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shall i give time limit?

(20 Posts)
bossmum41 Fri 19-Oct-12 12:03:08

Hi i was on here beginning of the year when DP had an affair and he eventually left in January. I fell apart but now doing well ive started own business,kids are settled and im shattered,lonely but doing ok. EVEN HAD A COUPLES OF DATES!
DP and I are getting on great its over with the OW and he is having counselling he calls round for no reason at all sits and chats I have asked if he wants to come home he says he needs to sort his head out?! I told him if he does Im not waiting around! I would love him to come home as I do still love him and miss him very much. but i dont want him to come back when he says he wants to i dont want to wait around for him. Should I give him a date to make his mind up by?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 12:07:41

How insulting that he even had to think. hmm The sell-by date for that decision went as soon as he said he had to 'sort his head out' and I think your judgement is being fogged by the fact that you're lonely and you're - understandably - going down the 'better the devil you know' path. In reality, five minutes after he came back (which he isn't going to do, I assure you) you'd be checking his phone, second-guessing every statement, nervous if he was late home or out with friends..... It's no life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 12:10:14

BTW... make a clean break from this man. No more cosy chats or impromptu visits. He's not a friend or a lover - friends and lovers don't shit on each other from a great height - he's just your DC's Dad now. Make a life for yourself that's truly independent & satisfying and then you won't feel so lonely and you won't be lured into the idea of 'settling' for being his second choice...

bossmum41 Fri 19-Oct-12 12:16:14

He has been suffering from depression and there has been some traumatic experiences in our life, hes not a bad man just lost his way and needed life is independent and satisfying and yes sometimes lonely but we have been through so much.

janesnowdon1 Fri 19-Oct-12 12:17:31

"he calls round for no reason at all". He does call round for a reason - he fancies a nice cosy cup of tea and a chat with you, making him feel good, keeping his foot in the door before he leaves and goes back to his bachelor life.

Seems to me he is having the best of both worlds - a carefree single time with the option of returning when it suits him so I can understand you wanting to set a time limit. However, he has said he wants to sort his head out - so is basically saying no. Please, get on with your own life and try to detach from DP- do not be available on call. If he wants to come back he needs to woo you all over again - do not sell yourself short

bossmum41 Fri 19-Oct-12 12:23:57

his mum lives next door and he calls round to see his kids as they will see him pull up in car so he comes in, i could say no but thats not fair on the children. He spends most of his time at his mums as he is on his own in a flat.

izzyizin Fri 19-Oct-12 12:29:29

Stop giving him the opportunity to keep his options open. He's keeping his feet warm under your table while casting around for another ow and, despite your protests to the contrary, you are 'waiting around' - and waiting on him to decide whether he wants to 'come home'.

Having left you, your home is no longer his home. Those days are gone and it's time for you to leave the past behind and fully move on from this cheating twunt.

Next time he 'calls round for no reason at all' send him packing tell him it's not a convenient time for you and if he wants the pleasure of your company in future he'll need to phone and ask you when you are free to see him.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I suspect your ex enjoys the thrill of the chase and then finds he doesn't want the prize he's assiduously courted. If your apparent indifference to him results in him courting you, be aware that you'll have to appear to stay just beyond his reach in order to keep his interest waxing instead of waning and that's no way to live when you have the welfare and wellbeing of dc to consider.

Stop putting your life on hold for this philandering plonker, honey. You deserve a lot more love and respect than he's capable of giving you, or any other woman for that matter.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Fri 19-Oct-12 12:31:58

He should consider himself lucky to have been asked back - the fact he didn't jump at the chance and needs time to think speaks volumes.

God, you don't want him to do you any favours do you? You sound sorted - keep it that way.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 12:35:54

"hes not a bad man just lost his way"

If you feel sorry enough for him that you want him back then have him back. But be very conscious that if he does return it will not be your old life. Things will be very different, your resentment about your past treatment may spring to the surface when you least expect it, your self-esteem could suffer and you will always have one eye out for a repeat affair. On his part, he will could very easily read your willingness to have him back as carte blanche to behave as he pleases in the future. Do what you think is right but make sure your eyes are wide open.

izzyizin Fri 19-Oct-12 12:36:46

hes not a bad man just lost his way The ony problem with this theory is that he's not a little lamb and if you keep pandering to him, hell will freeze over before he comes home wagging dragging his tail behind him.

i could say no but thats not fair on the children You're using the dc to make excuses for the fact that you want to see him.

Why isn't he having contact with the dc in his flat or in his dm's home?

bossmum41 Fri 19-Oct-12 13:02:31

he does have the dc on a regular basis. things are very complicated and we have been through a lot of heartache i dont pander to him i am in control but yes i would like him home but i was just wandering if i should say a date for him to come to a decision then its still me in charge and not him.

mummytime Fri 19-Oct-12 13:02:37

It isn't fair on the children for him to come into your house for cosy chats. It is giving a confusing message. If his Mum lives next door why can't they go and chat to him there?

If he really really wanted to get you back, he would be wooing you. I would probably still be suggesting that you don't listen to him. But he would be going to super human efforts to get you back, to prove to you that you are worth a lot, and not just something cosy to return to (for a while).

bochead Fri 19-Oct-12 13:15:47

Let the kids see him at their Gran's. You badly need to set some boundaries.

You aren't being fair to the children with all these cosy chats and cuppas. He's cockblocking any other man from taking his place like a dog with a bone he no longer wants - that's ALL. His options remain open to share his new batchelor flat with the woman of his dreams as soon as she comes along while is ego is richly fed by your behavior. So far there have been no real consequences to him for breaking up his family and you continue to enable his disrespectful manipulations.

IF, and it's a big IF he does want you back, then he'll move heaven and earth to make it happen. You won't have to ask him about his intentions or set time limits ffs!!!!!!

Please reclaim your dignity and self respect quickly. You need to accept it's over and move on before your children get seriously hurt.

bossmum41 Fri 19-Oct-12 13:24:54

im sorry i thought i would get some help on this site i know none of you know me or our situation i love my husband he loves me but things which i dont want to go into have happened and we thought we dealt with it but it seems my husband didnt and that is why he is having counselling. all my replies seem to be so bitter and im sorry if you are but i believe in forgivness and for giving people a second chance as we are only human, thankyou all for your replies but bitterness and been told to reclaim my dignity and self resepect is something i dont need to be told to do as i have dignity and self respect and i am most certainly not bitter or full of hatred . he has had consequences happen to him, he has lost his home,friends , spends nights on his own instead of with his family, money and much more . thanks again but not the site i thought it was going to be,i hope all those of you who are bitter and full of hate find a release as hate eats you up.

carlywurly Fri 19-Oct-12 13:37:02

I don't think people are full of hate, just realistic. You sound a warm, forgiving person, but you can't force a relationship where there isn't one. Whatever your traumas, he dealt with them by having an affair and betraying you. I don't think there's a need to give him a date, I think you'd be setting yourself up for a fall rather than taking control.

I am sorry, and I hope you can move on and find happiness elsewhere.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 13:41:58

"thanks again but not the site i thought it was going to be"

When a friend says they want to jump off a cliff 'support' does not mean driving them to Beachy Head....

bochead Fri 19-Oct-12 13:54:51

I'm not ashamed to admit I had councilling at one point to help me learn the fine art of saying "No" to Great Aunt Mabel, the PTA, Sunday School and all the other entities that can ask for "just a little favour". My own wake up call was the demands of having a child with special needs.

It's a VERY common problem for nice kind, caring women generally, and one I recognised in the OP. Your ex is having councelling, you cannot be his lover AND his therapist. If you would like him back then he needs to see you firmly in the "potential love of my life camp" - not as his councellor. The emotionally independent of him you show yourself to be, oddly the more attractive to him you will become. Human nature is funny that way.

He's an adult, you have children. You cannot make his choices for him. Give him the space to make those choices and sort his head out completely. That means harbouring NO hopes & dropping NO hints that you will get back together. Emotional healing is not something that anyone can put a time limit on. You are being unrealistic if he really has been left traumatised by some life event then - what you are suggesting is a form of emotional blackmail.

If HIS head is in a rough place then it also means setting appropriate boundaries for yourself and your children so that the kids aren't left confused or living in false hope that you may reconcile. It means seeking out other forms of emotional support (either from friends or professionals) for your own emotional support needs.

At some point in the future he may decide he would like to properly reconnect with you as a husband, lover and to fully reengage in family life. He's not at that point yet, and for your own sake you have to accept he may never be. You yourself may decide in five years time that you do not want him back as you have reached your own "happy space" without him.

Lovingfreedom Fri 19-Oct-12 13:57:56

NO!!!!! You're doing great getting on with your life without him. Don't let this or any other man who isn't totally thrilled at the thought of it move in. It's natural to waver. Try to see less of him and stick to the break.

izzyizin Fri 19-Oct-12 14:20:11

I've not been divorced and I'm not bitter, nor am I full of hate, honey, but I must confess to feeling a tad despairing at the way in which many spouses who've been fooled by their cheating other halves fool themselves.

Playing Mother Earth, the fount of all forgiveness and understanding to the child that is the wayward spouse, is all very well if both parties are on the same page, but in your case it would seem that what you believe your h has lost is not in the order of a great loss to him,

Many couples undergo traumatic experiences in the course of their marriages. Some emerge with stronger bonds, others buckle under the strain. The fact that your h elected to vote with his feet and set them in the direction of an ow suggests that your marriage was not as important to him as it was to you.

As it seems your purpose in posting today was to be told what you want to hear I suggest you give your h a date by which he must decide once and for all whether he wishes to reconcile with you, but make sure that any such date is set in stone otherwise, given your propensity to make allowance where none should be given, it's likely it will become a moveable feast as you continue to make excuses for him.

If you want to prolong your agony believe that leopards change their spots, I recommend a certain fluffy hunny bunny site where you'll be reassured that of course his love for you is eternal and undying 'cos ur soul mates innit and all you have to do is don the outfit of a Stepford wife stand by your ever open door with ever open arms and wait for him to wipe his feet on you your pristine doormat if when he returns.

ErikNorseman Fri 19-Oct-12 15:54:52

I was in a similar position to you so try to bear that in mind when you read my advice...
If you let him string you along your self esteem will be destroyed. You will start to feel you aren't good enough and it will wear you down. You will also hand all the power over to him.
Comes a point where you have to decide for both of you - not leave the decision making power in his hands. If you tell him 'shape up or ship out' and he ships out - well there is your answer. You deserve more than a man who can't be arsed to make up his mind about whether he wants you or not.
See that as hateful and bitter if you wish, but I advise you to stick around, you will need mumsnet in the future.

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