Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Think he's had enough

(23 Posts)
Itstoolate Thu 18-Oct-12 22:56:33

I think my partner has ''checked out'' of our relationship.

Im going to admit it, im hard work, in fact ive turned into my mother. Im not affectionate, im not a smiley, life and soul of the party type person, i think my partner just thinks im miserable because quite frankly i feel like ive lost my identity.

When me and my partner met i was a drinker and loved nothing more than a night down the pub singing bad kareoke, i was big into football (we supported the same team, it what bonded us) i worked full time and like to think i was quite popular at work, i chatted to everyone and always had plenty to say.

Got pregnant and lost my job, have been unemployed ever since (5 years now) recently had another baby.

I feel trapped at home every day, i have 2 good friends but both live an hour away, work full time and i dont see much of them.

I feel like my personality has dissapeared, ive become very shy, i havent drank for 3 years, havent watched the footie for that long either, dont see many people through the day to chat to and just feel generally bored with life.

My partner IS the life and soul of the party, he's very loud, he's friends with everyone, is popular, likes a good time, and i feel like i probably dont interest him much anymore because im not the same person i was when we first met, all i have to talk about these days is the kids and stuff ive read on Mumsnet.

My partner makes all the effort in our relationship, he's the one that will come over and hug and kiss me, he's the one who will offer an olive branch after a argument, he's the one who cracks jokes and has stories to tell, he's the one who will make a move in the bedroom....

But recently he's started commenting on how i never go and give him a hug or a kiss, he comments about how much ive changed since having the kids, i feel like ive cheated him somehow, that maybe my past was all a front and this is who i really am, or ive just lost myself due to isolation?

And now, he's stopped making so much effort, i dont blame him, i wouldnt either if i never got spontanious affection in return, he must feel like i dont love/fancy him, but he couldnt be more wrong, i love him to pieces and fancy the pants off him, i just dont know how to be an affectionate person sad

Im thinking that maybe if i went out and got a job then id start to get ''myself back'' baby is 8 months old and i know some people finish maternity leave once baby is 6 months. Im just scared, ive got so used to staying indoors that the thought ofworking and interacting with people scares the shit out of me, but i think this could be the solution, what do you ladies think? Get out of my comfort zone and (try to) get a job, or wait until babys older and i can sort this out myself?

Sorry if this posts all over the place, im just scared that DP has had enough of me and my ways and will leave sad

Itstoolate Thu 18-Oct-12 23:20:20

Anyone have any opinions?

chipsandmushypeas Thu 18-Oct-12 23:23:28

Could baby go to nursery/nanny even a couple of times a week so you could find part time work? Sounds like you really need to interact with adults other than your dh

SleeveOfWizard Thu 18-Oct-12 23:28:14

Marking place with interest. Someone will be along soon.

Dahlen Thu 18-Oct-12 23:28:31

You've answered your own question. smile You need to rebuild your life. Losing your sense of identity is pretty normal for many mothers, especially if the sort of lifestyle you had before isn't compatible with small children.

Is your DP supportive? Will he care for the kids without complaint so that you can have time to yourself to do the things you want to do - whether that's revisiting your interest in football and the pub, or something new entirely. If you're not yet ready for work (and bearing in mind the economic climate), learning a new skill and retraining in some way could be an ideal way to boost your confidence and give you something to talk about.

Those early years, where your identity is subsumed by young children, do pass eventually. The fact you're thinking about it shows you'll be coming out of it soon with a little effort on your part. Then things will hopefully improve in your relationship as well. But make sure your DP understands that these children are the responsibility of both of you. If your life has changed beyond all recognition and his hasn't, then perhaps that's indicative of the fact that he should be doing more to allow you to rediscover your sense of self.

mrsfuzzy Thu 18-Oct-12 23:28:46

you have got into a bad rut, but i think that you can work this out, you are an ex drinker, that is fantastic so well done, you've lost touch with your partner but is that surprising yu must be tired with looking after a young baby let aloe trying to look after yourself and relationship. perhaps you could show your other half what you have written here, he doesn't know how you feel if you don't tell him, you sound tired abit bored and abit depressed with life, have a chat with your gp as well, before you worry about going out try to get yourself in a happier place with yourself and partner, could you arrange date nights when you can get the children looked after over night so you have the house to yourselves? rekindle the romance i bet if you make that first move a cuddle perhaps how knows where it will lead? surprise him and surprise yourself, you are a mum but you are still a woman and your partners lover, you can do this but you need to share your feelings with him. i wish you luck and hope it works out for you.

ATourchOfInsanity Thu 18-Oct-12 23:30:52

Do you do any baby groups? I have met loads of mums that way.
I think you really need to start something where you meet adults. I felt the same as you not so long ago. Have a pamper day. Maybe a weekend without the kids, just you and DP?

mrsmplus3 Thu 18-Oct-12 23:31:39

Op you sound very sensible. I think you're going to be ok. You know what you need to do - get yourself back! And you've taken the first step by recognising and admitting that- even if its only on here. Next step tell your dp everything you've just said here. If he's supportive then brilliant. If not, do it anyway! smile
Get yourself a job, even part time. As long as baby is well looked after by a good, trustworthy family member or a great nursery. Do little things every day that make you happy: reading, listening music while you sort the washing, walking...
And be nice to your dp. Get an m&s £10 meal for you both over the weekend when kids in bed - and TALK!
Hope this helps. Good luck smile

Jazzerjax50 Thu 18-Oct-12 23:31:48

:-((( But isn't this fairly typical of what happens to most relationships, whether married or live-in partners, after a baby enters the mix?? Life changes almost unrecognisably for the woman as all her energy has to go into looking after and protecting the baby, whereas life for the man outside the home carries on pretty much as normal........

I'm not qualified in any way to give you any advice on this but.......try and set aside at least one night a week where you make time purely for each other. Get someone you trust to look after your children and go out and have some fun together. If you do you might manage to rekindle what you had, if you don't you definitely won't and sooner or later he will find another woman who will.....

I'm sure many others will have their own opinons and advice for you but really it's a matter of priority. Although your children will always have to be the main priority, let your man know he's also important in your life for things other than bill-paying and doing me, he'll really appreciate it. Good luck :-)))))

ATourchOfInsanity Thu 18-Oct-12 23:33:53

FWIW I struggled to find conversation with a hairdresser today. A hairdresser. Small talk is practically their JOB. I just kept on responding with something about DD. Drove me crazy internally. Ended up hiding behind Vogue and wondering how the fashion in there hasn't changed since the 80's

Itstoolate Thu 18-Oct-12 23:35:08

Chips - Im hoping that id be able to put him in a creche, it would cost a bit because we are quite rural so would have to travel to work and take that into account when putting him into childcare (i rely on buses at the minute but im taking my driving test beginning of December, which should make life a bit easier if i pass) But to be honest, i wouldnt even really be working for the money, id be working for the adult interaction, and to be more than just mum/housewife.

I just want the old me back sad before my partner really just thinks ''sod this life'' and leaves, i think im totally dependant on him emotionally and its not fair on him, he's put up with me being this way for a long time now and i dont want him to get sick of me, i want to be the person he fell in love with.

izzywizzyisbizzy Thu 18-Oct-12 23:38:34

never mind getting a job, can you get a sitter and go to footie, even to pub to watch footie (I was a long time season ticket holder before DCs), even if its just for 2 hours so you can get out, I also agree re date night when kids are asleep, we drown in DCs but I always make an effort to spend "time" with DH, its too easy to lose yourself.

mrsfuzzy Thu 18-Oct-12 23:38:37

itstoolate its not too late to sort this out!

Itstoolate Thu 18-Oct-12 23:45:22

I think i had a glimmer of hope today when one of my neighbours mentioned that her lovely daughter was doing childcare at collage and would love some experience by doing a bit of babysitting (we also have an almost 5 year old)

My partner is supportive, he helps with the kids but its not always easy for him as he works shifts, he's helped me get through my driving lessons, even put me on his insurance so i can practice in his car.

His life has changed, he used to be a real party animal, out every weekend all weekend, now he only goes out on the odd occasion, visits a friend who moved to the north east occasionally, he has lots of friends from work too who invite him to stuff

I dont really go to baby groups, i went a couple of times and found them to be so cliquey, not one person spoke to me, not even the organizers, so i gave up with that.

Im thinking of going to an exercise class i seen advertised, i could do with losing a few pounds, and it would give me an hour to myself once a week.

Touchofinsanity - i know that feeling all too well, i struggle to make small talk with anyone, its like i have nothing to say anymore - i used to be so chatty too sad

Itstoolate Thu 18-Oct-12 23:46:37

Thank you for all your lovely replies too everyone smile

Itstoolate Thu 18-Oct-12 23:52:42

We're hoping if our neighbour daughter can babysit then we can maybe get out more together as a couple, we used to love going to the cinema or for meals, we dont get to do those things much these days

ledkr Thu 18-Oct-12 23:57:12

This is almost my story was chief party girl and football watcher am now tired overweight moody mum. Just this week though we have brought the fun back, both had a week off work went shopping, pictures,watched crap tv swimming with kids and a few other things. I feel reborn and dh and I are all loved up again. I know life will still be less than a honeymoon but this has taught me what a few changes can do.
Don't watch footy anymore cos I'm a Liverpool fan blush

blazingoreos Fri 19-Oct-12 00:00:31

Talk to him?

Show him this thread maybe.

helpyourself Fri 19-Oct-12 00:01:38

Love is a verb.
If you feel he's checking out and want to salvage the relationship, be loving. Say nice things to him. Thank him for the kind things he does, like the car insurance. Sounds a bit Stepford wife, but if you do love him, show him.
Don't wait for a babysitter, ask him to bring a take away or cook something you both enjoy. I'm a big fan of boxed sets blush Unlike an evening out watching something over several nights can give you something to discuss and look forward to together.

mrsfuzzy Fri 19-Oct-12 08:56:49

ledkr, don't follow this thread follow man.u instead! seriously though toolate it's great news about your neighbour's news, hope it works out it sounds like a great solution, so give it a try, know what you mean about baby groups, i used to go and tried several but it can be abit off putting, i prefered to go out with friends and their babies. and don't worry about not being a party animal any more, its not always practical to be a party animal when you've got kids, but you definantly need time out with your partner, have you had that cuddle i prescribed yet ???

RandomUsername Fri 19-Oct-12 09:30:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pugless Fri 19-Oct-12 10:02:39

This sounds like im feeling at the minute. Different day same shit. My dp works hard comes home and has loads to tell me in return he gets nothing as i dont have anything to tell him as everydays the same for me. I used to take pride in my apperance now i could live in my pjs and uggs. I worry that hes going to bugger of with someone that i was. I need a good shake.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 19-Oct-12 10:24:12

OP this was me 20 odd years ago! It does get better I made the effort joined a few groups and organisations and got a door to door selling job that fitted round the kids.
I met loads of interesting people so I had loads to talk to DH about. Got involved in some local campaigns, and made some good friendships that have lasted down the years.
Good luck you have recognised the problem, so you are halfway there!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: