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We didn't know we had a sister.

(12 Posts)
smearedinfood Thu 18-Oct-12 19:42:32

I have not seen my father since i was 10. I don't really want to go there, just giving you some background.

My cousin who is into family history suggested a friend on Facebook.

An ex boyfriend used to work in a govt job in my home country a long time ago and worked in the child support section. I asked him at the
time to look sneak a peak at my father. I found out that he was making payment for another daughter, I found out her name.

So when my cousin suggested this person on facebook I accepted and I asked her phrasing it as I know this is a strange question but what is your fathers name?

She responded with my father's name and we both said that we were curious about each other. She's 23 and had no idea of me or my older brother until today so is in shock.

I remember her mother and it's not fond memories but I haven't gone there with her.

I would like to know about people who might have been in a similar position and for any advice someone might offer going forward...

Thanks

Birdsgottafly Thu 18-Oct-12 20:02:46

I found out that i had two more step grandchildren two years ago, they were brought up in Foster Care.

I am supporting my SGD, she is 17.

Her two siblings were brought upby her maternal GM and partly by her birth mother.

My SGD cannot seperate her feelings about her birth mother and her sister.

She carries the same bitterness and anger for her sister as she does towards older birth relatives, who knew about her.

That is what is stopping any chance of a relationship between them.

It is important that you see each other as innocents in this and remember that family loyalties run deep, towards your respective birth mothers.

izzywizzyisbizzy Thu 18-Oct-12 20:07:58

This is coming for my DCs - and I don't know what to do - their older half sibling has done something dreadful and their other one lied to protect him.

They are too tiny to understand and they miss them so much but it's the way things have to be.

I don't want them to have a shock like this when they are older - so Im really interested in what to do for the best.

Birdsgottafly Thu 18-Oct-12 20:15:46

My SDG was allowed to read her files held by SS when she was 14 and i think that was the wrong decision, as she tracked down birth relatives (mine by marriage) who promised her the Earth and her Foster placement broke down because of it.

She was in my DD's school, but under a different surname (even though she was born in Wales).

I had struggled to keep the truth about some family members from my children, as they are dangerous and love to set up/watch other people self-destruct.

It is so difficult to get the balance right during the teen years and to watch your children be hurt.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 18-Oct-12 22:54:25

I found out two and a half years ago that I had twin half-sisters nine years older than me that my mum gave up for adoption. They were a product of a holiday romance.

It's been a bit of a journey. It was very hard knowing that both my parents kept this a secret all my life (39 when I found out). Mum only 'fessed up because they contacted her.

But it's been great. They are lovely and absolutely feel like my sisters. We love each other and there are loads of family resemblances. Makes me realise I have more of my mum in me than I thought, makes me realise how strong nature is compared with nurture. One of them in particular (and ironically she looks more like her father than like our mum, and I look more like my father than I do our mum, while her twin is the spitting image of mum - they are not identical obviously) is soooo like me it's unbelievable. We have the same mannerisms, posture, quirks. When we first met, she was wearing the top I had in my bag to wear the next day - and it was an unusual one.

It's been great. I have learned so much about myself. I always felt a bit of the odd one out, emotionally incontinent while my family are all reserved. But my new sisters are much more similar to me. They even like getting pissed, when no one else in my family does! And they 'get' me and have been really supportive during recent troubles I've had.

It's not easy, but it can be very rewarding. Keep an open mind, and be gentle - with your sister and yourself. Expect to feel insecure sometimes, because it can make you question who you really are. But if you approach it with tact, generosity and kindness, it may be a wonderful thing.

Good luck x

MoelFammau Fri 19-Oct-12 00:42:47

I found out I had a half brother and sister when I was 26. It was a surprise but somehow not a shock. I'd love to meet them but am not sure how to trigger off a meeting.

smearedinfood Fri 19-Oct-12 07:45:20

Thank you tired! That's helpful and reassuring. So far I've found that we are very fond of cats and she is living currently living in the same town I grew up in and we've completed the same degree.

CallMeTuddles Fri 19-Oct-12 07:57:50

In may this year my dad (left when I was 18 mo) tried to add me on Facebook so I looked at his profile and he had 2 younger daughters.

So I let him message me and have been in contact since ( not really fond of him, can't get past the fact that he left his wife and baby for another woman, who happens to be my sisters mum) but I love my sisters to bits, it's not their fault our dad is an arsehole and has since done it to their mum.

I was surprised but not in a bad way, I can't imagine not having them in my life now. They live in Lincolnshire and I in London so don't see eachother often, but we make the effort, it's my birthday in a couple of weeks and they're coming down for the day so will be nice.

The only downside is that little sisters are harder to be a bug sister to than little brother. I'm sure my brother didn't ask me the things that they do blush

I'm 21 by the way, they're 16 and 14 and look like smaller versions of me (its quite scary sometimes, especially as they talk and are a bit ditzy like me too)

smearedinfood Fri 19-Oct-12 09:56:54

Hi Tuddles

Thank you!

How did the first meeting go? Was it weird?

CallMeTuddles Fri 19-Oct-12 11:36:44

That's fine. It was weird as hell but after 5 minutes we were all jabbering like insane monkeys and now we're all normal (well that's a matter of opinion) around eachother, because they're young they sit on me and play fight etc as if we've known eachother our whole lives.

HTH

izzywizzyisbizzy Fri 19-Oct-12 17:06:59

This terrifies me, I hope my DCs never speak to their siblings, argh!!!

I still don't know what to do, it makes me smile to read the happy reunion tales though, and makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing, its such a difficult situation.

StripyMagicDragon Fri 19-Oct-12 18:33:20

I discovered I had an older brother and sister (from my fathers previous relationship) while I was pregnant. Due to issues regarding our father their mother had cut all contact and my father never told my mother.
It was hard for us as they wanted to know about our father and I only have negative stories and memories. I think they wanted him to be a good man, but he's not, as they discovered for themselves.
After I had my dd, we met up again and talked through my experiences and their feelings about what had come to light. None of us will ever speak to our father but are now close to each other and our children all love meeting up. Im happy at how it's turned out. It was a shock and hard emotionally for us all, but it's made us closer.

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