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Wife doesn't love me anymore

(277 Posts)
Lostdad31 Fri 19-Oct-12 06:36:57

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

Talldarkman Sun 15-Oct-17 20:59:44

smile thanks. Will do.

Myamoth Sun 15-Oct-17 20:55:34

@Talldarkman I am so sorry to read your post, I'm a long time lurker but have never posted before, I just didn't want to read and run - no-one has replied to you because you have posted your heartfelt and heartbreaking message on the last page (page 11) on what I think is called a Zombie thread, that's a very old one from 2012, so anyone reading the first post will believe the story is long dead. Could you cut and paste your story into a new thread so that people can see it and you can get the help and support you need? xxx

Talldarkman Sun 15-Oct-17 18:17:43

I think my wife is falling out of love with me. I can hardly believe I've just written those words after 21 years of marriage but I can't help but think that she just doesn't love me anymore and I don't know what to do. I think it is because of the fact that we have been dealing with our youngest sons depression for the last 5-8 years and it's started to take its toll on the relationship but I just don't know. People have said that we have managed to stay strong through situations that would have made other couples crumble but I think we are starting to crumble and I don't want to. I am in complete despair at the idea of losing her. She is my one true and closest friends but she can get so volatile with me that I am frightened to talk to her about it. We have made love once in the last two years and whenever anything goes wrong at the moment it tends to be me that takes all the frustration. The trouble is that it's personal. If I get distressed, which is very infrequent as I am the calm one in the house, then she will verbally abuse me or tell me that I am turning into my Father, like this is some sort of sin. The thing that hurts me the most is that I have never said a bad word against her, nor would I ever. I love her unconditionally and could never bring myself to hurt her, yet she talks me to like I am rubbish. Like I am the dirt on her shoe. She works really hard and I know how hard she works looking after the house too. I help wherever I can with the house as I always have and look after her like I always have. I compliment her and I tell her how much I love her but I just don't seem to be doing enough. I know we've been through a difficult few years. We've lost both of my parents in 4 years and our son who is dipreased took to drugs in the same time period as a coping mechanism but shoes to lie about it and hide it from us. It was only when we realise he was stealing from us to pay for his habit that we found out. We've managed to find him private counselling that can potentially help to turn his life around but this was not before 5 years of hell trying ourselves to get him to stop the habit and failing. But we are over the worst of this and We did it together. The worst parts were when we were struggling to know what was best for our Son, we would sometimes clash on which way to turn or what to try next but it was always with the same common goal, but she didn't see it like this it was always me getting it wrong.
I'm sitting here now becuase we've just learned that our son is active taking drugs again, he'd lied to us again and so I lost my temper with him after he'd told me to F Off and and basically shouted back at him to have some respect and not talk to me like that, but that resulted in me being shouted at by my wife for taking things too far and so she has gone for a lie down and I'm sitting downstairs frightened to go into the bedroom becuase I know that I'm going to get a load of abuse yet again. I'm tip toeing around my own house and my own wife and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing everything that's good in my world and I don't know what to do.

itsmeagain1 Sun 20-Mar-16 00:03:46

Apologies OP but I am so emailing that address asking for a spell.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe Sun 20-Mar-16 00:00:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoomGloomAndKaboom Sat 19-Mar-16 23:42:14

Aleena tells us she is from New Yock City USA.

Aleena, in addition to your spell caster, you might also want to engage the services of a spellcheck.

Just an idea.

Aleena40 Sat 19-Mar-16 23:19:23

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aleena40 Sat 19-Mar-16 23:18:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Desperado1909 Tue 02-Dec-14 21:23:33

Hang in there buddy.
I have similar situation. Wife texting all the time

lolat5656565 Wed 28-May-14 14:46:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 27-Feb-13 10:45:50

It is normal to feel hurt and angry, but this man will never replace you. I get upset when DD comes home and says she has been swimming with XH and OW, but she will never replace me, even if they end up together properly.

Your STBXW has handled this badly but again it is all par for the course and their selfish behaviour.

As for the odd comments above, ignore them too as they obviously haven't read the whole thread as they do not seem to realise that you have already moved out!

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 27-Feb-13 10:15:04

She has behaved really badly, and you know that.

I don't think there is anything you can do about this latest thing. I would just carry on being lovely with the children, and being calm and reasonable in your dealings with her. In the long-run, calm and reasonable is the best way. I know it must hurt, especially as the children are so small. But you are always Dad, and nothing will ever change that.

fluffyraggies Wed 27-Feb-13 08:56:32

It's very natural for you to feel hurt and angry. It's bad that you had to hear it from your DC. She should have told you, warned you.

I would say that you have a right to calmly ask your STBX a little about Dave as he is going to be socialising with your children.

I'm struggling to say this and keep starting again! But the best way i can put it is that this introduction with Dave was inevitable. Once again STBX has gone about things very badly. I'm sorry.

This is a particularly bad time to deal with it as you are away from the kids and must feel very frustrated. Hope the time passed quickly now - and you will be back to be reunited with your children very soon.

fortyplus Wed 27-Feb-13 02:09:19

Lostandfounddad you're bound to feel angry and upset about what's happened. Movce on - you deserve better. I left my husband about 6 months ago - together 27 years, married 19, two boys 17 and 19. We've grown apart over the years. My attitude is that we had many happy years and should celebrate what was good about our relationship, but he hasn't spoken to me since before Christmas. I hear via a friend that he's totally paranoid about me and what I'm up to - the truth is I'm usually either paddling a boat, riding a horse or with our sons, my mum or my brother and his wife.

This is probably TMI but shortly before I left he even noticed that I had trimmed my pubic hair and was convinced that this meant I was having an affair. The truth is that my paddling activities mean communal changing rooms so I didn't want stray ones showing!

He has told friends that I only stayed with him because I wanted a financially-sound father to make babies!! Honestly - we were together 8 years before we had kids and I wasn't even that bothered about it - he was the one more keen to start a family.

So I guess what I'm saying is that it's normal for you to be a little obsessive about her actions but maybe you're reading too much into it. You're understandably angry and upset about her relationship with Dave and frankly she's behaved very badly. But she probably was very happy with you for ages - please don't think that your whole marriage was a sham. That's what my stbxh thinks and he's got it so wrong xx

middleeasternpromise Wed 27-Feb-13 01:08:11

I think Cappa its too late for that if you accessed only half the thread as I could only get tonight (online glitch me thinks)- his updates are clear shes moved on and has someone else and despite his efforts shes off and running - could well be depression but shes doing it with a serious focus on elsewhere ..

Still think you need to stay in the house OP and not make it easy for her to take it all and run.

CappaFrappaChino Wed 27-Feb-13 00:49:41

I can't believe that none of you ladies remember how tiring having children is. The woman is most likely depressed, with 2 pre-schoolers and having babies in a short space of time. Perhaps she's flirting because she needs to feel like a woman again. Perhaps hubby doesn't give her a break, let her catch up on much needed sleep occasionally. Perhaps the idyllic life that he sees is not the one the wife has because she's too tired - cleaning cooking looking after kids looking after hubby. Take stock husband. Be honest. If you want to keep her, you've got to be honest- have you looked after her?

middleeasternpromise Wed 27-Feb-13 00:23:36

Oh dear get ready this is worrying - you need advice and you should google divorce sites so you know all your options. Of course you are hoping for a different outcome but actually if you want her to see shes made a mistake dont take this type of behaviour lying down but say OK thats how you feel well you will make your own decisions I on the other hand wont be putting up with any nonsense. I would like you to stay but if youre not then youre the one leaving and I will arrange what contact you have with the children. Let me know when youve found alternative accomodation. By the way Ive seen your phone so dont try the 'its not you its me' I know you like someone else - yes it hurts like hell but if thats they way you think I deserve to be treated after all we have been through together then youre not the person I thought you were. I hope you can live with your behaviour but thats not my call.

PS youre in the lounge - (chuck ropey duvet in her direction after fitting nice new lock on master bedroom)

kittybiscuits Wed 27-Feb-13 00:19:03

It's very ok to be angry. So sorry you heard it like this.

Lostandfounddad Wed 27-Feb-13 00:13:45

Time moves on and I'm doing ok. That is until yesterday. I'm away on a course at the minute, Monday to Friday for 2 weeks. It's horrible being away from the kids for so long. I was speaking to eldest on phone yesterday, she's a proper chatterbox, I hardly got a word in for 10 minutes smile But during the conversation she dropped in that Dave had been round - Dave is STBXW's other bloke. I didn't know that the kids had met him, turns out yesterday was the second time. I'm so disappointed in STBXW, that she could invite this guy into our kids life and not even tell me, I had to hear from our 2 and a half year old. It is ok to be angry?

fluffyraggies Thu 07-Feb-13 21:26:56

Ah bless.
This is a lovely thing for her to have said in a way as it shows she has no notion of the trouble between you and your STBXW. That she feels it would be fine for you to have sleep-over basically! smile

I think you are doing the very best for them, and you should be proud. Hopefully the new work rosta will get you all into a routine. That will be reassuring for the children too.

Skyebluesapphire Thu 07-Feb-13 20:35:41

hey, it will be hard for a while. I was shopping in a local town, when DD said to my mum, Nana, do you know that Daddy went to live somewhere else? I miss Daddy and Mummy misses him too, but he won't come home :-(

I just cried and cried in the middle of the street! This was very early days at the time.....

Now nearly twelve months on, her comments don't usually get to me....

The poor children don't understand, thats the trouble. All you can do is give them a secure loving life when they are with you and they will remember that as they grow up

Lostandfounddad Thu 07-Feb-13 20:18:24

New roster at work hasn't kicked in yet so childcare is still a little disjointed. I had the kids yesterday but they were staying at their mum's last night. So I gave them tea, then took them to STBXW's house to bath them and put them to bed, as she didn't get home from work until after 7. After I read Ella, my eldest, her bedtime story she said something so sweet it broke my heart. She asked me where I was going to sleep tonight. I told her I was going back to daddy's house to go to bed. She then said "you can sleep here daddy, this is my house". So lush it just got me (held it together until after I tucked her in). I suppose that's the thing, the little things are always going to get you no matter how well you think you're doing.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 04-Feb-13 08:33:54

Hi Lost how you doing?

The first few weeks alone are tough. My Ex left in september, and it was the first time I had ever lived alone. Took some getting used to, but now i like it. I most certainly lost my cool for a good few months, looking back I realise how bad I was, but a few months on I am feeling great.

If you feel crappy now, don't worry too much, it will pass smile

calmlychaotic Mon 04-Feb-13 00:10:16

great new name and you sound like you are coping so well with it all now. kids will love staying at daddys I used to.

JessieMcJessie Sun 03-Feb-13 18:45:34

OP, what a sad story. I am more than a little flabbergasted at your wife essentially using you for child care while she spent the night with her lover, and changing her name back so soon in your mutual workplace. Insensitive doesn't begin to cover it. At least you are in your own place now and not at her beck and call.

This must be unbelievably tough for you but you sound like a great guy and you can always hold your head high and when your kids are older they will be proud of how you behaved. As for your STBXW she sounds like a piece of work and you're well shot of her. If your old username was based on your age, you still have a lot of time on your side to meet a woman who does deserve you and build a long and happy relationship once you have had enough time to recover from your marriage. Best of luck.

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