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Need advice - who is BU here?

(28 Posts)
Onceortwice Thu 18-Oct-12 14:22:23

DH checks everything I write / text / message etc.,

His opinion is that I cannot be trusted.

Recent issue, sent friendly text to a workman (but when I say workman, I am refering to someone who has worked in our house FT for 9+ months, become a really good family friend, and text was in relation to childcare)

My POV: I am pissed off he checks everything I write or send and then we have the spanish inqusition about what I meant by it

His POV: I am pissed off that you think it's somehow a bigger issue that I have looked than the content of what I have found.

THe content is NOTHING. NOTHING. Other than it paints him in less than favourable light. There is NO suggestion (now confirmed by me, the workman in question plus all others involved) of anything EVER having gone on. DH is just naffed off that he has come out of this looking a bit shit (IMO rightly so)

SO, am I BU.? I really don't think so.

50shadesofmeh Thu 18-Oct-12 14:29:11

Depends what the text said.

Onceortwice Thu 18-Oct-12 14:44:00

Two texts (in this particular saga)

1. I will miss you when you have gone (Me to him)

(the context being they have been here since January and have become good friends, doing stuff like childcare and general household stuff - killing spiders etc)

2. Do you want me in the morning (him to me)

(the context being did I want him to come and look at my SN DS so I didn't have to take him (DS) on the school run as he was ill)

Both, I appreciate, easy to mis-interprete, but nothing in the whole text thread is untoward.

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 14:45:40

We need a transcript before judgement can be handed down.

So what did your text say about your dh? And is there any reason why you don't delete whatever you write/send afterwards?

cestlavielife Thu 18-Oct-12 14:46:47

why couldnt your h stay and look afer ds?

is your h friends with the workman too or just you?

Pancakeflipper Thu 18-Oct-12 14:48:51

Why does your DH not trust you?

It doesn't sound healthy to me, all that checking and questioning.

amverytired Thu 18-Oct-12 14:49:04

No question - your (d)h is BU because he 'checks everything you write/text/message'

You need to ask? It's horrible that he does that.
Izzy? Really? you think this might be ok

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly Thu 18-Oct-12 14:51:35

Why does your DH think you can't be trusted?

Did anything ever happen to make him think so?

If not he is BVVVVVVU.

(btw, if anyone ever checked my txts they would find lots like yours above - and I'm not having an affair, just a smutty sense of humour!)

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 14:52:26

X post... as you've said, easy to misinterpret by those with a particularly distrustful Carry On Workman/Housewife type mind but, unless there are considerably more of the same with 'darlings' and 'loves' and other endearments liberally scattered in the text, it seems your dh is being an arse.

Do you get to read his correspondence?

WinklyFriedChicken Thu 18-Oct-12 14:53:09

Really, how can there be any way that him checking your texts and emails is ok? That is so creepy and controlling.

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 14:56:44

Is it only this correspondence he's read and does the 'whole saga' amount to these 2 texts, or does he insist in prying examining your phone/email on a daily/nightly basis?

YellowTulips Thu 18-Oct-12 14:58:55

On face value he is is being totally overbearing and unreasonable. However have you given him any other reason to not trust you? That doesn't make his reaction ok, but it might make it understandable. Equally does this level of control manifest itself in other parts of your relationship?

garlicbaguette Thu 18-Oct-12 15:00:59


Erm, have you listened to Anna Larke's recording of Justin Lee Collins having a go at her for looking at people when they were out together?
Possible trigger warning: Daily Mail article, with links.

It is unreasonable to try and control another adult's interactions with people.

garlicbaguette Thu 18-Oct-12 15:03:27

YY, Tulips, if wanting to read messages is part of an agreed recovery process following an affair - different again. But I would have expected OP to say so if such were the case.

Also, she's implied her H took offence at the texts she quoted. Which is ridiculous and a bit scary.

DuelingFanjo Thu 18-Oct-12 15:05:14

I think it's really bizzare that anyone's spous would look at everything their partner does, unless there's some reason for it like past affairs.

CaseyShraeger Thu 18-Oct-12 15:11:10

Unless there is a significant prior history of infidelity on your part then he is being very very U.

Onceortwice Thu 18-Oct-12 15:15:08

I really can't be bothered to type out the entire text messages.

Suffice to say, there is nothing else my DH is worried about.

In fact, now he has spoken to both the workman, his borther and his dad (and his wife) I think we can all be clear there is NOTHING going on. Nor was there ever, nor was there ever any idea of anything.

No, I do not think there is anytthing than could suggest anything other than utter committment to our relationship. We have two young children, one with SN who is with me FT, I have no family backup support etc., I never go out, do anything without the children. There is not a second I'm not accounted for.

He on the other hand, is out (second time this week). When I asked where he was I was told 'does it matter?' I dont' think he is up to anything, I am just questioning the whole power balance in our relationship.

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 15:21:21

As well you should!! And I hope you'll conclude that he is so far out of order that, if he doesn't curb his controlling and intrusive ways immediately, is for you to kick him to the far side of fuck.

Jeez, what is the point of him? Don't you think you'd be best off on your own?

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 15:22:00

the only option is for you to kick him etc etc

pushitreallgood Thu 18-Oct-12 15:41:16

ummmm no i dont think your husband should be reading your texts, or emails or anything. what's going on though, dont know about you but i dont send texts like that to builders or even very close friends. yeah out of context and all but it sounds like you may be having an emotional affair with this guy. not judging really if your husband isn't there for you and not helping with kids and you never get out or free time i can understand how a man thats around and friendly and helpful etc would be nice to talk to, but i think you are on dangerous ground here.

HipHopOpotomus Thu 18-Oct-12 15:44:36

*"DH checks everything I write / text / message etc.,
His opinion is that I cannot be trusted."*

My opinion is this is dreadful and in no way acceptable behaviour. Your H is being VERY unreasonable.

Countered with him being very sparing with the fact of his own behaviour/activities outside of the home, i am surprised you aren't questioning your relationship further. i.e. he seems to be controlling you, and then doing what he want with vague or no information shared. Why do you think this is?

It sounds to me like he is perhaps projecting his own dodgy behaviour onto your actions.

garlicbaguette Thu 18-Oct-12 16:15:31

he has spoken to the workman, his brother, his dad and his wife

You mean he spoke to all these people in order to check you were telling the truth? That's very abnormal behaviour.

I have no family backup support etc, I never go out, do anything without the children.

Oh dear, that's tough. How did you come to be so isolated?

There is not a second I'm not accounted for. He on the other hand, is out ... I am questioning the power balance in our relationship.

Wisely so; it seems the power is very unbalanced in his favour. He gets all the freedoms, you get all the constraints?

DH checks everything I write / text / message etc.

Yes, this is controlling.

I think you are underestimating the extent of the weirdness you're living in sad

Mayisout Thu 18-Oct-12 16:31:04

I wouldn't write ' I will miss you when you are gone' to a workman. I've had a lot of workman over the years, I might say 'it'll be quiet round here on my own' or something but your comment can be misconstrued imo.

Mayisout Thu 18-Oct-12 16:33:18

Should expand on that comment - I've had alot of workman working on my old creaky house over the years (and as often as not they are back not too much later to fix something else).

Onceortwice Thu 18-Oct-12 19:21:31

May - I would normally agree with you.

But this is someone who has been in the house full time since the start of the year, is the brother of a good family friend, brother in law to one of my good local friends, His niece (my friend's little girl) and my DS were in the same class and best friends. She came round for breakfast.

I suppose I just didn't see them as 'workmen' but as friends who happened to be working in my house.

I will agree that this particular friend was very helpful talking to my about my DS (who has SN) starting school. But, not in an emotional affair sort of way. Just a friend. Just as sensible PoV. absolutely nothing more.

Ironically, the comment about me missing them, we'd had a lovely conversation about DH and I having been together for so long. I was actually feeling really very happy with DH.

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