06:04

Yes, OneMore, he does. Please don't try to judge me as a person from my few posts on a forum without knowing me, him, or the whole story. I'm dealing with what I've done and how I feel about myself - hence the counselling. I came on here for practical advice.

Thank you to the rest of you who have given me food for thought. I know I have to judge it on our relationship and not any hypothetical future one and that's what I'm trying to do. It's just terrifying when I've been with him for so long, and losing the certainty we thought we'd had about how our lives would be. I lose my nerve and start to question whether I really want to leave or if I'm just being stupid and expecting too much.

blueshoes Sat 20-Oct-12 00:21:24

Your dh should have told you to sling your hook when he found out about your affair. You sound utterly selfish but trying to deceive yourself into thinking you are taking the moral highground in trying to ease his inevitable distress when you eventually make your exit. You can spare him the 'it's not you, it is me' line.

Stop your cruel prevarication. You should just end it cleanly, don't take a single penny from him and let him find someone whom he deserves to spend the rest of his life with.

panicnotanymore Sat 20-Oct-12 07:18:26

Apocalypto - I know, she does sound awful, but the sad thing is she is actually a lovely person, who loves her DH but knows he isn't right for her. Every time she decides to leave he begs her not to, and she stays. She has never cheated on him, and never would... and that is why I can still be friends with her.

I have told her time and time again to be fair to him and commit one way or the other, but as is the way it is not my place to tell her which way to commit.

OP it is the same for you - you must make a decision and stick with it. Perhaps if you put the time and effort into your relationship that you are currently putting into thinking about why it isn't working, you could make it work. Or you should set your DH free from this misery and let him have a life with someone else. If even a tiny part of you is hanging on to him as a reserve prize just in case nothing better come along (and be honest with yourself here).... shame on you.

Offred Sat 20-Oct-12 07:58:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

chipsandmushypeas Sat 20-Oct-12 08:05:29

Agree with Offred, I would've thought you would have more practical advice for the op, seeing as you were in a very similar position yourself Omc

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