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My university years were ruined by men

(9 Posts)
Iodine Thu 18-Oct-12 12:28:26

I know blaming other people for my unhappiness is a bad thing to do, happiness comes from within and all that, but I really do feel that my depression at uni stemmed from a couple of people.

I lived in a flat of 14 people. Most were foreign and spent all their time with people of the same culture. If we tried to join in when they were in our living room they would leave.

There was a boy who lived opposite me who I tried to be friends with as we were often the only people around for a chat. He got very jealous that I was seeing another man at uni. Started spreading rumours around the flat and making me feel cheap and dirty. Things fizzled out with the man and I think the guy across the hall started seeing me as fair game.

By day he was friendly, by night he would get drunk and send me texts and notes under my door telling me he loved me. It got to the point where if I knew he was going out drinking I would hide. He would try to get into my room, rattling the door handle and muttering things under his breath. I would wake up worrying that I had left my door open in the night.

One day I went into his room to ask to use his computer as mine was broken. I sat on the edge of the chair tapping away and he slid in behind me, wrapped his arms around me and started grabbing at me. I struggled and shouted to let me go but he didn't. I had to fight him off.

When I moved out to a house I thought things were over but now I had someone else after me . This boy did not understand how to socialise. We all tried to help him as he was posting up suicidal facebook statuses. He took my help (a couple of messages offering to listen) as something else and stared to stalk me.

He would never say anything by day, just be lurking all the time. By night he would post up poetry-like statuses of how much he loved a girl, how he wanted to marry her and how life would be perfect. He revealed to a close friend (who knew me) that it was me he was talking about.

I had a boyfriend by now but that didn't stop him I couldn't go an hour at home without some bilge about him being a knight on a white horse being put up. I should have deleted him but I thought it was best to know and plan my defence.

It got to the point where his ramblings were so insane that I told my flatmates "if I go missing, please check his house first".

I have never told people the extent of this and I do think it contributed to me feeling shit at uni. I just wanted to write it down and hear what people think.

FlorentinePogen Thu 18-Oct-12 12:32:18

Sexual harrassment bordering on sexual assault, no ? Why the hell did you not report this to Uni. or police ?

Iodine Thu 18-Oct-12 12:35:29

Florentine- I really don't know. I'm sat here wondering that, I feel like a different person to then.

In uni halls the guy had bullied me so much into thinking that I was cheap that I didn't think it was harrassment and assualt. I had no one I could confide in.

porcamiseria Thu 18-Oct-12 13:20:29

how very sad

I had a different uni issue, in that I slept around and allowed people to use me and make me feel cheap- but made me feel shit for years

I only share that it goes to show the combination of youth, lack of self esteem and being away from home can cause issues

i think you need to somehow complete with this episode, and move on

that sounds easy ! haha, but you need to to, you are older, wiser and stronger I hope now?

but you need to do something to ackowldge how shit it was, then let it go

Iodine Thu 18-Oct-12 14:11:47

Porcamiseria, it's horrible isn't it? I wish they'd warn sixth formers about how vulnerable you can be at university.

I am a much stronger person now, unrecognisable when I think about those first two years. I am having counselling at the moment for something else and this came up and thinking back about it really upset me.

I am going to write it all down in a diary and lock it away. And then list all the reasons why I am stronger now. It's nice to have people say that I am not overreacting.

olgaga Thu 18-Oct-12 15:12:15

You are definitely not over-reacting. Unfortunately these memories have a habit of staying with you. You are doing the right thing in getting counselling now - I was so unhappy for decades about things that happened to me when I was young, and wish I could have got help sooner.

Are you having CBT counselling? If so this is a very good book:

I found CBT was useful initially but for me it wasn't a lasting solution. If you don't manage to resolve the issue through counselling, I would urge you to see your GP. Anti-depressants helped me immensely. It's so nice to just live a normal life now without my mind constantly dwelling on awful memories and regrets.

olgaga Thu 18-Oct-12 15:12:48

Sorry, link didn't work first time...

Abitwobblynow Thu 18-Oct-12 18:38:58

it is not talked about enough what a huge transition university is. It comes with a lot of stress, and adolescents typically blame themselves instead of realising that actually those feelings are normal.

I try to warn as many young people as I can, gently reassure them that they will find it quite a shock at first, and that it is normal.

The only people who seem to take to it like ducks to water, are the public school boarding kids.

ErikNorseman Thu 18-Oct-12 19:28:10

Why the hell did you not report this

Most unhelpful post ever. The op was victimised and abused and doesn't need to be judged for reacting 'wrongly'
Op I'm sorry this happened to you. Hopefully you are a stronger and more confident woman now.

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