Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Wife doesn't love me anymore(277 Posts)
My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.
She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.
But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.
I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.
Your wife is behaving like a twat, and treating you like a mug
Lostdad, your wife is selfish and immature.
Yes, having kids is massive life change for her, and I dare say that she feels less confident of her attractiveness, and finds flirty messages an ego boost. But she's a married mum of two, and needs to get her act together and find excitement WITHIN the marriage, not outside.
You sound lovely, and I'm so sorry this happening to you.
She is taking the piss, checking out of her marriage in this way. She is in a fantasy bubble which needs bursting - you need to bring a massive dose of hard cold reality.
Your youngest is only eight months old so I'm guessing that she has only gone back to work fairly recently. Tell us more about the decision eg was it mutual?
Careful about 'allowing her time to make a decision'. It could be a cover for 'allowing her time to plan her getaway'.
More worryingly time could be about making herself fee better about ultimately leaving or enabling her to blame you - "I tried my hardest" kind of a thing. Time without anything really changing wont help.
OP I'm sorry for you. One big difficulty for men in this situation is that despite the woman presenting them with wanting to separate, or an affair, the man may still be expected to be the one who should leave and not live with his kids, which is horrible. Of course there are other solutions but I would find this really upsetting.
She owes it to you at the very least to have a serious talk. You need to ask her why exactly she doesn't feel about you as she did and what is better about the OM. Also what exactly she sees happening long term if you were to separate. Has she got some plans relating to how you can stay with your children and not be shunted out, as this isn't your fault? And you both need to listen - she needs to think about whether she's just bored and numbed by the exhausting daily routine with two small DC, which could be remedied, and you need to be aware if there is actually anything you've done to deserve her loss of feelings (not saying you have, but for example if you do no housework, go off doing fun stuff at weekends leaving her with the DC etc. as a lot of men you hear about on here do) - then her unhappiness could have built up through resentment.
I think it's possible this is a blip and she'll change her mind, but also possible it's not, but either way you need to keep talking and making sure whatever happens makes things as easy as possible for your children.
Would she consider counselling whe you could talk about all this in a controlled way?
Why should HE leave? He has done nothing wrong? She should go to cool her heels they can do childcare 50/50
Useful link about the prevention myth:
Has anyone said he should leave? I thought people were saying they'd benefit from time apart rather than telling him to go.
Of course this depends on if your wife works p/t and who has the child benefit but nevertheless I would not just assume the you go. She is being cowardly and selfish! Good luck lovely.
Yep someone suggested he should go earlier to offer space. Well that person should really be the wife.
It depends on a lot of factors, the most important being who is best placed to provide childcare and what they hope to gain from the separation.
Yep which is what I said but if the OP wants some time to think, I really dont see why wife should automatically get to stay in the family home.
I think if my husband said he didn't love me and had been flirty texting with someone from work I would want to leave him and the children for a short period to think about my feelings and thoughts clearly. If I decided that what he had said had ended the relationship I'd ask him to leave me and the home and stay with his parents because I'm a SAHM and he wouldn't be able to care for the kids and I wouldn't be able to earn what he does.
Yes offred I understand, but that's your situation. I am merely suggesting that the OP should have a little think about what he wants and not necessarily be immediatley jumping to the conclusion that he has to go!
Reminds me of the 'big yellow taxi' lyrics. 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone'. Unbelievable, what your DW has been up to, especially with 2 young DC's and I'm sorry for what the OP is going through.
It sounds to me like a woman who is not thinking clearly, perhaps caught up by a new thrill. But she is most likely not seeing the world as it is around her, has not got to considering how a life on her own with 2 young DC's or how a life with a new person with 2 young DC's can quickly put a crimp on the honeymoon phase of a new relationship.
If you are normally very supportive, you could try withdrawing that support for a while, go away somewhere for a couple of weeks, give her the harsh reality of what life will be like without you. If she uses this time to be with OM, at least you know where you stand, more likely she may come to realise your worth and I hope for you that is the case.
I know and I agree but I also think the ultimate decision over childcare and houses shouldn't have anything to do with the way the relationship ended but how you're lives are organised and what will provide most stability and security for the children. That was what I meant by my example. I think it must be extremely hard for a man in op's position and he must feel very out of control and desperate and I think she owes him better than "I've stopped loving you and am diverting my energies elsewhere but I'll stay for some kind of grace period". The only thing that'll help is not getting into a fight but getting some clarity on the position he is in and some mental space to make his own decision about what he wants.
I am very sorry to read your story. My STBXH announced in February that he no longer loved me and walked out. We talked, he came back, walked again six weeks later.
I then discovered he was texting another woman over 100 times a day and flirting with her, so I can understand how you feel. I was given a lot of advice on here, mainly to forget about him, divorce him and move on.....
Your wife is having an affair, emotional if not physical. This doesnt have to mean that your marriage is over, but she does need to face up to what she is doing and until she does, there is no chance for your marriage to work.
You and she need to have a serious talk. You need to know how far it has gone with this man and if she is able to cut contact with him. YOU need to decide if YOU want to stay in a marriage with a spouse who is prepared to deceive you, but that is your decision and nobody elses.
A marriage doesnt have to be over , but you do need complete honesty from both of you
Its not just automatic the she 'will be on her own' with the kids! I worry for the OP that he will give this woman all the power because of a view that if it came to separation the woman gets to keep the house and kids! Not necessarily the case!
I speak from some experience- my ex had an affair, and nowwe share childcare 50/50-despite the fact that I was a SAHM when they were pre schoolers.
Its up to you OP of course and you must be in terrible shock. When you feel up to it you might want to suggest a break for a timeperiod check out the legals before you do it tho-you dont want to leave the house only to find that it is hard to move back in again!
Yep someone suggested he should go earlier to offer space.
That was moi ike but actually I totally agree with you and begonia above... I was just focussing on the space element of it but you're perfectly right, he's not the one messing about and there's no way he should be under an obligation to leave the family home. She won't though.
The idea of the space is that it would be short-term. If you show you mean business about these things, that's the best way to change a situation. It's like with kids, there's no point in threatening punishment all the time, you have to follow through to make it effective. I guarantee that if OP told her he was moving out until she sorted her head out, and actually did it, she'd come running, having realised what she stood to lose. THEN the counselling etc can start. Nothing can change if it's all on her terms.
I understand Hell, its not a big deal and I didnt want to sound pedantic-just offering up a bit of consolation for the OP and something to think about..
However I do think knowledge if power OP. Belive me, I totally understand if you dont feel you have the stomach for it at the mo, but just check out your legal position if you decide to have some time away from the family home.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.