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stag do strippers - AIBU?

(164 Posts)
SadSheila Thu 18-Oct-12 18:18:21

Sorry if this is long, I just don't want to drip feed.

We moved to Australia about a year ago when DH's company relocated him. It's a short term move (a couple of years) and although it's been hard with 2 young DCs and I've given up a lot (family, friends, job, car, my own money etc.) I was happy to try it out for the experience and for the benefit of DH's career. It does mean that I've got pretty much no support other than DH and I've lost a great deal of independence from him.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DC3 and at the stage where I feel pretty vulnerable. I'm huge and I feel horribly unattractive at the moment. A couple of months ago DH went away on a stag do. A group of his friends rented a house for the weekend and did the usual things like paintballing and playing poker. It was hard for me being on my own with the kids all weekend, we were all ill and didn't really sleep. I let DH know this, he was sympathetic at the time but later said whenever he goes away I waste no time in telling him what a nightmare it is for me.

Anyway a few weeks ago I found out from a friend that during that stag do they had hired strippers to come round to the house and serve drinks and deal cards whilst topless. I think they also put on a show involving the stag. I felt quite hurt by this. I thought perhaps they'd been to a strip club but felt silly for asking, but there's something much more intimate about having topless, beautiful young women serving you drinks etc. When I asked DH about it he said he'd kept it quiet because he knew in my pregnant state it would upset me and because I hadn't had an easy weekend, so it was the last thing I wanted to hear. He was genuinely surprised that I was upset by it, to him it was just harmless stag do fun.

While I was in the dark about the strippers, I agreed to DH going another stag do (that's he's currently on) and it turns out exactly the same thing is going to happen. If I had known I would have said "no" because of how awful I was going to feel about it. It's a lot for me to be completely on my own with the DCs for 4 days whilst heavily pregnant, but knowing that he's going to be in presence of perfect naked women is just making me feel really sad. I sat in the bath this evening and just sobbed. Before I had DH's kids I had a body to be proud of and a career and a life, now I feel all washed up and spat out if that makes sense? That being said the DCs are my life and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Am I over-reacting due to hormones/feeling really unattractive? Do I need to get a grip?

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. It's 4am here and the DCs will up soon so I'm going to try to sleep.

AThingInYourLife Thu 18-Oct-12 18:21:12

You are totally reliant on a sleazy woman-hating creep for everything.

No, YANBU.

SadSheila Thu 18-Oct-12 18:27:22

The thing is, he wasn't going to go on this one because I'm heavily pregnant and had already pulled out, I encouraged him to go because we're both invited to the wedding! sad

LynetteScavo Thu 18-Oct-12 18:27:32

I am going to hugely generalsze here, but IME, Australian men are somewhat behind British men on things such as strippers. I'm not defending your DH, but I can see how he's got sucked into this.

I'm not bloody surprised you were sat in the bath crying.

Your DH has some making up to do to make you feel special.

Malificence Thu 18-Oct-12 18:28:14

I find the whole stag do culture thing so very weird and inappropriate, I can't get my head around why a man would want to celebrate his upcoming marriage by interacting with naked women, who are there purely for sexual titillation.
You are not interacting, what he's done and is planning to do again would be a marriage ending event for many women.
Tell him NO and explain why, it's an utterly vile thing to do and he already knows your feelings and is minimising them.
Behaviour like this isn't "harmless stag do fun", it's utterly abhorrent to anyone with a working moral compass and even an ounce of emotional maturity.

Malificence Thu 18-Oct-12 18:29:31

Should have read - You are not over-reacting.

AThingInYourLife Thu 18-Oct-12 18:31:52

So he let you encourage him to go without disclosing that he and his friends would be abusing women all weekend, like last time?

Even though he knew how much it upset you?

You've been had, my friend. He was only pretending to pull out.

ToothGah Thu 18-Oct-12 18:38:48

My DP knows that a visit to a strip club, whether on his stag or not, would result in him being single.

YANBU. You poor thing sad

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 18-Oct-12 18:50:46

When I asked DH about it he said he'd kept it quiet because he knew in my pregnant state it would upset me and because I hadn't had an easy weekend, so it was the last thing I wanted to hear. He was genuinely surprised that I was upset by it, to him it was just harmless stag do fun.

He is contradicting himself - he didn't tell you cos it would upset you and yet at the same time he's surprised you are upset hmm

I would tell him that if he respects the pregnant mother of his beautiful DCs and his marriage then he wouldn't dream of going at all.

He is being a selfish creep and his attitudes towards women stink - not a decent father, role model or husband. I wouldn't be surprised if you do all the shit work at home and that he has far more child free leisure time than you do. It does not sound like an equal marriage sad

I would be very wary as men like him are vulnerable to cheating....

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Thu 18-Oct-12 19:02:36

you feel "quite hurt" by this ?

I would be absolutely fucking steaming, and my husband would be finding some where else to live

I agree with the poster who said you've been had

about quite a few things

that your husband is a good bloke, someone worth moving to the other side of the world for

that he isn't an abuser of young women

that he has any respect for you at all

book your plane ticket, and come home to your family

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Thu 18-Oct-12 19:04:17

and I am really sorry love, but if you were my RL friend I would be saying "fool me once, it's your fault...fool me twice I have only myself to blame"

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 18-Oct-12 19:11:11

Just for this alone, he later said whenever he goes away I waste no time in telling him what a nightmare it is for me, think you deserve a nice 5 day stay child free at a spa with a female friend before much longer.

For the wedding you'll want to look your absolute best won't you so hang the expense, hairdresser round to you and a beautiful outfit for the day, new shoes new bag.

I hope this isn't the tip of the marital iceberg and he is a hands on dad the rest of the time but if not you have some big thinking to do. sad I know now when you feel at your most vulnerable you have to focus on your physical well-being but in spite of the huge efforts you've made to carve a new life across the world, he is majorly taking the piss.

janelikesjam Thu 18-Oct-12 19:16:36

its a shot in the dark here, but is it more about feeling unloved and unnappreciated by your partner here, rather than strippers per se? For some men, I guess, topless strippers are no big deal. Are there other things going on for in your situation?

Nevertheless I find it very sad that you are sobbing in the bath sad. And I want to add, personally I do not think pregnant women are unnattractive. On the contrary, I think they are sometimes very beautiful, so please do not assume that about yourself ...

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Thu 18-Oct-12 19:21:28

"new shoes new bag"

fuck that

don't anaesthetize yourself with shiny new baubles, it will fuck your self esteem up even more

for some men, topless strippers are no big deal ?

why is what they think the crux here ? it's what Op thinks.

Malificence Thu 18-Oct-12 19:26:38

HE is the one making you feel worthless and unattractive by his behaviour-Does he tell you how beautiful you are while you are carrying his child, does he make you feel special and cherished?
Decent men don't fuck off for stag weekends , leaving their pregnant wife to care for the children, decent men don't lie by omission , decent men who like women ( as equals, not just as sexual objects) don't pay for naked women to "serve" them.
This is the second worst "stripper" thread I've ever seen on here. sad

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 18-Oct-12 19:28:17

You're right, HHMF, save the money in an escape fund instead, OP, just don't shut yourself away feeling unattractive compared to topless "perfect" young women.

SadSheila Thu 18-Oct-12 19:28:36

Can't sleep, thanks for the replies.

I thought that too, if it's so harmless why not tell me about it?

He is a hands on dad, I can't fault him for that. Up until just before we came here I was working and everything to do with the house and DCs was split 50-50 but now I'm SAHM I do most of the housework. I have hardly any child-free leisure time, but my social circle here is non-existant compared to home.

I don't know what to do now.

SadSheila Thu 18-Oct-12 19:32:17

Thanks, I need to hear all this, I can't really talk to anyone in RL. He does tell me I'm beautiful a lot, but talk is cheap isn't it.

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 18-Oct-12 19:33:25

Even if it's meant to be only a 2 year contract away that's still a long time to be unhappy.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Thu 18-Oct-12 19:34:35

Come home

that is what I would do

he is embracing Aussie culture very well, isn't he ?

leave him to it

stuffitunderthebed Thu 18-Oct-12 19:35:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArterialSpurtMonkey Thu 18-Oct-12 19:36:42

Agree with hhmf as usual, 'have a spa day' is such bollocks. He is disrespecting you, and disrespecting women in general. This is proper grim. What an absolute creep. Come home lovely, before you're too pg to fly. You are NOT over reacting.

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 18-Oct-12 19:37:02

Think he's there already stuffit...

stuffitunderthebed Thu 18-Oct-12 19:39:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabblingWreckSimianBrain Thu 18-Oct-12 19:44:24

Oh I feel so sorry for you. And I'm not sure this is just an Aussie thing either. About 15 years ago my BF at the time was involved in something similar. Went round to someone's house before they all went out on a stag night, these two strippers turned up, but it didn't just stop at the women having no tops on. They were prostitutes rather than strippers. Then BF didn't tell me about this at the time, I found out a few months later from one of the other men's wives. The women were all told that the strippers just stripped and gave the stag a lapdance of sorts. As time passed we found out it had gone much further than that and all the men present had got a BJ..
I had no idea that stuff like this went on in people's houses. I just always assumed that if he hadn't been to a strip club nothing untoward had happened. I was lucky, I wasn't married to the 'man' in question. I dumped him immediately.
The fact that he's doing all this while you are at home pregnant with his child is so disrespectful

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