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Would I be mad to let him stay with me?

(116 Posts)
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Tue 16-Oct-12 23:12:31

Dh and I are separating, we decided in February. Selling the family home. Lost our buyers in May, have new buyers, due to complete at the end of November.

I have a house and got the keys in mid-August, bought with a loan from members of dh's family (to help all of us). I'm moving in on Saturday.

Dh has dragged his heels finding somewhere and has made two offers, one has been accepted, the other is pending.

Neither of these properties is likely to be available to move into any time soon.

Dh 'can't face renting/putting stuff into storage' etc. He's proposing living in our second home, miles away, temporarily. He'll only see the kids at the weekends and he worships them.

I feel awful that he might end up effectively homeless. He may have orchestrated this, he didn't want to separate - I did. I don't hate him. I feel huge moral pressure to say he can stay in my new house, but I can hardly bear the idea. It's dragged on for months already, and I am desperate to move on and I worry about...

confusing the kids
him getting his feet under the table and finding reasons to postpone moving out.

What would you do?

AKissIsNotAContract Tue 16-Oct-12 23:14:59

I wouldn't let him move in. It'll be confusing for the DCs plus he migh drag his heels about buying somewhere.

pictish Tue 16-Oct-12 23:16:03 If he can't face renting then that's his lookout.

stainesmassif Tue 16-Oct-12 23:19:30

He's manipulating you.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Tue 16-Oct-12 23:19:56

Yes you would

OneMoreGo Tue 16-Oct-12 23:20:35

Don't do it. And agree with pictish. Why can't he 'face' renting? hmm ffs! Not your problem.

Pisces Tue 16-Oct-12 23:20:49

Say NO, NO, NO.

I separated from my husband in February 2011. We had to live together, in separate rooms, until we sold the house in November 2011. I moved into my own mortgaged house, he decided to rent as he wanted to sort out what he wanted to do. He has rented just 3 miles away...

He has never, ever really been away!!!!! He is around all the time. We are very nice to each other because of the children (18 & 21) and he tells me how lonely he is, how he is so grateful for any contact with me whatsoever and like a mug I feel so sorry for him - cook him dinner, let him do odd jobs around my house etc etc.

He will not divorce me as he thinks I will change my mind and come to my senses.

He is a control freak. And I am a stupid, stupid woman for allowing him to continue to rule my life.

I have to start all over again, over a year later, to tell him to move on, leave me alone and not be available and it is hard, very hard.

Your husband will get his feet under the table, you will feel the effort of removing him is not worth it in the end. THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS.

Start as you mean to go on and learn from me.

tribpot Tue 16-Oct-12 23:23:34

I think it's very likely he's deliberately trying to guilt you into offering him a place to stay in your new house. Cut out the guilt, and put yourself and your needs first - it's what you left him for (I don't mean that in an accusatory way, but if you want to separate you need to carry that decision through to its conclusion, for everyone's sake).

If he wants to see his kids in the week, he will do. If he can't be arsed renting to help make that easier - that's his problem.

pictish Tue 16-Oct-12 23:24:33

Exactly - if you're splitting...then split!

Feckbox Tue 16-Oct-12 23:24:42

Op do you think what Pisces experienced might apply to you and your husband if you let him move In for a bit?

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Tue 16-Oct-12 23:31:24

Thanks for responses.

Yes, I can see things ending up like they have for Pisces. I feel ambivalent about the marriage ending, though it's been shit for ages. I fear being on my own as well. I feel really sorry for him, and I feel a bit beholden because his family lent the money to buy my house sad

izzyizin Tue 16-Oct-12 23:33:38

Why haven't you petitioned for divorce Pisces?

tribpot Tue 16-Oct-12 23:35:49

Maybe think of it more as his family having helped out your children, rather than you. Either way, unless you think the money was lent specifically to try and guilt you into staying married (unlikely?) you need to put your guilt aside and move on. The loan may have left you beholden to his family, but not to him.

Feckbox Tue 16-Oct-12 23:37:40

Cant speak for Pisces , but Lots of people separated but either don't want to divorce or just don't get round to it. I hesitated for years. It's difficult to explain if you have not been there and felt it.

Anyway , I don't want to detract from tired' s dilemma.
Tired, what do you WANT to do?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 23:48:48

nope, you will never get him out again

stick to your guns, or what was the point of going through the trauma of separating....just to erm, live together again

if i had lent you money to facilitate a seperation I would be a trifle bemused (or perhaps fucking furious) to see you simply cohabiting somewhere else...

Pisces Tue 16-Oct-12 23:49:07

izzyizin I tried to divorce him and saw a solicitor and he said he would fight me every step of the way and that he would make it cost me so much money. Hopefully, he will agree to a non-contested divorce in February (2 years) but I doubt it very much. My only hope is holding out for 5 years or, sick and sad as it might seem, meeting someone else whom I would love to be with and asking them to help me with the divorce. sad

I am controlled. I know I am and it is a horrible state of affairs. I am slowly but surely coming off medication now. Not just anti-depressants but blood pressure tablets and various other ones, all given in the hope that I did not have a heart attack or stroke as my blood pressure due to stress was incredibly high.

Guess what my husband did today - he noticed I was short of a few things and went grocery shopping for me. Lovely some might say but I have been deliberately avoiding having alcohol in the house (in particular Barcardi) as I know if I start to drink it, I just carry on drinking it and he has bought me a litre of it and I have opened it.

Have willpower I can hear you all scream but it is not as easy as that. I have NO ONE I can talk to. I am sitting here is tears thinking please someone come and pour it away as I cannot do it myself, stay with me for a week to sort myself out once and for all and there is no one.

I have been unemployed, building up debts for the past year due to "mental illness" and I landed a brilliant job on Thursday. I believe psycologcially that he is upset I have a job, that I need not rely on him etc etc and he is doing what he knows will sabotage me.

Don't give me a hard time. I am trying to get stronger and stronger all the time. I will ring someone tomorrow during the day and talk with them I hope (Samaritans were my best friends for 3 nights - they were brilliant).

OP, please bear in mind that someone who does not want you to separate from them will do their utmost to keep you; even if it is not for your benefit, it is for theirs.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Tue 16-Oct-12 23:53:36

I just want him to be sorted and moving on himself. Feel guilty that he's got to lose his lovely home. I want him to find somewhere and make it his, get on with life sharing custody, etc.

I honestly don't want him in my new house at all, but if he's homeless it's not great for the children, is it? He's a fuckwit to have got himself in this predicament.

He's just offered to sell my car and find me a new one - it's a two seater, so I have to replace it for something I can fit the kids in. I feel pathetically grateful. I wouldn't know where to start doing this myself and have no time to do it anyway.

I feel a huge pressure to help him out, I feel I'm causing him enough misery. He's really low about us splitting and has work problems.

I don't want to feel responsible for him any more but I still do.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Tue 16-Oct-12 23:56:12

he has bought me a litre of it and I have opened it.

Fucking hell, Pisces, pour it down the sink for fuck's sake.

Your life is on the up, he's trying to drag you down/wreck your health.

Congratulations on your new job.

And I hear what you say. My dh came out with every threat/emotional blackmail/obstacle under the sun to avoid us separating.

Pisces Tue 16-Oct-12 23:56:49

Bless you, I still feel responsible too as I wanted the separation.

But let's think on this a minute. Why did we want to separate?

I can speak one year down the line, you have yet to experience life on your own.

Please, for your own sake of mind and sanity, do not let him get under your skin. They WERE our best friends, they are not now and we can do this on our own (says she...).

tribpot Wed 17-Oct-12 00:09:02

Pisces, I know this isn't about willpower. Without wanting to derail OP's thread, there are places on MN, as well as in real life, where you can get help for problem drinking. He's using this as a way of controlling you. Avoid these triggers in the future by making sure he can never know if you are short of groceries, i.e. because he is not in your house to see. It is much, much easier to control whether you can take the first sip than all the sips that come after it.

tired - you can't let him find you a new car. You wanted an independent life (and understandably so). Like Pisces you are handing control back to him through something which superficially appears to be a favour. MN can help you find a car - and we won't use it for emotional blackmail afterwards smile

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 17-Oct-12 00:30:44

trib I asked him to help me with the car. Whenever I do anything to do with cars I get ripped off. I'm blonde and female and I've got a voice like the late Princess Diana's. I look like I know fuck all about cars and it's true.

I've got masses of other things I have to do - new house is huge and needs decorating, no curtains, no fridge etc. I'm a commuter doing an MBBS. DD1 has just started at secondary and needs support.

The real truth is, I'm a bit institutionalised after 15 years with dh and I think my independence will develop when I get out of here.

I feel too wobbly and strung out to sort out the car. I know it's pathetic.

daffydowndilly Wed 17-Oct-12 08:23:14

OP consider carefully what you will do, if you let him stay and he refuses to leae again. After a period of time, a lodger will get some legal rights to remain....

I totally understand you're scared of doing things for yourself, but think of each one as a step towards happiness and fulfillment. You can take your time and it doesn't matter if you make a mistake. Everytime you step out of your comfort zone you will feel better about yourself and feel more alive.

Go and talk to a few car sales places and compare what they have to say. Compare prices online. Being blond doesn't mean you will get ripped off, you have a mind. For what it is worth my X managed to get truly shredded when getting me my car, because he thought he knew what he was doing. The salesman recognised his ego walking in through the door.... I could have done a better job, I just had no self esteem left by that point.

A fridge is not hard to buy. Curtains are not essential, hire a young man to help with the decorating grunt work. You can do it.

SorryMyLollipop Wed 17-Oct-12 09:14:54

Yes, you would

HermioneHatesHoovering Wed 17-Oct-12 09:27:37

"but if he's homeless it's not great for the children, is it?"

He is an adult, just like you. He is trying to guilt you into letting him stay with you. DO NOT LET HIM!

I was married for 22 years and like you say, institutionalised. It's very scary having to do stuff (like cars) yourself, but you will manage it!

MonkeyRisotto Wed 17-Oct-12 09:34:19

Renting is really not so much hassle, it's a damn sight easier than buying. I rented for 18 months when XW and I divorced.

Why will he need to put stuff in storage? Surely you will be splitting house contents so he's not going to have that much stuff?
I think this is all about control, staying in your life, and preventing you from moving on, and you know it is. Don't let him guilt you about it, you have to be tougher than that.

My plan was to rent for six months (I was moving to a different area - XW moved to a different town completely, but that's another story), and see how it went for 3 months before looking for a house in that area, but after 6 months I started seeing someone, so kept renting rather than buying a house that I might have to sell if the relationship continued. So rather than being a hassle, it made life a lot easier for me.

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