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its not all black and white

(45 Posts)
Gillyt75 Wed 17-Oct-12 17:07:49

i have been with my partner for 3 yrs. we both left previous marriages to be together. (both marriages were dysfunctional)after a year we had had a son and i found out around the same time he had been unfaithful. I forgave this and we def moved on. we have now had our second child. my partner is well off and has a good Job. i have a good job but nothing else. i have taken extended leave to look after our babies. Money was always a sore point with me as i was the main earner in my marriage and im mot used to being a kept woman.
anyway onto the problem.
my ex and i handed the keys to our house back to the mortgage company and luckily were able to walk away. as we are both broke we are using the DIY Divorce route.
stupidly in the heat of a moment i told my partner we had money coming to us from the house ( i dunno why i said it) and i told him we were using a solicitor for our divorce. now he wants to meet the solicitor as he thinks because im being vague that the solicitor is trying to con me. i know i need to come clean but im not sure how. i really need another opinion please.

PickledFanjoCat Wed 17-Oct-12 17:09:46

This all sounds very strange op, why would you tell your ex there was money in the house?

It there wasn't, there wasn't. He can't have what was never there.

I think you will have to explain a bit?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Oct-12 17:16:22

I can't see any way of avoiding the truth but don't understand why you lied about the house/money either.

blazingoreos Wed 17-Oct-12 17:16:50

OK so you have lied to him?

You have two options. You either come clean and explain the truth or you try and come up with something plausible as to why you lied.

blazingoreos Wed 17-Oct-12 17:17:37

You must have an idea why you said it? Was it to save face or because you didn't want him to know how skint you were?

izzyizin Wed 17-Oct-12 17:30:13

Is there more to this than you've let on in your OP?

stupidly in the heat of a moment i told my partner we had money coming to us from the house Would that 'heat of the moment' have come about due a row about money?

Is your partner 'allowing' you to be a 'kept woman' in the expectation that he will be repaid when the money you've told him is due to you arrives? Have you been racking up debts on the strength of this fictitious sum?

Was telling your partner a solicitor is handling your divorce a ploy to delay the day of reckoning, or are you intending to claim that legal fees have swallowed all or the majority of your eventual nonsettlement?

PickledFanjoCat Wed 17-Oct-12 17:32:27


Your current partner!

There sounds more to this. Why do you feel you had to tell him that?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Wed 17-Oct-12 17:37:45

I don't understand confused

Gillyt75 Wed 17-Oct-12 17:38:04

why did i lie about the money? because he was disapproving that my ex and I went down the voluntary reposession route. I felt i was saving face by saying this. i know it was stupid of course i do.
im going to tell him tonight. i just feel sick and dont know how im going to do it.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Wed 17-Oct-12 17:42:02

Just tell him what you have told us.

blazingoreos Wed 17-Oct-12 17:43:18

Yes, just spit it out. It's all you can do as I don't think there is a way round it otherwise. Say you felt like he would judge you or be disapproving and that it's weighed on your mind.

Gillyt75 Wed 17-Oct-12 17:43:24

true. god i feel sick about it. sad I only hope he can forgive me for lying. would u forgive this?

NotWilliamBoyd Wed 17-Oct-12 17:45:03

You've forgiven him for being unfaithful.

PickledFanjoCat Wed 17-Oct-12 17:45:17

Tell him why you did it. Has the money been allocated or spent?

Don't forget, you forgave him for an affair!

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Wed 17-Oct-12 17:45:37

Why do you think he might not ?

izzyizin Wed 17-Oct-12 17:53:50

Is he divorced? If so, did he walk away with a pot of money from the sale of his former marital home? If not, is he expecting to be quids in at some point?

Do either/both of you have dc from your marriages?

izzyizin Wed 17-Oct-12 17:58:51

For some reason I don't like the sound of your current partner, Gilly. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that, unlike Jimmy Goldsmith, he didn't wait to marry his mistress before filling the vacancy.

Are you financially dependent on him? Is money an issue between you?

Gillyt75 Wed 17-Oct-12 17:59:42

his divirce is happening at the momnet. he had no dependants i had 2. he is using a solicitor and going through a course of mediation as his wife is looking a larger settlement. he wasnt expecting to be quids inor anything like that. i think he will have a big issue with me lying to him no matter that i had a reason. hes very black and white sometimes.
If he was to go on about lying etc would it be permissable to mention his affair?
or is that throwing it in his face and unfair?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Wed 17-Oct-12 18:05:35

personally, I wouldn't mention that you forgave his affair, so he should STFU about your indiscretions

it's really not the same thing

if you are frightened of simply coming clean and admitting to lying because you felt it looked better in his eyes, then you have a problem

I am uncomfortable with why you did it in the first place, tbh

it smacks of appeasing behaviour, as does your apparent terror at revealing all sad

what are you frightened of?

Gillyt75 Wed 17-Oct-12 18:11:00

What am I frightened off? Im frightened of him leaving. i do love him. i dont want to be on my own with 4 children. i know it sounds like appeasement behaviour. ur prob right. it all seems so pathetic now.

izzyizin Wed 17-Oct-12 18:11:23

hes very black and white sometimes Is that a euphemism for 'likes his own way' aka 'controlling'?

If he was to go on about lying etc would it be permissable to mention his affair If he bangs on about you lying it would be permissable to mention it citing pot calling kettle black, but it'd be a bit of a stretch to use his infidelity to justify your lies.

However, on the basis of all's fair in love and war, that's not to say it's not worth a try if you get into one of those everything including the kitchen sink debacles.

It seems you left your dc to set up home and create a new family with this man. Is he worth it?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Wed 17-Oct-12 18:12:38

If he leaves you because of this, you are better off without him

I am really sorry, I wish I could give you a hug, you sound petrified.

This isn't healthy, you know that right ?

mutny Wed 17-Oct-12 18:21:23

Honestly you must know this is not a healthy relationship. You both lie, he cheats, you both left marriages to be together.

I would not throw anything back at him. You said it has been dealt with. However I would remind him that forgivness for mistakes (not named mistakes) is part of a relationship.

But honestly do you thing this is a good relationship? Or are you staying together because you feel you have to, since you both left marriages and don't want lose face?
This is one reason these relationships fail. Added pressure that it HAS to work to justify what you did.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 17-Oct-12 18:24:12

If you really have forgiven the affair and moved on, I wouldn't raise it now just because you are feeling defensive. You will just rake it up again and it's not really the issue is it? It's just a stick to beat him with if you feel cornered.

That's not to say he wasn't a twat for having an affair - he was. But I think it's dangerous to muddy the waters. If you have moved on, you can't try to put him on the back foot about it. You did lie to him and you have to deal with that.

Feel sorry for you though, you sound like he doesn't make you feel secure sad

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 17-Oct-12 18:24:55

x-posted with mutny

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