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Staying togehter for the children? can it work?

(7 Posts)
zombieplanmum Fri 19-Oct-12 11:04:25

I am getting to the end i think with my DP, we have been together for 20 years and most of them were happy. He is a lovely lovely man and a great dad, he is not without his faults but he IS a good dad and my DD adores him. I just think that too much has happened and its destroyed us. I still love him, i always will, like i say, he is a good man. But i need to protect my sanity, i need to switch off this relationship. Can i do this? Has anyone done this and made it work?

My DD ADORES her daddy, and it would damage her permanently i know this if we were to split, to the extent that it if it came to it i know she would want to stay with him.

How would i make this work? For one thing, we couldnt afford to split, i dont work (not for the want of trying) there is no money, id have nothing. At least at the moment we have the house (if we manage to keep it) and that is some sort of security for my DD. I do not want to be the one responsible for any upheavel - she is 7.

Has anyone done this? I don't know in reality how i can make this work, when really all i want is to turn the time back to when things were good between us, but after years of constant bickering and rows i know this wont happen sad I think that is what has changed, i have always held on to how good it was in the hope that it could be like that again - maybe i should be grateful for 15 stupidly happy years, that is more than many people have.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Fri 19-Oct-12 11:16:06

Hi Zombie, it sounds as if your marriage has been more good than bad. You say he is a lovely man etc and that you have had 15 stupidly happy years before things turned bad.

Obviously I don't know what "too much has happened and it's destroyed us" actually covers....but maybe there is a chance to revitalise this relationship, as you also say "really all I want is to turn the time back to when things were good between us"

Just going on what you have said, I'd say you could benefit from joint counselling....if you went and had a go, and if it didn't mend things, at least you'd both be able to say to yourselves that you tried everything. You would also probably be able to work out with a skilled counsellor how to proceed from here and what would work best for you, your DH and your DD.

Lovingfreedom Fri 19-Oct-12 11:21:39

If I'd realised how well children cope with sensible co-parenting arrangement I would have split from my husband years ago. Now everyone is happier despite my DS absolutely dreading it. It's your life and your choices. Try not to let guilt and dread guide you though rather than hope and vision for the future.
You don't say why you feel your relationship is irretrievably damaged. If you can fix it then try that for all of you. Personally I doubt your DD will thank you for staying in an unhappy marriage long term.
You won't lose your DD. If she's 7 she can't choose to cut you out. If you are a SAHP prob more likely you'd continue to be resident parent and you'd make arrangement for DD to see her dad.
See solicitor for free consultation re your financial position.
All the best.

BabblingWreckSimianBrain Fri 19-Oct-12 11:21:43

The only way is if you can bring some life and some happiness back to the relationship.
If you spend the next 10-15 years in a cold and empty relationship you will resent your DH, you will be miserable and you will feel cheated of a happy and meaningful partnership.
Another thing is, if you've been together 20 years I'm assuming that you're at least in your mid to late 30's. In 10 years time you will be nearly 50 and believe me, there really aren't many available decent men around of that age group. I'm 50 and divorced. I waited around too long in my marriage trying to stay together. I wish I'd left many years ago when I was still young enough to rebuild my life and find a great DP.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 11:31:12

You've got a long thread going about your DH's inability to manage his business' cashflow, the anxiety this is causing you and the bad-tempered refusal to acknowledge problems or accept help. The fights start 'five minutes after he walks through the door'.

If you stay together for your DD but 'switch off the relationship' .. none of the above goes away. It just means your DD gets to look back at her childhood, not with happy memories of Mum and Dad laughing and smiling at each other but of an unhappy household where everyone is either on pins, giving each other the silent treatment or arguing. I don't think that's such a great thing to give a child.

As for DD opting to live with Dad rather than you in the event of a split... you'll probably find he wouldn't want the responsibility.

Lovingfreedom Fri 19-Oct-12 11:32:30

Maybe consider if you would advise your DD to stay in this type of relationship for the sake of her kids when the time comes. No point being a martyr.

Work it out with DH if that's possible. If not sooner you get new normality sorted out the better. IME kids just want to know where they are, when and that they can see their friends, parents and get on with it. They often don't like the thought of change but they deal with it esp if you let them know what's happening and get used to new arrangements quickly.

What does your DD gain from you being miserable. She's too young to know what's best for either you or her.

Lovingfreedom Fri 19-Oct-12 11:48:16

I've just read your other thread. The drama of this kind of relationship is addictive and I'd suspect this is less about your DD and more about you looking for an excuse to yourself for not leaving.

You don't need an excuse to leave an unhappy situation....or even to stay in it if you want to.

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