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After 18 years I'm finally ready to face the truth.

(24 Posts)
ShavingPrimateRyan Thu 18-Oct-12 20:38:17

When I was 6 I was sexually abused by my parent's friend. My mum had me when she was 17 my dad fucked off soon after and she married my step dad. I think they resented me and my brother for getting in the way of their youth.

They used to invite mates round to our house and get off their face on pills and sleep the whole of the next day. Me and my brother used to eat leftover pizza out of the bin because we were so hungry sad. I can't remember my parents not being stoned in my youth.

One night my parent's friend came into my bedroom and got into my bed. I dont remember much about what happened that night (I've blocked it out of my mind I think) but I remember after he fell asleep I stayed awake all night too scared to move incase he woke up. I slipped out of my bed in the morning and left him there and spent the day downstairs while all the adults slept off their hangover.

It's all come to a head recently, Ive been having financial issues and problems with my BIL (but that's a whole different story). I visited my mum recently as she was having a clear out of the loft and had a few bits of mine from my childhood. One of them was the nightie I was wearing the night it all happened, (it was my favourite but after it happened I never wore it again).

So this evening (husband out with friends after work) I put my kids to bed, went into my garden and burnt the fucking nightie. I feel like I'm cracking up, I just wanted it gone. I know it sounds stupid but I thought if I done that it would all go away. It hasn't.

I've never told a soul what I have just written, but yet now I find myself telling the hundreds of users on an Internet forum. I just don't know what to do and I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I can finally tell myself I've told someone (even though I guess this doesn't count).
Sorry for the long post.

ShavingPrimateRyan Thu 18-Oct-12 20:40:08

Sorry if I don't come back to this thread and post for a bit but I don't know if I will be able to pluck up the courage to come back and see responses. I know that sounds silly but I'm terrified.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Thu 18-Oct-12 20:46:22

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It shouldn't have done, and it's not fair that it did.

I'd like to offer you lots of virtual hugs - for the adult you are facing this memory, and the little girl you were then. xxx

Seabright Thu 18-Oct-12 20:47:01

I believe you. Do you feel able to call a Rape Crisis line? Talk more, if you feel able and if you feel it would help. Don't be afraid of talking to us

Jakadaal Thu 18-Oct-12 20:47:03

Just read your post and the first thing I thought is wow what a brave OP. Please don't be sorry for being terrified you have come to the right place. There are some wonderful wise people on here who will be able to offer support and wisdom. In the meantime I offer hugs x

Bumdrop Thu 18-Oct-12 20:53:59

Hello shaving, thank u for sharing your story.
I'm sorry there are shitheads in this world.
Please be kind to yourself, u deserve to x x

foolonthehill Thu 18-Oct-12 21:03:25

Very brave lady. For surviving, for sharing. I am sorry you weren't protected and cared for as a child. I am sorry you have had to deal with this alone for so long. Well done for facing the past. I hope now you can embrace your future and do whatever you need to to feel whole again.

NosFarlotu Thu 18-Oct-12 21:11:42

So sorry for everything you have gone through. DD is 6 and I am sad and angry that you were not protected and cherished as you deserved at that age. Wishing you healing and much happiness in your life from now on. thanks

kittybiscuits Thu 18-Oct-12 21:19:20

You're so brave for sharing this. So sorry that this happened to little you. I hope this will be the start of healing. xx

bumhead Thu 18-Oct-12 21:20:27

I have no adequate words but wanted to tell you what a brave woman you are.

chipsandmushypeas Thu 18-Oct-12 21:25:53

I'm so sorry, you are so brave. You have nothing to be ashamed of, we'll done for burning it, very understandable x

Hassled Thu 18-Oct-12 21:30:25

Of course this counts. You've told us, and that's an enormous step. You should be bloody proud of yourself.

I think your next step should be asking your GP if they can refer you to a counsellor. I really think that would help you.

AlreadyScone Thu 18-Oct-12 21:36:37

That was extremely brave of you and I believe you.

It is very frightening to let something out when you've held onto it for so long, it might almost feel as though you've lost control of it... but you haven't.

You've had a lot to deal with today; take your time, get lots of rest if you can, take shortcuts for a couple of days with the kids, and if it feels right, talk to someone.

waltermittymissus Thu 18-Oct-12 21:39:33

You are so brave and strong. Do you think you could speak to Rape Crisis to maybe take steps to dealing with this?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You shouldn't have to deal with this. xx

Sioda Thu 18-Oct-12 21:59:22

Oh my God shaving that's horrific!! Am in tears thinking about what that poor scared little girl went through. If I could go back in time I'd rescue you, and beat the crap out of that excuse for a human who hurt you. Good for you burning that nightie. You were symbolically taking back control. I really hope you find good help to get you through this, you deserve it.

ShavingPrimateRyan Thu 18-Oct-12 22:19:48

What is rape crisis? I will google it but I dont think I could explain what happened to me on the phone to someone (it's different just typing it out).

waltermittymissus Thu 18-Oct-12 22:32:44

It's a support network for victims of sexual abuse Shaving and they are very well trained.

But if it's easier for you to continue to type for the time being then that's what you do. Whatever makes you comfortable.

There are ALWAYS people here to support and listen, even just to read whatever is on your mind. Most importantly, there are people here who have sadly had similar attacks and will understand the rollercoaster of emotions.

Remember; it's ok to feel whatever you're feeling. What happened to you was WRONG and you can deal with it however you want.

Wecanfixit Thu 18-Oct-12 23:13:24

Shaving you are one brave lady , please be kind to yourself, but honey there is helo out there not matter how long ago it happened, I have experience of a family memeber in same situation, they bottled it up for 25 years then bang they snapped as did you, BUT on a positive note they went to rape crisis got counselling they were in a terrible place , had to give up work, through time and support they picked the pieces up and have returned to work , slowly they are managing to cope with their past, I only wish you all the best and big hugs to you.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Thu 18-Oct-12 23:18:05

I believe you.

What you have done here counts

We are all real people on the end of a keyboard who have heard you

if you never do anything more with this awful knowledge you have, hold onto this

izzywizzyisbizzy Thu 18-Oct-12 23:21:25

I believe you, as well as Rape Crisis there are often local charities who specialise in supporting survivors of abuse who can be wonderful.

I am so sorry this happened to you and I want to tell you now, you did nothing wrong, you were a baby, the person who did this to you, your mum and step dad, they were wrong.

Take care and be kind to yourself for a while, its emotionally draining and tiring to let these things out.

OneMoreGo Thu 18-Oct-12 23:25:47

I believe you too. So sorry that happened to you, sweetheart sad You deserved better from your parents as a child in terms of protection and love. You are brave for posting here.

thetrackisback Thu 18-Oct-12 23:30:21

well done you have taken the first step and disclosed. You have been given kindness and support. You can get this in rl. I think an organisation called NAPAC will be able to help you. (National association for people abused in childhood.) please please ring them they are experts in this and will have heard your story and know exactly what to do. I feel for you and believe you. X

izzywizzyisbizzy Thu 18-Oct-12 23:31:22

There is a forum called "Pandoras" as well.

Darkesteyes Thu 18-Oct-12 23:39:53

Im so sorry to hear you have been through this OP. You deserved better. Please contact Rape Crisis or NAPAC as others have suggested.
I beleive you xx

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