I've been stupid and now am about to become childish

[not16anymore]

Sorry if this is TMI.

New boyfriend (first after leaving abusive marriage in Dec last year)....all going well. He is kind, wonderful, gentle, respectful etc etc etc.

I'd been nagging him to get an STI test for a while and we'd been religiously using condoms for the firs few weeks of our relationship. He hasn't had many sexual partners at all, but had had unprotected sex once.

One evening we were a bit drunk and had (really good!) unprotected sex. I got the morning after pill and we said we'd both go and get tested. I have since got tested and all is fine from my end. I have started taking the pill and we have continued to have sex without condoms.

There is of course a small risk he could have something and I want him to get tested to. He - without prompting from me - keeps saying he is going to do it, but keeps forgetting. It is starting to annoy me. I have told him so and he is apologetic and seems motivated to do something about it, but then doesn't. This has been going on for about 2 weeks.

I want to refuse to have sex again until he does it, but that seems childish - I shouldn't have to prompt him. We both take responsibility for being irresponsible (we are both more than old enough to know better) and I don't think I should have to give him a kick up the arse to do it.

What do you all think? I don't want to get cross again - he gets truly contrite and resolves to do it, but he is not doing it quick enough!

Other than this, he is almost perfect - I feel really lucky.

[not16anymore]

*tested too, not to.

[not16anymore]

Also - he is generally forgetful with other v important stuff, not that that's an excuse

[pumpkinsweetie]

Without being rude, you have already had unprotected sex with him a few times so if he does have something the chances are you will already have it.
If you think you are at risk now i would get re-tested.

[nonkybonk]

Hmm I'd prefer a more considerate and responsible partner, no matter how good the sex.

[PelvicFloorClenchReminder]

It's a bit late for him to get tested for your peace of mind if you haven't been using condoms; without wishing to sound too harsh it sounds like he just doesn't want to do it, and is now complacent. All the action can't be on your side - you got tested, you went on the pill - I'd be doubting him at this point.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Dont know why you think refusing to have unprotected sex is childish.

You really should have refused from the start. But whats done is done.

[not16anymore]

I know the chances are I'd have anything he had and I have been tested since we had unprotected sex and it was clear.

I did also forget to mention he did pick up a test for chlamydia and that was clear...but that was only because they were being handed out.

I can't find the correct level of annoyance, having been walked over for years.

[not16anymore]

I meant refusing to have protected sex too. I've made us use condoms again now.

[Onemoreforgoodmeasure]

Unprotected sex can lead to a form of cervical cancer - I recently had a bit of my cervix snipped off. I wish I'd known.

[not16anymore]

I know I should have refused from the start, but, as you say, I can't change that now.

[not16anymore]

Oh I know all the risks and they don't routinely test for the strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer :-(

[izzyizin]

Oh I know all the risks Is that why you take them?

Having had the all clear yourself, you continued to have unprotected sex with a man who may or may not have some form of sti(s)

You've been cross with him and you've presumably been nice to him, but he's yet to get himself tested.

How can posting here help you break this impasse?

[not16anymore]

I don't know really izzy. I know I've been really stupid at am almost more cross at myself for letting it continue. Of course I can't MAKE him do anything so I guess I am simply on here expressing my frustration and anger that he is not taking my (and his own) health seriously.

[springyhope]

I don't get how it's 'childish' to not have sex until he gets tested. But as you say, your radar is a bit up the spout re previous relationship. It is not childish to not want sex until he's tested. H'es probably in the 'stuff like that doesn't happen to people like us' camp. NOt good enough.

[not16anymore]

It's not good enough. I know it's taken me longer than it should but I am angry now - at him as much as me. I'm going to get tested again tomorrow morning and will ask that he is there too. If he's not there then I'll take it that he is not considerate enough to bother continuing seeing. I have already proved to myself I don't NEED to be in a relationship.

And yes, he is a bit 'we're too well educated and middle class and old for this to happen to us', which is utterly ridiculous.

[mutny]

I would refuse to have unprotected sex with him full stop. But that's me.

But honestly it seems weird to say no sex until you are tested when you have been having sex. Seems a little manipulative. Its a stance that's hard to take now.

Not sure what the solution is. I would be rethinking a relationship with a man that kept forgetting to do something that was so important to me and my health.

[not16anymore]

mutny, I suppose that is what I meant by childish....it does seem a bit manipulative! We have now agreed we will both go and get a full screen first thing tomorrow morning and I will be re-thinking the relationship if he for any reason does not come.

Yes I should have refused. Don't know what was wrong with me and, as I said before, am mightily cross at myself.

[not16anymore]

I'm a medical professional for goodness sake!

[PickledFanjoCat]

There is nothing childish about refusing to have unprotected sex until he gets tested as agreed...

[ErikNorseman]

It's hardly manipulative. You just tell him, bottom line, you regret taking the risks you have taken and are coming off the pill immediately (don't stop mid pack though) and he needs to understand you will be using condoms until you are both all clear. It's not obligatory to go condom free but if he wants to then he knows what to do.
Anecdotally speaking it seems common for men to be head in the sand about sexual health. I had a bf once who had never had one until he met me at 32!

[JustFabulous]

So why are you taking risks and what are you actually asking?

I don't buy the you've-taken-a-risk-so-too-late-now as that isn't how it works. If it was everyone would get pregnant the first time they did it without protection.

[OneMoreGo]

Isn't it the case that the HIV virus can take up to 6 months to show up on tests after having unprotected sex and contracting it? Or am I wrong on that one?

[not16anymore]

I've stopped taking the risks now - but it is of course rather too late! I am trying my best to rectify the situation now by making sure we do not have unprotected sex again and are both tested again, for everything.

I took the risks for so long because I was basically being stupid and giddy and silly - there are no excuses!

[not16anymore]

And yes OneMoreGo, you'd be right there.

[HissyByName]

Listen, if your last relationship was abusive, if you have not done SERIOUS work to put yourself back together again, Freedom Programme, counselling, you are still going to be thinking the same defective things about yourself, that you are not worth any better, that your opinion doesn't really matter and that HIS word trumps yours.

Your refusal to take your own sexual health seriously is worrying me intensely. You don't think you are worth waiting for. You ARE.

A real man wouldn't dream of putting you under any pressure, nor any risk at all until YOU are 100% comfortable, safe and at ease with him and the situation.

You need to do some work on your self esteem, confidence and assertiveness.

I hope I don't come over as overly harsh, but I too have been abused and know what a mess it makes us. Rushing to get back to normal and dating anyone that'll have us is the wrong way of doing things, we need to be in control of our personal lives.

(((HUG)))