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This is going to sound like a weird situation, but it is true

(99 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

knackeredknitter Fri 19-Oct-12 00:17:32

Basically my h insists on looking after the children, and will not let me do anything. He doesn't actually tell me I can't but gets stroppy if I do.
He will say the food I cooked tastes "nice now I have put ketchup on it"
He has in the past, and I am not kidding, put salt in the flour so the dc won't eat what I have baked, has burnt food by turning hob up to full blast when I have left it simmering, just lots of strange things.
To everyone, he is a great hands-on Dad, but to me he is a bully who tries to stand between me and my children.
I think if I tell anyone they will think I am mad, and tell me to be more appreciative.......
Am I bonkers?

LineRunner Fri 19-Oct-12 00:18:49


knackeredknitter Fri 19-Oct-12 00:20:12

Oh, helpful

TheDarkestNight Fri 19-Oct-12 00:26:52

I don't know much about this but didn't want to read and run. Sounds a bit emotionally abusive to me. I hope someone comes along with better advice soon.

Only4theOlympics Fri 19-Oct-12 00:27:48

If he is actively sabotaging you then you aren't the bonkers one.

Is it just food he is like this with?

Have you asked him about it?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 19-Oct-12 00:28:42

He sounds like a bully to me, a very clever bully but a bully nonetheless. Do you want to stay married to him? Do you have options to leave him?

annh Fri 19-Oct-12 00:31:20

Do you have any friends you can talk to about this? If I was your friend and you told me something like this I absolutely would not think you were bonkers. A lovely, hands-on Dad in public could easily be a complete head case behind closed doors. Have you asked him outright why e.g. he put salt in the flour? Does your husband work or is he always home looking after the children? And has he always been like this or is it a gradual thing?

ThreadWatcher Fri 19-Oct-12 00:31:26

He sounds like an abusive bully to me.

Id ask him to behave as an adult or leave.

Feckbox Fri 19-Oct-12 00:34:27

Tell us more. This is most peculiar

monsterchild Fri 19-Oct-12 00:36:56

He sounds totally bonkers. Do the kids know that he does these things? Do you call him on it? How old are the kids?

knackeredknitter Fri 19-Oct-12 00:38:05

He used to work, but got made redundant a couple of years ago, and now doesn't even bother looking for work. I have a 9 month old baby that breastfeeds like a newborn, and h has suggested to me that I should look for a job. He started doing this when I had spd, and would say "oh you are always ill" in earshot of anyone, including the children. Ds1 has said to me recently, that it is ok if I can't go to his school play, because I am apparently I am always ill, he got this idea from his father, because it is not true in reality.
I really do think I am going mad, I can't seem to get my head straight about it.
When I am helping the kids with their homework/hearing them read, he keeps coming in and interrupting me with the most idiotic questions.

bringupthebabies Fri 19-Oct-12 00:40:08

KK, I remember your previous posts. Altho the form of your H's behaviour is unusual, it is nevertheless emotional abuse - just an unusual form of control. Unfortunatelt it is a very destructive form. What could be worse for you than ruining your relationship with your own children?

If I were you I would leave immediately with my DC if at all possible. Nothing would be more important to me than preserving/restoring that relationship without it being cruelly manipulated by a nasty, inadequate bully.

PS You don't sound bonkers - he does

knackeredknitter Fri 19-Oct-12 00:40:38

The children don't notice, but dd sometimes gets angry with her father and shouts at him that she wants Mummy, he then walks off in a strop. I noticed a couple of days ago that ds1 got nervous when he was telling me about the school council meeting and his father heard him, which is worrying.

knackeredknitter Fri 19-Oct-12 00:44:11

Actually he works freelance for some of his friends, but it is not enough to pay the bills properly, yet he still finds the money to buy a new mac hmm

bringupthebabies Fri 19-Oct-12 00:45:41

If you feel like you are going mad then you really need 1 A break - even a few days away (mums?) will help you relax and get some clarity... 2 counselling - it is very difficult to have confidence in your own judgement when you are being fundamentally undermined at home all the time.

Also try educating yourself about emotional abuse and then distancing yourself from him and just watrching his behaviour. Try to play 'spot the control technique'. It helps you to start seeing how he achieves control and why you feel as you do. Getting a bit of understanding about what's going on will make you feel stronger and clearer.

TinyDancingHoofer Fri 19-Oct-12 00:57:31

How long has this been going on and how many children do you have with him? If it is recent then perhaps he is having some kind of MH problem himself. It sounds like he is paranoid about leaving you with the children.

JoInScotland Fri 19-Oct-12 00:57:50

This sounds like classic Emotional Abuse. The salt in the flour and turning up the hobs are classic "gaslighting". My friend's partner is like this - always saying strange stuff that the 2-year-old can't understand and repeats... the partner is always twisting my friend's words and starting arguments. Then he goes and sits in his van with a fag and a tin of beer while my friend does all teh work of getting dinner ready, children fed and put to bed. Great eh? She's working very hard to go down and stay with her parents while she sorts out accomodation because she can't take it anymore. He won't change, and I doubt your partner will either.

Dryjuice25 Fri 19-Oct-12 01:42:24

Blatant manipulation and gaslighting bully. He is trying to damage your relationship with dcs. Quite disturbing to read I must say.

It sounds very deliberate and ruthless. You need to talk to him about this. He sounds financially abusive too. Your love for him is not apparent and it sounds like there is a lot more going on?

DistressedMumHELP Fri 19-Oct-12 01:54:40

One part of an abusive relationship is stopping you interacting with your children to isolate you. An abuser knows this is one way of controlling you, maybe tru the freedom programme, it is not just for women who have experienced abuse but some of those who are still in an abusive relationships.

YNK Fri 19-Oct-12 01:55:07

Don't bother talking to him about this - just get out! Red flags everywhere! It will only get worse!

mummytime Fri 19-Oct-12 05:42:26

Phone women's aid, and get some RL help. You need to get out of there with the kids ASAP.

ChasedByBees Fri 19-Oct-12 05:52:20

It sounds very insidious behaviour. Do you want to stay with him? I'd leave if someone tried to damage my relationship with DD personally, his gas lighting sounds really disturbing. What was he like before kids?

TheSkiingGardener Fri 19-Oct-12 06:54:49

He sounds cruel and unpleasant. You are certainly not bonkers, write down everything that is bothering you and then look at the list. Then ask yourself if you are prepared to keep putting up with it.

regnamechange Fri 19-Oct-12 07:00:13

Def emotionally abusing you IMO. Take the advice given Above sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Oct-12 07:17:33

Definately emotionally abusive and now your DD and DS are picking up on all this as well.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship. There is no future in this, your only option here is to now instigate divorce proceedings. Abusers too are very plausible to those in the outside world but I am certain that a couple of your friends have their own suspicions that all is not well with you two.

What do you want to teach these young people about relationships?. This is in no way an ideal role model for them to be seeing is it?. They would not thank you for staying with him either if you were to choose to in the longer term.

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