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domestic violence - seen by my son

(110 Posts)
awana Thu 18-Oct-12 23:00:04

Been thrown / shoved across the room tonight by DH for closing his computer when I tried to talk to him and he ignored/ shouted at me. 2nd time onto DS who is 3 and witness everything. Of course he was very upset. I dn't think he was hurt though.

It hasn't happened often, but DS's done physical abuse once before. It's mainly been mental abuse - difficult for me because he meanness effects my health. Tried to call Women's aid and all they have said to do is go to a refuge. i've got a severe bed / house bound disability, so it will be impossible to maintain this in the long term by myself and DS. Any big emotinal jolt will cause me to get worse right now.

DH did apologise, but then tried to blame me for goading him into this, and then said I lost my temper so I deserved it (I didn't x2).

Don't know what to do...any hints on encouragin a DH to leave?!

Should i call police and log it? I'm concerned about my DS having seen this (it's the 2nd time) I dont feel in a position to leave, and don't think it the physical stuff will happen very often, only when he's really narked. He's just not very nice as a person and this has all happened since my DS was born, and my illness came on then as well-he was an absolute nightmare.

He used to be in a 6 figure job, bu has been out of work for the last 2 years and only worked for 5 months in that. Not really tryng to get any work either. It's like he's having a big sulk cos my son was born. He doesn't do much around the house, and spends his time on facebook. we have to get a cleaner in even though we're on the last of our savings!

Told a couple of friends but they chose not to believe me / belittle it - he puts on a really good front and is lovely to everyone. Really gutted as I thought they were good friends.

Sorry about the ramble. Was hoping to get some practical advice. thanks for reading

kiwigirl42 Thu 18-Oct-12 23:08:33

(((Hugs))) how frightening for you both. Hopefully someone will come along who can give better advice than me but I would ring the police and log it. You need to be safe and he needs someone to tell him its unacceptable if neither him or the 'friends' can see this.

DippyDoohdah Thu 18-Oct-12 23:09:55

definitely log it with police.and its not good enough for you our your soon to put up with this even if it is occasionally. my Dh went down hill when child born too. a refugee could be good and supportive? is there a local DV service you can access?x

mieowcat Thu 18-Oct-12 23:10:38

Can you talk to your health visitor? Or call women's aid again and ask what other support services they offer, eg a support worker or some counselling for you?
Your ds witnessing this is really serious and you both do not deserve to be treated this way. Can you sit dh down and have a serious discussion about what help hd feels he needs and what the options are for you as a family? This will not get better without some intervention??

Blu Thu 18-Oct-12 23:12:37

awana, really, really sorry this is happening to you.

You are right, you do not deserve it, and you couldn't ever 'deserve it', there is no such thing - no-one 'deserves' to be hit.

And your poor child.

I'm not a person with the right advice here (not knowlegable enough), but you do sound vulnerable. Do you still see a Health Visitor you could talk to? If you can't leave straight away, maybe your HV or GP could suggest support for you in terms of Freedom Training (help with freeing yourself from an abusive relationship).

It sounds as if your DH could do with seeing his GP too, to see if he is depressed - and whether anger management could help. But for that to work he has to really understand that there are no 'ifs and buts', it is HIS responsibility if he hits and shoves you, NOT yours, whatever you did or did not do.

It can't go on, your child being subjected to this. It will harm him. So doing nothing and hoping for the best isn't really an option, is it?

4sure Thu 18-Oct-12 23:31:53

Awana, this is terrible for you and your child. No one can tell you what to do as it is so personal but personally it might be wise to log it with the police just in case it continues happening which I hope it doesn't for you. The problem is for the long term without logging things like this with the police then there will be no proof/history/ of what DH has done already in the past to you which then wouldn't help you very much legally if the need should ever arise to where you need the law to help your case more strongly. Speaking to your GP might help too as they can also make a note of the incident and keep it on file as well and have a chat with you privately about the situation/s.

Snazzyspookyandscary Thu 18-Oct-12 23:56:35

You need to speak to someone. Is your current place rented or owned and whose named are on it? Is it adapted in any way to help you deal with your condition? Just thinking of things to clear a way forward, hopefully.

Snazzyspookyandscary Thu 18-Oct-12 23:57:14

And no, of course you didn't 'deserve' it and it can't be justified.

colditz Thu 18-Oct-12 23:59:23

Ring women's aid.

HissyByName Fri 19-Oct-12 07:41:31

You're not in a position to leave, you don't think?

How can you not see that you, and your poor helpless boy are in no position to stay.

Please think on, this will get worse, and your son is suffering.

The longer you stay, the more damage will be done to you both,

I've done 10 yrs in an abusive relationship, please don't make that mistake.

If you go now, your son won't be so affected. You have to show him that this is not how women are treated, or he'll grow up and copy his dad.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 07:44:06

Definitely call the police and log the assault. Talk again to Womens Aid and explain your health situation. There must be a way to get him away from you so that you and your son can be safe again. Friends who choose to belittle you are not friends. Do you have family you can turn to?

awana Fri 19-Oct-12 13:31:53

Thanks for support and lovely messages - didn't know what to do with myself. your messages really help - feel so isolated. I called the police to log the call this morning and then they said they had to come round - ended up arresting DH!

Really worried about the shit storm that's going to kick off when he comes back - hadn't realised that they would do anything like that at all. I tried to tell them to come when he was out, but they refused and said that he should be present. eek

tried to talk to my mum about it and ask for help with DS and then she had a go at me for inconveniencing her day, even though I told her that I'd been assaulted and DH arrested. i've been bed bound for a month now and she hasn't been to visit once even though she lives round the corner. ...ok, that last bit was a moan about my mum, she's always been like this to me all my life - I don't expect her to change, i was hoping for a bit of concern instead of her putting the phone down on me.

about your thoughts - yes think DH is depressed angry frustated and he's taking it out on me. He won't go to the Dr though - he repeatedly says that I've the one with the problem. unless something major happens he's going to believe that of me forever.

I keep thinking things will get better - and in a way can't do without DH because of my illness and him looking after DS. I have been really trying not to upset / goad him and yesterday came really out of the blue. HissyByName - you really put things into perspective. 10 years of this is an impossible stretch to imagine. I can't do it. I hope he realises that.

DS spoke about it several times when he came back from school saying he wanted daddy to live somewhere else cos he hits mummy. It breaks my heart. I don't want him to be witness to that.

This all feels like a surreal film rolling out before my eyes. I can't believe all this stuff is happening to me, and how much more I go through. Just glad that you are all out there. Even if I can't talk to family / friends in real life it's good to have a virtual place where I feel safe.

Thanks folks ;-)

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 13:39:33

The reason you called the police was because you'd been assaulted and you didn't seem to have anyone IRL who believed you. The police, by arresting him, believe you. This is a significant improvement. As the victim of a reported crime this now means you are on their radar and they have a certain duty to look out for you and your DS. So don't be surprised if you are now contacted by Social Services or other agencies that are there to help.

If you are not able to live independently, you should not have to endure living with an abusive 'carer' feeling too frightened to say anything. However depressed, angry or frustrated someone is, they are not entitled to lash out at anyone - related or otherwise. Ask for help now, while he's gone. I don't know how... via your GP perhaps? Think very, very hard about whether you want him to come back or whether you'd prefer him to stay away for a good deal longer...

Good luck

mummytime Fri 19-Oct-12 13:57:09

If/when you are contacted by SS do ask for their help. It is child abuse for children to observe their parents being violent. But Ss will want to keep you and your son together without your H being around. They should try to get you outside agency help.

HissyByName Fri 19-Oct-12 14:05:00

Your H won't ever see that you can't face his abuse, tbh, ime, it'll spur him on to more abuse.

He's doing this, to an already vulnerable person, because he CAN. He's a special brand of sick bastard to do that!

Don't ever give up until he's out of your environment.

You can get help, help that won't abuse you. Tell everyone what has happened, call WA for help/advice, call your doctors and get it logged and on paper.

The police have DV teams too, please let them lead you, let them have this man punished for what he's done.

You don't need to let him back in the house.

As for your mum, sadly that reaction is typical. Most victims of DV end up there due to parental dysfunction/neglect.

She's actually helped create/caused this situationyou are trapped in, she'll try and keep you in it too. Don't rely on her for any help, now and in the future.

I'm so sorry, your world has been torn apart, but you will find yourself so much stronger when you're free of these toxic people.

We're all here for you, please be brave, please listen and please trust us. We have no agenda apart from knowing you are safe and free from abuse.

HissyByName Fri 19-Oct-12 14:08:20

DS spoke about it several times when he came back from school saying he wanted daddy to live somewhere else cos he hits mummy.


Please listen to your son, he's asking for your help! He can't save you, only you can save your family (that's you and ds btw)

There are many of us like you, who wish we weren't, but it is what it is, we are safe, we are strong, happy and starting new and loving futures.

foolonthehill Fri 19-Oct-12 14:18:20

You need other help with DS, not this man back in the house.

Call S. Services yourself and ask for what is available to a Bed bound mother with a son and arrested, violent partner. Do this both because you need the help and because it LOOKS BETTER to tell them yourself that to be reported as high risk. SS will not want your DH back in the house, they will want to protect your son from this abuse, they will not want him removed and they will know what is available for you.

well done for reporting. the next little while will be emotional, tricky, confusing and hard...but out the other side will be BETTER!

Also phone Women's Aid for some support for you following this assault.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 19-Oct-12 16:18:34

Your H won't see things from your point of view, get help for himself, or leave. You're going to have to do the hard work of removing him from yours and DS's daily life yourself.

I'm sorry.

Your mother has trained you well to accept contemptuous treatment from the loved ones in your life. You deserve better than what they are giving you, you know. Stop seeking anything from either of them and forge your own path.

It will be hard, but you'll gain your life back.

HissyByName Fri 19-Oct-12 17:02:00

Both of the above posters I know away from MN. I know their stories, their every day stuff. They know what they are talking about, they are awesome, brave, brilliant and wise.

Please hear us?

awana Fri 19-Oct-12 20:32:00

thanks - just got a call from the police saying they couldn't charge him cause he was 'defending himself against me' and feared for his life. He's such a liar - I just closed the computer, i didn't even slam it! I just wasnt aggressive towards him, please beleive me! At every step he's lying and twisting things to his benefit. they also can't charge him cos I took over 12 hrs to call them.

I just don't know what to do. Where can I turn to? I called SS and told them, I was afraid for my son as my husband was going to be released. they took my details and promised to call back once they had spoken to the police. When I spoke to the police just now, they hadn't even received a call from SS.
I guess late afternoon on a friday they;'re not going to do anything.

HotDAMNlifeisgood - You are right about the training that I've had. I've already been in a physically abusive relationship, and my whole family treat me like this all the time.

Please, can you tell me how to stop all the lies and manipulation and bullying? Even above the physical stuff, it's the mental stuff that is the worst. It's escalated for the past year now, and he's been manipulating the GP. i had to write a letter of complaint to them as I visted a GP and he refused to beleive me or to see me as unbeknownst to me he had seem my husband a couple of weeks earlier.

Even though I try to tell the truth it's as noone cares. I'm sorry if this is a bit over emotional, but i guess i'm really in panic mode and getting more afraid as I feel that he's got power over me once more, this time even worse as the people I thought I could turn to - family, police aren't able to help me.

HissyByName - Really looking forward to the safe and happy futures you guys have found smile . now to get through this...

MySonIsMyWorld Fri 19-Oct-12 20:52:18

You and your son deserve better. GET OUT YOU WILL MANAGE YOU HAVE TO!

Snazzyspookyandscary Fri 19-Oct-12 21:00:39

Your mother is useless and in fact actively harmful. Don't bother asking her for help again. What friends do you have? Could you stay with one of them even for a few days? Also, the house situation is relevant - you need to find other housing. I would ring Women's Aid again and tell them the latest developments and how desperate you are. Your H won't have rung them already and they will have encountered his sort many times before. Even if you can't or don't want to take the refuge route straight away, they will be able to advise you on your rights. And we believe you.

Alambil Fri 19-Oct-12 21:12:44

Ring Women's Aid or your local IDVA - council run domestic violence support. They will tell you how to leave safely.

EACH and EVERY time your partner does something to you, ring the police. Ask for their DV unit. Do it sooner than you did this time and they HAVE to help.

Social Services will be acting on your case, don't think they're ignoring it.

Do you have a Surestart Centre near you? They can also help.

Keep posting - there are many of us here who've been through the abuse you're in now. We're out the other end - there IS an end, when you leave / get free of him. There is a better life.

Look in to doing the Freedom Programme too - they'll help you see the patterns of abuse and things you've learned and help you to un-learn them.

Most of all, if your partner kicks off when he comes back, call 999 straight away.

Alambil Fri 19-Oct-12 21:14:10

Tell school too - or DS will... it's best to be upfront and they can help support DS

HissyByName Fri 19-Oct-12 21:54:07

I agree with LewisFan, call the police every single time, call your Doctor, call WA, ask them for advice.

You have to be strong, stronger than you have ever been, but believe me, the hardest thing is to take the decision to end it. Once you have made up your mind it really is easier than you think.

There are a couple of threads on here were posters have ended long term abusive relationships in the last week or so and are seeing dramatic improvements in themselves in a matter of days.

You too, if you take the decision today, to end this toxic relationship, will see real tangible improvements in your life this time next week.

The Police will want to help you, the SS will want to help you, the School, the Drs, WA, and all of us. Lean on everyone and anyone you can.

Bear in mind that this IS the most dangerous part of the whole thing, so make sure you stay safe, but you can and you must do this.

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