I am trapped

[lulu6867]

I think I want to leave my husband but I am trapped here and don't know what to do. I work for him and years of criticism have made me think that I can do nothing right and would have no chance of getting a job anywhere else. He is not a really bad man just completely devoid of any emotion, he treats me like an employee and a shit one at that. I am not the best wife I will admit I do spend too much money and I do get very over emotional about silly things I suppose. But I think I am ready to leave him but don't know what to do for the best I am truly stuck with him I think as any job I look at won't pay me enough to live alone. I have asked him to go to marriage counselling but so far he has refused I am hoping he will be willing to have a talk tonight and I can get him to come along with me to see someone. I think it is such a shame we cannot get along now our kids have grown up surely this should be the best time of our lives now? I don't really have any friends to talk to he has been my only friend for so many years and deep down I will be lost without him but he is becoming quite impossible to live with and I don't want to end up hating him. He doesn't really do bad things he just says things I am saying are stupid and he says any of my friends I do make are horrible and he doesn't see why I am friends with them, it is hard to have a life outside of him as he is not interested in what I am doing and will make it perfectly plain that he doesn't want me to be doing it. He is a real hardworking man and I do respect him for that but he thinks that is all I need and it isn't, the older I get the more emotional I seem to get and I want something more from him, a bit of respect wouldn't go amiss I can tell you but I need to feel like I am not pulling teeth all the time when we are together. This all sounds so bad, we do have some really fun times but that is usually doing something he wants to do. If I suggest we do something he will say ok I will go but don't run away with the idea that I want to I am just going to shut you up. Sort of puts a damper on the whole day really, but he doesn't think there is anything wrong saying that. Am I trapped or is there a way out?

[izzyizin]

There is a way out. It's called the front door and you walk through it and close it firmly behind you having first packed up lock stock and barrel and sent your possessions on ahead of you.

Your h is a overbearing arse whose continual criticism and belittiling of you has ground you down. The dc have grown and now it's time for you to start living life to please yourself.

As your first step to liberation, down tools and stop pandering to your h. Go on strike at home and pull a long sickie at work. Take to your bed or the sofa with lots of books/dvds/Belgian chocs/fine wine and order in whatever meals for one you fancy.

When you feel fully rested and refreshed book yourself a spa day, get your hair styled, update your wardrobe, and take yourself off out regularly to do things that you want to do without reference to him.

Don't even think about joint counselling - it's not recommended in cases where one spouse is emotionally or otherwise an abusive arse and, should he deign to agree to accompany you, your h will simply use the sessions to further subjugate you.

What your h needs is the mahoosive kick up the jacksie you should have administered years ago. Give him one for every year he's crushed your spirit - and then give him another on behalf of oppressed women everywhere.

If he dares to complain, remind of what he's got to lose financially and every which way if you decide to divorce him for his unreasonable behaviour.

Seriously, honey, the only way to bring about any modification to the behaviour of men such as your h is to confound them head on and no holds barred.

[myroomisatip]

I could have written that! That is the story of my life.

Well, I found the courage to leave and you can too.

It took me years, I admit that, I wish I had found it sooner.

Like you, our kids are young adults now but my marriage was a bad example to them and they both have problems with their own personal relationships and I cant forgive myself for that :(

Go and see a solicitor and the CAB for starters, a little knowledge is very empowering.

[Serendipity30]

There are always options OP you just need to look for them. It can be daunting leaving a partner but you can do this. If you are that crap at your job, why is he still employing you then? He sounds full of crap.

Are there any friend in RL you could confide.
Do you have your own bank account so you can start saving money to leave.
Is it possible for you to see a counselor for yourself so you can start building up some self esteem.

You have raised children and worked so you sound pretty capable to me

[amillionyears]

Does he know you have been looking for another job?

[izzyizin]

I am hoping he will be willing to have a talk tonight That says it all, doesn't it?

What else has he got to do tonight that is more important than talking to his dw when she wants talk to him about their marriage? Watch the box? Listen to the radio? Play on his laptop?

If he's not 'willing' to talk to you, forget it and get on with planning the new you for your new life.

[GossipWitch]

"leave the bastard" (sure I've seen it somewhere before)

You can leave, you just need to build the courage to do so, whilst your doing that, can you squirrel away a bit of emergency cash?, for train fair and lodgings if needed, just until you can get on your feet, or ring womens aid see what they can do to help, you can do this, you really can, its just working up the courage for it :)

[KennethParcell]

I left too. I felt trapped. I had a choice though and I agonised over it for years and then I made it. There have been financial sacrifices but I do not regret it.

The amount you usually spend on clothes or whatever, squirrel it away until the time is right. You are not trapped.

[SirSugar]

You do realise that you spend too much money to try and make yourself feel better as your relationship is dire.

I think its time to take your half of the pot and find yourself.

Your H sounds like he's spent a lot of time making you feel shit, now is the time to stand up and refuse to listen to anymore of it.

Be warned though, I do think when you turn he will say all manner of sorrys, lets go to counselling, whatever you need dear, blah,blah,blah...do not be fooled as it will never last it will be an exercise in getting you back in his servitude. Just sit back and watch as an exercise in human psychology ( I for one would love to be a fly on the wall )

[NanaNina]

Well sorry I don't agree with all the posters advising you to leave (not that I think you shouldn't leave him,) but all through your post you are stating how bad it is but immediately after that you say something positive about him and it all goes around and becomes a circular argument.

I don't think you have a hope in hell of leaving him LuLu or you would have done so years ago. I think you just need to make small adjustments (like getting your own friends) regardless of what he thinks about them. He only says this because he doesn't want you to have a life of your own. Deep down he is very insecure I reckon and far more dependent on you than you realise.

[Hanikam]

I agree with nana nina, after many years , marriage does tend to become a habit and we fall into regular cycles of behaviour that in op's case can be very destructive.
Habits are hard to break and your dh seems to be perfectly happy with you as the subordinate. I think you need to "up the ante". Izzyizin recommended that you down tools and take care of yourself. Do stuff on your own and enjoy. I know it won't fix your relationship but it will help you to gain some valuable headspace

The situation you describe feels like a mirror of my future. Feel like a fraud giving advice when I don't follow it myself. Are you sure we aren't married to the same man?!

[lulu6867]

Thanks all of you for your posts, as an optimist I have chosen the last 2 to focus on really and try and take their advice. We have been married for 25 years and it cannot be that bad can it, I am just struggling with getting on and losing my children I think and after a long talk with my DH we have made lots of compromises but one big thing that came out of our talks was that it is up to me to stop him treating me like this and he says why do I let him be like that if I don't like it, and that is true really so I have made a pact with myself to man up a little bit and not be afraid of conflict, I must just say if he has pissed me off and let him deal with that at the time instead of bottling up my aggravation and then blowing it all out of proportion. He did agree that he is very stressed and a little depressed and he has agreed to get some help with that but he would not go to marriage counselling as he thinks we don't need it. It sort of came about that now we don't have such busy lives with the children and their issues to solve we are both looking for problems that maybe aren't really there. We have both agreed that we will make efforts to change what we perceive are our problems and see how we go from there. I thank you all for your posts and it is a great help to have a sounding board when I have problems as I am a very private person and would never discuss my fears and issues with a friend or family member.

[mayihaveaboxofchoculaits]

I have been married almost as long as you,lulu, and its the belief, at the last hurdle,that,somehow,it will be alright.

Because, you dont feel supported to make changes-you still look to him to support ,when he obviously won't.

This is backtracking,and you know it. I live in this situation.
"i do get over emotional about silly things.." You are sabotaging yourself.
Stay married,leave, whatever, there is no immediate threat, except to your self worth.
Get an outside life, stop being at his beck and call, (I know that is really hard, beleive me,when you dont feel supported) . You say hes depressed, maybe you doing your own thing, irrespective of his sniping, might give him pause for thought.

[Offred]

Do you have to work for him? Wouldn't it be much better to look for another job if you are going to stay as this would likely vastly improve your feelings about yourself and him and reduce the stress on your relationship?

[amillionyears]

If you do decide to stay, I do think you need to try and work on a social life for yoursellf,with or without him.
Having him as your only friend,regardless of the state of your marriage,can never be a good thing,imo.