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Jealous of DH

(108 Posts)
sadlyunreasonable Fri 19-Oct-12 13:08:23

OK, first let me point out that I feel terrible about the following problem. I know I?m being unreasonable but can?t seem to help the way I feel. Would love some advice as to how to deal with it?

I am currently on ML after DC4 although I usually work PT since DC3 arrived.
DH has always travelled occasionally with his work and in the past when I?ve been working full time I?ve really struggled to juggle everything when he is away as my job was not geared up to being able to do all of the pickups/drop offs etc alone. I really expected to find it so much better when my workload decreased (now not working at all, of course). However, the practical difficulties have been replaced by problems I?ve created.

The last time he went away DC4 was 8 weeks old and he went to the US for a week. I completely went to pieces. From a practical point of view I was fine but I was completely taken over by jealousy and resentment. All I could think about was DH being jetted off to see a new part of the world, being wined and dined and (best of all) getting full nights sleep in a posh hotel. I, meanwhile, was getting no sleep with a newborn and a sleep-defying toddler and generally running myself ragged. I know that in truth he?d rather have been with us, but I couldn?t seem to see past my resentment, which really came between us for a while. I realise it?s not DH?s fault and feel so sorry for him.

Fast-forward to last night. Turns out he?s been dreading talking to me about a conference he?s been invited to. It?s being held at a luxury spa hotel with fine dining each evening. I really don?t know what to say. I don?t want to hold his career back but don?t want to say it?s fine and then explode at him later.

As I said above, I realise that I?m being selfish and horrible about this. I just wondered if there were any suggestions as to how I can learn to deal with it a bit better. I adore my kids and am so happy to have the opportunity to spend this time with them. I was the main breadwinner after DC1 and 2 and could not afford more than 10 weeks off after either of them. I just wish I wasn?t such a green-eyed monster over this travel thing. DH says that if it?s going to be a problem for me he?ll not go and will try and pick out trips in the future that I can tag along on, but I really don?t know if this is going to be possible (financially or practically), and I so don?t want to damage his career.

lubeybooby Fri 19-Oct-12 13:11:11

Is there any reason why he can't have the kids one weekend when he is back and you go off with a friend somewhere nice? Even it all up a bit.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 19-Oct-12 13:13:57

Oh I can so understand this.

Agree with lubey - can you get away another time for a bit of a break?

hildebrandisgettinghappier Fri 19-Oct-12 13:27:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadlyunreasonable Fri 19-Oct-12 13:37:44

Thanks all for posting.

DH has suggested me doing something too. Problems with that are that I'm still bf DC4 at the moment which makes it hard for me to go alone and the only friend I really have who I would consider going away with also has a very young DC.

Probably the main issue with me doing something alone though is that I cannot justify spending family money on me. I feel like when we agreed to a large family we accepted that foreign travel and posh hotels would be a thing of the past for a while and I thought I was OK with that. I WOULD be OK with it if it were the same for both of us...

I hate being such a jealous cow.

Pleased that you at least understand my feelings though if that makes sense.

CailinDana Fri 19-Oct-12 13:37:49

I think your feelings are totally understandable. I feel the same about DH going away to conferences, and I only have one easygoing DC (though I am pg) and the conferences are not nearly as fancy! He's off for three days next week and was moaning about it yesterday and I really jumped down his throat - I said something like "Oh it's going to be so hard for you staying a hotel getting a cooked breakfast, listening to interesting talks and chatting to people and then wining and dining all evening. It would be so much easier for you to be here getting up at 6 with DS, doing the housework, wrangling a toddler till 8pm then sitting on your own all evening." He did accept what I was saying, bless him, though I know the moaning was just idle chat and he didn't really think it through.

I think when you're stuck at home with children all the time it can make you sick with envy when your partner seems to have so much freedom while at the same time doesn't have to worry one bit about the children being looked after. It seems like they have the best of both worlds while you have the worst.

As others have suggested, any chance you could get away for a weekend?

Yama Fri 19-Oct-12 13:38:15

My dh went on a training course when dc 2 was 11 or 12 weeks old. I was on mat leave. It was not the looking after the kids on my own I resented, that part was lovely. It was the reinforcement that it was me that having children affected.

I did the (awful) pregnancies, the births, the breastfeeding. I was stuck at home, trapped by circumstances rather than swanning off for a few days of freedom.

Your dh sounds like a lovely man. My dh is a lovely man. However, if you've been used to a lot of freedom and control over your life and then it is taken away while your partner's isn't then it sucks.

So, op - I understand you but I don't know what the answer is. I felt so much better when I returned to work.

CailinDana Fri 19-Oct-12 13:39:08

X-posted, I see getting away is difficult. I get what you mean about spending family money, particularly when DH's travel is all covered by work.

DH has insisted I go away for the weekend for my birthday. I'll be out the door like a shot!

sadlyunreasonable Fri 19-Oct-12 13:42:06

That's it too- the freedom that they seem to have to assume that the kids will be cared for. It's just assumed by DH's work that I'll pick up the slack at home.
It makes me feel pretty worthless tbh. Then I feel resentful of DH which is not fair. He makes the same comments about how hard it can be going away and I just can't seem to be nice about it.

CailinDana Fri 19-Oct-12 13:44:45

I get it - it's like your life is just non-stop drudge while he gets variety and travel. If anyone is having a good time, it's not you, you're the one picking up the slack. I feel exactly the same.

sadlyunreasonable Fri 19-Oct-12 13:46:59

I can't say how relieved I am that you've not all told me I'm a complete bitch (I feel like one).

Feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot though as I am so grateful to be able to be at home with the kids. I've done my share of being the main breadwinner and wanted to enjoy this time without coming over all green-eyed at poor DH.

I think I'm having problems too as I'm at a crossroads in my own career. I'm a professional but have really struggled to get the job satisfaction I expected when I chose my career path at 18. I'm really not sure what to do after ML. I had considered SAHM for a while but don't know if that would be healthy for me given this type of thing...

CailinDana Fri 19-Oct-12 13:48:18

I was actually thrilled when I got to go on a 10 minute train journey for a meeting for work during the day can you imagine (I normally work from home). When I realised how excited I was to be getting away from childcare and just doing something adult and normal for once without a screamy toddler in tow I felt a bit pathetic sad I do love looking after DS, but the relentlessness of it can be so incredibly wearing at times. And of course because DH works his time is oh so precious and he needs to be flexible and go places, whereas I'm just always at home, always doing the same thing.

Wow that was a bit of a rant blush.

sadlyunreasonable Fri 19-Oct-12 13:48:28

That's exactly it, but how do I stop feeling like that? I chose the drudge... I love the drudge (sort of confused)

Yama Fri 19-Oct-12 13:48:47

I think that's why I felt better when I returned to work. Everything returned to being equal. Nothing is assumed, everything is worked out.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 19-Oct-12 13:48:47

OP I totally get this.

I am still BFing DS2 - although last night I went to a parent's evening at DS1's school - and when I got home both boys were asleep! DS2 then proceeded to sleep through. hmm

So now I am planning to go away to a spa or something for a night. I am going to sleep, swim, sleep, read a new book, sleep, order room service, sleep.
I will consider it a good investment in my mental health and our marriage!

Yama Fri 19-Oct-12 13:51:13

I'm so slow - I was responding to an earlier post of Sadly's.

CailinDana Fri 19-Oct-12 13:52:32

I don't know how to change it. I'm feeling it very strongly at the moment because I've been ill with a cold for months and I'm pg so everything is harder. DH texted me earlier saying he won't be home till 7 (he's normally home round 6) and I just got a surge of rage. I'd love to just be able to say "Oh yeah I'm staying out late, I won't be home to do all the shitty evening jobs sorry" but of course I never get to do that because I'm always bloody HERE.

For me I do think I need to make an effort to get out at least one evening a week. DH is totally ok with me doing that but I don't do it because I'm so tired. It is important though because I literally feel like I never go anywhere on my bloody OWN.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 13:54:20

"Turns out he?s been dreading talking to me about a conference he?s been invited to. It?s being held at a luxury spa hotel with fine dining each evening. "

My job involves quite a lot of travel and I've spent lots of hours in exotic locations and luxury hotels with spas and fine dining. To be brutally honest, while the few hours peace and quiet can be nice, the rest of the time I'm just horribly bored and would far prefer to be home. Last year I spent a week on business staying solo in a luxury 4-bed apartment overlooking the Pacific and all I could think was that it would be a lot nicer if DS was there to go 'wow' with me at the view.

My point being that things often sound far better than they are in reality. So rather than feeling jealous of his business travel, why not set up more special time together at home or on trips of your own which you can share and make you feel closer?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 19-Oct-12 13:56:49

Cailin - in some ways it gets better when you have two children, because then you have a situation where the children are pulling in two different directions for whatever reason, and so your DH's life will change in a way that it perhaps didn't when you had your DS.

BerryLellow Fri 19-Oct-12 13:59:12

"I'd love to just be able to say "Oh yeah I'm staying out late, I won't be home to do all the shitty evening jobs sorry" but of course I never get to do that because I'm always bloody HERE. "

This. Oh god it's so frustrating!

sadlyunreasonable Fri 19-Oct-12 14:01:15

That's the thing though - the rational me knows that it's not all that great. I know he'd be happier at home, gets bored and misses us.

The irrational me sees him surrounded by luxury, peace, chance to read a book, uninterrupted sleep etc and proceeds to outshout the rational me.

I would love to share more trips but cash and childcare make it a problem for the foreseeable. All my own choice I know.

Sorry you've got similar issues Cailin, Yama, Ali.

LadyInDisguise Fri 19-Oct-12 14:03:22

Ok, sdaly have you ever travelled for work?

Because I have and I have done the 'staying at a posh hotel' and 'travelling to foreign countries'. (And so has DP)
Let me tell you, it is NOT something glamorous or nice! It is nakering, tiring, you don't get to see the place where you are going at all.
You might eat in a posh restaurant but after a while, the only thing you crave is a good home made soup.
You have to be on your best behaviour 24/7 (clients, managers and all that). You can't let your hair down.

Please don't think that travelling for work is like travelling for a holiday because they have nothing in common apart from staying in an hotel *(which tbh isn't that nice. It's impersonal. What ever the country, it looks the same).

I can see your issue is that he is going to get some 'free' time and you aren't. But you have to remember that he is WORKING not having a day off. Would you be resentful that he is spending the day at work and he is not at home dealing with a newborn and a toddler? Would you prefer to be at work and him at home?
His travel for work are exactly the same than his day work. And you need to treat them like this.

<<Remembers very long conferences with management and customers, some boring, some extremely stressful. The tiredness. And the numerous countries she has been 'visiting' with work but has no idea as to what it actually looks like due to long hours at work, then going back to hotel and sleep>>

CailinDana Fri 19-Oct-12 14:03:29

That's reassuring Ali. I do love being a SAHM and I'm really looking forward to DC2 but it is just so fecking dull at times.

I totally get what you're saying Cogito, and I think in reality if I had to go away and leave DS for three nights to go to a conference I would be heartbroken. It's just hard to have perspective when you're used to at least having some help in the evenings and then your help swans off and all you can imagine is him sitting down reading a book or having a laugh with work colleagues while you deal with Epic Tantrum No.57 and are counting down the minutes to bedtime.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Oct-12 14:04:07

I know what this is like as well, have a DH who goes off on business trips from time to time (there's another one next week). Its the evenings I find the most difficult. He does understand that when I'm here after DS has done to bed it can be very wearing to eat dinner for one and not really having much if any adult conversation.

I find it easier if we can converse on the phone but if that is not always possible then it has to be by e-mail and that is not always ideal. I have previously felt sick to the stomach (PMT did not help any) when I have read how xyz has taken him out to a nice restaurant every evening whilst me is here eating dinner for one but we have talked about this. I feel too that having familial support could assist as well (but I don't have that either!).

He would encourage me to go off on a weekend break with a friend but truth be told I would have no-one to go with seeing as the vast majority of my friends have family and associated responsibilities to deal with as well. I go out for days instead and that helps along with having an outside interest that is a) for me and b) completely separate from school.

CailinDana Fri 19-Oct-12 14:05:50

Thing is though Lady, DH is going to an academic conference. An entirely different animal. I've been to those, and while they can be tiring they are mostly a Massive Laugh. There is much drinking, much silliness and there are usually trips out organised at some point. DH loves his colleagues and I know he'll enjoy spending time with them. That said, I know being away from home isn't all it's cracked up to be.

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