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Just dont know what to do

(30 Posts)
RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 10:47:01

I think i should leave my partner but i just cant bare to not be with him. Im so lost and confused.

We've been together 7 years and have 2 kids (we're not married) I dont trust him, i never have (with good reason) and i dont think i ever will.

He cheated on me very early on. We broke up but he begged me to take him back, we worked on things then i found out he had a secret phone to carry on contact with his OW. We broke up again and i met somebody else.

When things didnt work out with the other person i started talking to my now partner again, and because i was absolutely besotted with him i took him back. We went on to have our 2 children and moved in together.

7 years down the line and i just cant carry on, i just cant trust him. He goes out once a month to play cards with his friends and i know deep down that he is where he says he is, but i still get paranoid.

When he goes to the gym i know deep down that thats exactly where he is, but again i have all kinds going through my head.

Its almost like i do trust him but dont want to if that even makes sense.

We had a huge row on monday about the trust issue, he says he's sick to death of me not trusting him when he's spent the last 6 years proving to me that he is trustworthy, that when all that carry on with OW was going on he was just young and stupid (he was 23) and now he's grown up, has kids to think of and loves me more than ever.

He's a great dad to our kids, they absolutely dote on him and he dotes on them, he often surprises me with weekends away, showers me with attention and affection, always tells me im beautiful etc

But he can also have a real attitude problem, if i say something he doesnt like he will simply tell me to fuck off and walk out of the room.

Once in a row he told me i was boring and miserable, another time (just after our oldest was born) he told me (whilst very drunk) during a row that "its a good job you had that baby coz you'd have nothing else" the next day he said he was ashamed of himself for saying it.

In other words he's the nicest guy in the world until you cross him then he's a real arsehole.

Not saying im a saint though, i can give as good as i get.

Last couple of weeks ive just got the feeling he doesnt want to be here, he's been snappy and rude, dismissing me when i speak to him and accusing me of always moaning at him.

He announced on tuesday that he's going to see his family down south at the weekend and staying the night at his nans, but im not invited because i just whinge that i dont like sitting in other peoples houses all day (i admit, i am like that) and i dont think he's taking any of the kids, when i probed further about the kids he snapped saying i was interrogating him and didnt speak to me for the rest of the day!

Yesterday he left his phone on the side so i had a look and all his calls and texts had been deleted.

Im on the verge of losing it and telling him to leave but i cant bare the thought of us not being together, if he got somebody else it would kill me, if he had more kids it would devestae me that those kids got their dad full time but my kids didnt.

I donr know what to do

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 18-Oct-12 11:26:54

Oh dear sad

Looks like things were swept under the carpet when he cheated and he never addressed his issues that led to the cheating. This is probably why you have struggled to trust him again.

I think you are right to be very worried now - the distance, grumpiness, deleting of calls/texts etc plus the weekend away without inviting you along are all huge red flags.

You can't stop him from cheating or leaving for someone else - only he can control his own actions.

You can change how you deal with it though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Oct-12 11:28:26

Imagine a life where you got up in the morning and went to bed at night never once having wondered if someone had been lying to you, telling you you were boring and miserable, destroying your self-esteem and telling you to fuck off if you dare contradict or challenge him? How relaxing and enjoyable would life be without that terrible doubt and suspicion going on 24/7? Will he really be down south staying at his nans at the weekend or is he spending the night with the person whose calls and texts he deleted? ... that's what you're wondering now.

I'd suggest you spend some proper time apart from each other and away from his influence while you work out exactly what it is you want from a partner. Trust is not something you can summon up if you don't genuinely feel it. No-one can make you trust them. Even if you trusted him, the rest of his behaviour sounds utterly appalling. Sorry.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 18-Oct-12 11:32:13

I suggest telling him that you have had enough of his shit attitude, you are no longer willing to take it and for him to stay at his nans for the foreseeable future.

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 11:45:56

if he got somebody else it would kill me Please disabuse yourself of the notion that you'd die simply because this man, or any other man you were involved with for that matter, found someone else and left you high and dry.

You'd most probably feel like shit while obsessing over him for a while, but you WILL NOT DIE and you'd do what millions of women who've been cheated on and abandoned do - you'd get on with raising your dc and living your life.

Jealousy and possessiveness are not good looks. Nor is clinging to a man's ankles while begging him not to leave.

If a man's intent on cheating, he's going to cheat and, short of tying him up and stashing him in a dungeon, there's not a damn thing you can do about it and you're best advised to stop questioning him and resolve to deal with it if/when it happens.

Before he departs for his weekend down south, coolly, calmly, and factually, - that means no tears, no anger, no rancour - tell him to have a good time but not to come back if he's been with an ow because your dc deserve to have an honest man as their role model.

And then vent here...

RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 11:50:55

Thanks for the replies.

He blames the grumpiness on the fact that he was ill (he had a cold!) And took a couple of days off work, frankly he's a pain in the arse when he's got man flu.

The distance, well i suppose thats my fault for always "moaning" on monday he had come in from work and id moaned about something, tuesday he came him fron work and i quizzed him about his trip, he says he comes in from work happy and wanting to spend some time with me while the kids are at school and i just end up putting him in a bad mood.

The trip to his nans, he's right i wouldnt be that keen on going down and sitting in somebody elses house all day, he claims he was going to take one of the kids with him anyway to see her and his uncle/cousins etc and it was me asking which child he was planning on taking that made him say i was interrogating (he said he didnt know, i asked again, he said "ive just told you i dont know")

He did say "your more than welcome to come but i cant afford a hotel so we'd have to stay with my nan" he made this offer after already telling me he wasnt going to take me, i told him no thanks, he'd made it clear he didnt want me there.

spookiesackhouse Thu 18-Oct-12 11:54:38

The phone thing. Massive red flag.

You don't trust him and if I was you I would listen to your instincts.

I am someone who didn't and really wish I had.

RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 11:56:34

Thank you izzy. Saying i would die is an exageration of course, but i would be absolutely devestated.

I wont be clinging to his ankles or anything, to be honest i tend to get mad before i get upset so would probably tell him to fuck off if he wanted to leave, the tears would come later if that makes sense.

As for his weekend away, well he's a grown man so i cant stop him, and i wouldnt try to, although i did make a sarcastic comment about him going to see a tourist attraction down there that he knows ive wanted to go and see, his reply was "i know you wanted to go there, but i want to see my family and you just rush me because you dont feel comfortable sitting in other peoples houses all day"

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Oct-12 11:58:34

How is asking someone about their trip 'moaning'? How is asking which child is going on a visit 'interrogating'? hmm He deliberately made it impossible for you to join him on a family weekend..... so are you actually part of the family or not? You're taking his excuses and blaming yourself for good measure. Can't you see how you're being manipulated and made to feel guilty for doing normal things, asking normal questions and expecting to be treated with some respect?

Everyone gets colds... everyone gets grumpy.... but no decent man worth a candle would ever react if i say something he doesnt like he will simply tell me to fuck off and walk out of the room. Not your fault at all.

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 12:01:59

What's the big deal about sitting in other people's houses all day? I love being out of reach of all those innumerable cobwebs sights that make me feel I should be knocking myself out doing housework or other boring chores.

RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 12:06:24

Do you think he should have discussed it with me in the first place, instead of just annoincing he was going, i wouldnt just turn to him and say "im fucking off for the weekend and you can stay home with the kids" id discuss it with him first.

He says i create problems where there isnt a problem.

When he comes in from work, if i sat him down and tried to talk to him like adults he would say something along the lines of "not this again, ive just got in, you always have to start" or he'd dismiss what im saying with his hand, wave me off if you know what i mean - and im not kidding.

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 12:07:02

If I had someone 'moaning' at me as soon I got home and generally being distrustful of me, I'd be capable of telling them to fuck off can it and taking myself into another room or out of the house until I'd recovered my equilibrium.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Oct-12 12:11:27

Yes of course he should have discussed it. Announcing is very arrogant and means the other person's opinion is irrelevant. Talking to someone when they get in from work is also a normal adult pastime. Obviously, if you want to have a particularly serious/controversial conversation it might be an idea to give someone time to relax with a cup of tea before getting started, but otherwise what kind of anti-social person wants to come home to their family and sit in total silence? hmm Waving you away with his hand??? FFS he's not Lord of the Manor.

I worry that your definition of 'normal' is very badly skewed after six years of this man's influence. Normal adults in a loving relationship treat each other with respect and consideration. They consult and discuss. They talk politely and respectfully to each other, even when there's a disagreement. They do not accuse each other of 'starting' or tell each other to fuck off just because they don't like the way the conversation is going. That's bullying behaviour and it's not on.

RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 12:11:29

Izzy, i know, i understand where he's coming from with that, but asking which child he's taking to his nans isnt moaning in my book, its a question and he hates when i always ask questions, says he feels liks im always getting at him

RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 12:13:57

Cogito, your right, i have no idea what normal is, because of his attitude and because of the way my own parents where.

Im just sick of being dismissed like my opinion doesnt matter, i dont feel equal.

50shadesofmeh Thu 18-Oct-12 12:16:14

So let me get this straight , you give him hell over something he did over 7 years ago before you had kids despite him giving you no reason to mistrust him now. Negativity just eats away at a relationship and no wonder he is hostile to you when faced with the bad atmosphere all the time.
You need to decide if you are going to move on and forget all the past mistakes and make a go of things for the future. If you continue torturing him there's the possibility he will turn around and leave as its hard to love someone who constantly makes you feel guilty and bad about yourself.

50shadesofmeh Thu 18-Oct-12 12:18:53

His behaviour isn't great either but you have both learned how to be negative to each other and you need to break the cycle and maybe enjoy each others company again, sometimes it can't be done though.

RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 12:49:07

I want to break that cycle, but for that to happen id need to talk to him and tell him that i dont like how things are, the way we speak to eachother etc and he'd probably just see it as me wanting to get on his case and cause arguments.

Maybe i should write him a bloody letter, he cant argue with a piece of paper

50shadesofmeh Thu 18-Oct-12 12:50:42

Yeah it's a bit of a vicious circle as you don't want to have a heart to heart with someone who is hostile to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Oct-12 12:58:43

"you give him hell over something he did over 7 years ago before you had kids "

What has the passage of time or the absence of children got to do with this??? Didn't you read it? He screwed around, begged her to come back and then had a special phone for his OW. The OP's mistake was taking him back... no wonder she's never trusted him since.

RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 13:05:45

It was a mistake taking him back, i never should have, but i cant think like that, because if id never taken him back i wouldnt have my 2 beautiful children.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 18-Oct-12 13:09:31

You need time apart OP, it's the only way to break a cycle like this.

RandomUsername Thu 18-Oct-12 13:26:14

I should add, a couple of years ago we had some time apart, he actually moved out, we where still together and our relationship had never been better, we didnt argue and this is the weird part... i really truly trusted him, even though he wasnt here as much i truly trusted him.

Then he moved back in and it was ok for a while, then it went downhill again.

Maybe we just cant live together

50shadesofmeh Thu 18-Oct-12 13:29:36

To go forward after something like that it needs to be put in the past to have any chance of things surviving dredging things up years down the line is a recipe for things going down the pan.

50shadesofmeh Thu 18-Oct-12 13:34:12

So you either split up or you move forward. Although the fact you have lasted 7 years together and two kids probably means you did move past it for a while, has something else changed recently do you think ?

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