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am I giving DH a rough time becuase of what he did or pregnancy hormones?

(55 Posts)
borninnotts Thu 18-Oct-12 08:37:01

DH & I relocated three years ago leaving my friends and family. Business is doing well but I have been stabbed in the back by so called "new friends" so am looking to sell up and move back home. I went on DH's fb account & he was messaging a 21 cleaner that cleans at his place of work, mainly normal flirty stuff but one message he sent to her has stuck at the back of my throat - he said "do you like it rough then"??!! In response to a message from her. Well, I have flown off the handle big time as being 24 weeks pregnant am feeling very vunrable. He has previously messaged/met girls off of a dating site that we met on but I thought we got past all that until we moved here where he become friendly with one of our clients (a girl) and she nearly ruined our relationship by playing us off against each other (he fell for it, I didn't) + told everyone else they were sleeping together (don't believe this for a second). So, my problem is he shouldn't be messaging other girls unless they are mutual friends but he doesn't see what he did as an issue. We are not having sex atm as we have wanted this baby for 10 years and he thinks he is going to hurt her. So am I being a hormonal cowbag?

lisaro Thu 18-Oct-12 08:42:11

Err no, he's a waste of space. Why would you want a child with such a cheating Tosser?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Oct-12 08:42:31

Not really. From that pencil sketch, he's got a track record of flirty messaging (which is not normal, I'm sorry) which you think you've 'got past' but which clearly has never subsided. Unless she was totally loco, the girl who nearly ruined your relationship must have been given enough reasons - via yet more flirty messages? - that there was more to it than being friendly.

If he doesn't see it as an issue, I think he's taking the piss.

EleanorBloodBathsket Thu 18-Oct-12 08:44:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 18-Oct-12 08:45:59

Wow, he's done a number on you where you think this behaviour is normal/acceptable. Frankly, I'd take my pregnant tummy & get well away from him... leave him to his seedy dating/flirting/cheating life. You can bet your life he's screwing around and using the baby as an excuse. Sorry sad

borninnotts Thu 18-Oct-12 08:48:42

i don't believe he slept with her as she is everything he dislikes in a woman, 5 kids by different men, never worked a day in her life, rough looking and tattoos on every part of her body but he did see her as a close friend. she lied about having cancer and i saw straight though this but he stood by her until someone told me she was spreading round they were sleeping together.

Pagwatch Thu 18-Oct-12 08:50:49

I can't begin to imagine what I would do if dh was sending flirty messages including "do you like it rough then"
He doesn't show you any respect IMO. This behaviour is not acceptable. I am not sure why you think it's ok.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Oct-12 08:56:46

If he learned nothing from the experience of Waynetta Slob misinterpreting his definition of 'close friend' it just makes him bloody stupid as well as disrespectful.

borninnotts Thu 18-Oct-12 09:04:18

i have to agree, he is bloody stupid!!!! i don't want to split up but the trust isn't there, doesn't seem to matter what they look like when it comes to flirting.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 18-Oct-12 09:05:06

My ex is now married to everything he professed to hate in a woman.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 18-Oct-12 09:06:52

or shagging.

Men cheat because they want the ego boost so it does not matter what they look like.

he will never be faithful and he knows you will let him get away with it. There is no trust either.

jkklpu Thu 18-Oct-12 09:08:34

Sorry, what is "normal flirty stuff" in messages when one party is in a relationship?

FoxtrotFoxtrotScarier Thu 18-Oct-12 09:09:19

Run like the wind.

I may be misinterpreting your post, but you say that you think he should only be messaging mutual friends. Would you be ok with him asking mutual friends if they like it rough? It's not who he's messaging but what he's saying that is the issue, surely!

You say there's no trust and he obviously doesn't respect you so it seems like the two foundations of the relationship are missing. Does he even see what he is doing as wrong? It's massively disrespectful at the very least!

My DH often has to have things spelled out to him as he can't understand why his behaviour is so bad. Have you tried to explain, in words of one syllable, why what he is doing affects you so much? If he listens there may be a chance you can work together to improve things.

Pagwatch Thu 18-Oct-12 09:10:37

I think the fact thathe doesn't even see it as a problem is the nub of it.

Why do you think that is? Is it because you let it go when he met girls off a dating site before?

borninnotts Thu 18-Oct-12 09:11:39

so do guys see sending messages to a girl 15 years my senior wrong? they were just innuendos really but some was chitchat about daily stuff. she is in a relationship with one of dhs work friends.

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 09:14:40

So the earlier ow is everything he dislikes in a woman but he saw her as a 'close friend' and maintained this 'friendship' and 'stood by her' until you were told by a third party that the ow was telling others that she was having sex with your dh?

Now he's sending 'normal flirty' texts to a cleaner at his at his place of work and has asked her "do you like it rough then".

It seems to me that in common parlance your dh likes a bit of it rough and, given you've said the earlier ow was a 'client', he has no boundaries takes every opportunity to mix business with his pleasure.

Hormonal, honey? I suspect your problem is that you are too trusting by considerably more than half. The time to kick your dh into orbit touch is long overdue nigh and I suggest you get tested for stis as a matter of urgency.

defineme Thu 18-Oct-12 09:15:00

It's not normal.

My dh has never been on facebook, wouldn't flirt with anybody, wouldn't become friends with a disturbed women who makes up stuff: I'm not grateful for this because it's normal behaviour-mature people don't do any of the above.

puds11 Thu 18-Oct-12 09:16:12

You have said he has behaved inappropriately in the past, he obviously knows he can get away with it, so will continue to do it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 18-Oct-12 09:16:20

Your H has form for doing this type of nonsense re messaging women and he has not changed. Why don't you want to split from this man, what is holding you back?. Fear of being a single parent?.

What do you get out of this relationship with your H now?.

No trust - no relationship.

Pagwatch Thu 18-Oct-12 09:17:59

My dh wouldn't be sending innuendos to another woman because he isn't a slimeball.
There is no 'normal flirty stuff' with people who are not your partner in private messages.
Especially not when it has previously ended up as dates.

izzyizin Thu 18-Oct-12 09:22:34

Unless you have agreed to an open marriage, it seems that your cheating 'd' h doesn't appear to believe that other women are off limits to him.

THE choice is simple: you can sit him down and redefine the boundary line and keep your fingers crossed he'll stay within 'normal' parameters or kick him out over it.

pictish Thu 18-Oct-12 09:24:55

"NOrmal flirty stuff"
You have been conned into thinking that sending flirty messages is normal and to be expected.
It isn't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Oct-12 09:27:08

"just innuendos really"

In some relationships where there is a lot of trust and openness it is possible for each party to be able to flirt and swap innuendos with other people and it may not do any harm. But you're describing a man you can't trust, has no boundaries, has a history of leading women on (at best) and ... final nail in the coffin.... doesn't even understand why you'd find it offensive. If you're doubting yourself, that says it all really.

Lougle Thu 18-Oct-12 09:27:17 DH would never, ever, message a woman about anything sexual. At all. He has no eyes for other women.

borninnotts Thu 18-Oct-12 09:33:38

thing is, i was a very messed up girl wheni met him after h1 cheated on me when my ds was 6 weeks old so i did sleep with another man 10 years ago so i have done wrong. he had forgiven me & as he says he hasn't gone as far as i have. before i slept with om dh had met another girl for lunch and was mailing her complaimenting her legs & saying if he wasn't with me ect. this cause me to start5 suffering panic attacks.

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