I have no idea where the right place to post this is. I guess it's about the relationship between me, my mother and my sister, so it is about relationships, but not about my relationship with my DH (that'd be a whole other thread if I ever get up the courage to face it.) This is very, very long. I apologize for the length, but couldn't think of a way to phrase it all without inlcluding the back-story. And I guess it's more a problem with a situation rather than a question, so that doesn't help with the length!
My sister is 24. She moved out when she was 19, got a job in a pub and lived in the flat above all free of charge. So she was earning full-time minimum wage, and only paying out for council tax (about £70 a month). Even then she would call my mother up begging her for money for food. She somehow got a credit card with a £3500 limit, and my parents have paid that off for her twice.
Fast forward a few years, and the pub shut down so my sister was being made homeless. She moved back in with my parents, who in the meantime had moved cities (say, they all used to live in Birmingham but now in Manchester). For the first few months my sister didn't work, but refused to claim JSA. So she just moped around the house cadging money off of my parents for everything. My mum got her a job a few months ago, working in an office, full-time at around minimum wage. So she is now earning about £900 a month. She refuses to pay any money to parents for board. She has usually run out of money 2 weeks after pay day. The only things she seems to spend her money on is alcohol and cigarettes. She doesn't do clothes shopping(when she moved back in with my parents my mum spent a week trying to get the stains out of her clothes and repairing all the rips. She even bought her work clothes as she had nothing even vaguely respectable.) so it really seems that all her money goes on alcohol and fags, although I cannot see how that's possible.
I am sure she has a problem with alcohol, she can't go a day without drinking. The other week I was up there visiting my parents with my DS, and she had 2 pints of cider before going out to work (she was working an afternoon/evening shift).
The thing is, my sister's attitude towards my parents is disgusting. She does nothing but scream at them and blame them for her "crap life". She goes out drinking every night and expects my dad to go and pick her up. FGS, he works full-time himself, he shouldn't have to go out at 3am every morning just to pick her up. On the very rare occasion that she gets a different lift home, if it's the weekend and my dad is still up, she will rage at him "What are you still doing up? You should be in bed by now! Great, now I can't do anything because you're still up."
My mother is retired and ends up driving her to and from work every day. It's only a 30 minute bus ride but my sister refuses. Mum says if she doesn't drive her then she just won't go to work, so she'll lose her job. If mum tries to have a conversation with her, she just screams at her.
The real problem is that my sister claims she's miserable and has no friends (so who are all those people in the photos up on FB laughing with you then?). She for some reason blames my parents for her not being in Birmingham any more. Any time my parents try to talk to her about sorting herself out, she just says "I can't do anything when all I can think about is throwing myself under a bus." So she has my parents over a barrel. They're scared to do or say anything to upset her in case she kills herself. Meanwhile she lives the life of bloody Riley, not caring about anybody but herself.
I've suggested to my parents that they give her an ultimatum - buck up your attitude, start paying board and lodgings and act like an actual grown-up. But they won't, because she just threatens to kill herself. I've suggested they just stop giving her lifts everywhere, but again, they're scared of the repercussions.
My mum is retired, and my dad is about to be. They cannot afford to support her any more. Over the last 5 years they have given her over £50k. Yes, really, we sat down with their bank accounts and worked it out. That was supposed to be their retirement, but it's gone. Additionally, they should be spending their retirement pottering about in the garden and playing with their grandchildren (my children), not tiptoeing around my sister, worrying about money and being so stressed by it all that it brings on migraines.
So please, please I am begging anybody who has read this far, please help. What is the way forward? Is there any advice? Or thoughts?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
My DSis and DM - v,v long but I'm begging you for some help as we're stuck.
BionicEmu · 18/10/2012 16:27
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.