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Is the grass ever really greener?

(17 Posts)
maisiebabe Tue 16-Oct-12 23:13:33

I've been wanting to separate for a long time now, several years, and now that it actually is going to happen.......I'm worried I'm making a huge mistake.
Have 3 young DCs and DP is a good man in many many ways. He does all the cooking, cleaning, shares child care, is v good about going me time alone but the reason for separating is that I feel there is a lack of anything in common apart from the DC and he's not a good communicator at all, or emotionally intelligent, the latter points he recognises. He doesn't want it to end.
Is the grass greener on the other side...?

izzyizin Tue 16-Oct-12 23:18:04

It may look greener from where you're standing, but once you get there it'll most probably be the same shade as the patch you're standing on now.

How come you married and had 3 dc with a man you have nothing in common with? Surely that was apparent to you before you tied the knot?

maisiebabe Tue 16-Oct-12 23:25:28

Fair enough question but I think it takes a long time to really get to know some one and by the time you've got kids and a routine etc etc and even though you know things aren't quite right you've started doing the ' good stuff outweighs the bad..' argument in your head and more time passes. Until you can bear no more...

Feckbox Tue 16-Oct-12 23:28:09

Maisie, what made you actually make the break?

maisiebabe Tue 16-Oct-12 23:42:06

Utterly fed up of no intellectual stimulation, interesting chat or emotional support. Shit, that sounds awful. He doesn't 'get' me, and doesn't understand what I mean when I try to explain this. We are very different people and it's taken me a long time to see so clearly or to want to see so clearly as obviously our lives are so entwined and he has so many good points. But once I started thinking it the thoughts wouldn't go away....
I have told him several times over the past year how lonely I was feeling, and this was through my 3rd pregnancy but he chose not to listen and here we are...

izzyizin Tue 16-Oct-12 23:44:22

When is the separation going to happen? Is he on the point of moving out?

Feckbox Tue 16-Oct-12 23:45:07

Well done on making the break. So hard to do

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Tue 16-Oct-12 23:46:18

Maisie, I feel as you do right now. I'm moving out of the family home on Saturday. Been weighing up the good and bad, like you, for years and got to the point it was unbearable.

We also have a communication problem. We don't understand each other. Trying to talk to him about all this is intensely frustrating, because he doesn't 'get it' - as you describe. I still feel hugely ambivalent though, it feels like leaping into the dark. My dh also has many good points and I don't hate him.

I guess you just have to see how it goes... I tell myself that if dh and I are meant to get back together we will if he can get rid of all the shit bits of his personality

Do you think you've just got the jitters, are finding it hard to let go? It's agony, isn't it, trying to work it all out...

maisiebabe Tue 16-Oct-12 23:54:30

He says he'll start looking for a place tomorrow but I'll believe that when I see it. If I said to forget everything that's been said about separating he would sweep it all under the carpet in a flash and continue as normal, although to be fair, he has been trying harder to communicate.. But you can't change who you are.
tired yes, v jittery now it's all come to a head. Terrified of impact on 13 yo DS who adores his dad. And very much a leap in to the dark. Half of me's wishing I'd never put the wheels in motion at all. And I feel sorry for him too.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 17-Oct-12 00:00:48

Half of me's wishing I'd never put the wheels in motion at all. And I feel sorry for him too.

Yep!

DreamStory Wed 17-Oct-12 00:06:14

I would love to know the answer to this.

Your description of your dh could be mine to a T.

We got together very young and used to get on very well.

Now, he just doesn't 'get' anything I say. Communication skills and emotional awareness = 0.

Looking back, I think all the signs of this were there from the beginning but I chose to look past them because I was utterly in love with him.

What is it that has made you decide to make the break?

For me, the lack of any kind of mental connection has lead me into an emotional (and partly physical) affair with another man.

Not a great solution. Now I don't know whether OM is causing the problems or if it was the problems that caused OM.

I have knocked that on the head now, and am trying to give my marriage some time to recover before making any decisions.

Like you say, would the grass be any greener? What are the chances of finding another man with all dh's good points plus some decent communication skills and emotional maturity?

Dryjuice25 Wed 17-Oct-12 00:30:28

Same here Op, only he has since moved just 5 min walk from my house!!!Hard to get him to see sense.....so frustrating.

Am early 30s and got 3dcs and utterly terrified of the thought of bringing someone into my dcs's life so for me its going to be difficult to move on but living my life with dp is soul destroying as there is not a single modicum of love left, only resentment as dp can be difficult to live with, EA and there is zero connection left.

Good LUCK though

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 17-Oct-12 00:34:29

would the grass be any greener? What are the chances of finding another man with all dh's good points plus some decent communication skills and emotional maturity?

I don't even care about finding another man. That doesn't have to be the point, does it? Men are good for DIY. Well some are, mine wasn't as it happens.

izzyizin Wed 17-Oct-12 00:52:39

Leaving a non-abusive spouse in order to become all you can be is one thing.

Leaving a non-abusive spouse in the hope that you'll find another more suited to you is quite another.

Unless you rid yourself of the notion that you can only be validated by having a spouse/partner and embrace life as a singleton/single parent, it's likely you'll find yourself in a patch that is not a dissimilar shade of shit green in the not too distant future.

A couple of things are worth highlighting:

But you can't change who you are It would be a very bleak outlook for many if this were the case.

I think all the signs of this were there from the beginning but I chose to look past them because I was utterly in love with him If you don't learn any lesson from this, the chances are history will repeat itself.

'Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds'. If, some years after marriage/dc, you discover that the object of your former adoration is not the erudite, witty, empathetic, soul you believed them to be, you should ask yourself whether you have a need to be 'in love' to the exclusion of all logical thought - and whether the qualities you desire in a spouse/partner are ones which you possess.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Oct-12 07:40:23

"Is the grass greener on the other side...?"

Not necessarily, but that's no argument for remaining in a state of low-level unhappiness and dissatisfaction. What you settle for today you'll regret tomorrow and resent in the future. You presumably thought, when you got married, that the grass would be greener with a ring on your finger. Every big decision is a judgement call and everyone's allowed to say they made a mistake.

There are those that can work on the marriage, make more effort and change things around. But equally there are those that opt to separate amicably, continue to co-parent and get on better as friends than they did as husband and wife. Good luck

WaitingForMe Wed 17-Oct-12 08:29:43

It often strikes me that you're off to a good start when there's no hatred. DH left his ex for the kind of reasons OP is ending her marriage and it worked out well. For both of them the grass was immediately greener because they were happier apart but still able to work together for the kids.

Crucially DH had some counselling to work out why he married and had kids with a woman he was ill-matched too (it was because she was just like his unaffectionate and unsupportive mother) before marrying and impregnating me.

ThistlePetal Wed 17-Oct-12 09:26:24

I'm in this position right now too, we have agreed to separate and we are telling the DCs this weekend, so it is all about to become even more real. It is amicable, although very fraught at the moment, but I am hopeful that we will keep a good working relationship as co-parents.

It does indeed feel like leaping into the dark, but I think when you have come to the point when the bad outweighs the good and you can't imagine being together in 2, 5, 20 years.... You have to take the leap. Otherwise, like Cogito says, you will probably live to regret/ resent staying.

Also totally agree with others who say you need to be sure that you are leaving to become single, not to find another relationship. That may well happen in the long term, but I'm finding that I can't look too far ahead at the moment, and my priorities are the kids, and getting myself reorganised with finances etc. I've booked some counselling sessions so I can have a good look at myself and hopefully, stay positive and strong for all concerned.

Good luck with whatever you decide - and keep posting for support if you need it.

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