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I feel like I have lost myself...(10 Posts)
and that's it really. Life just seems to be crap at the moment. I have made some mistakes at work which is unlike me and I've lost confidence in my abilities. Relationship with DH feels like hard work, I haven't seen friends in ages and now my mum is having a go at me. Objectively I can see that the work stuff is not the end of the world and that DH and I are dealing with the usual parents of young child and juggling work stuff. My mum is utterly nuts anyway but usually I can handle it better. I just feel like it's all too bloody much even though none of it is critical. I haven't the energy to arrange to meet friends and even making a call feels like too much of an effort - besides every time I see a mate I just whinge and moan so I feel like I am rubbish company. I just feel like I have lost my usually sunny natured, resilient self.
I am posting and running - really just dumping it somewhere before I go to bed but I'd appreciate some reassurance that this happens to us all at times and there is light at the other end. I want to have fun again and not feel like life is such hard work - and really I don't have any serious problems, I feel like a fraud for being so self indulgent and self pitying.
Bad times never last forever, nor do good ones. Feeling like it's too much and lacking energy and motivation might be depression. Go and offload to your GP and see what (s)he says.
I don't think it's humanly possible to be sunny-natured and resilient 24/7 and never fall prey to stress. When I feel the way you describe I take it as a cue that I'm doing too much, need some time out and I put my foot on the brake. Sometimes I can get things back on track with lots of rest, book-reading, theatre trips or general slobbing about in PJs. Sometimes I need to take lots of walks in the fresh air and take time to think things through rather than firefighting. Sometimes I need to stick my hand in the air and shout 'I need some help' and get others to pull their weight more around me - often applies when work gets oo much. I'm sure your friends wouldn't mind a few moaning sessions. I'm sure you've done the same for them in the past. I've never actually seen a GP for help but it's something you might want to consider if the usual things aren't working.
Sounds like you need to give yourself a bit of TLC. I felt just like this for several months after my son was born- as though the old fun me had been replaced with a snappy, dull shadow. Pop and see your GP just to rule out depression and in the meantime remind yourself of the things you used to like doing. For me, simple things like going for a run or meeting a friend for a glass of wine made the world of difference and helped me find myself again. Good luck.
I would agree with other posters. It sounds like depression to me and if you can pull yourself out of it, by finding the will to do some of the things you used to enjoy, for example, that's great. If not, see your GP. I have been in this position a few times in my life and if a few nights out with GFs I love and trust didn't do the trick, I went for the couselling option offered by GP, rather than anti depressants. I learnt a little bit more about myself and how to cope with my life better each time.
Thank you all for the replies. I hate the idea of being depressed as my mum suffers constantly with depression and horrible as it sounds I get utterly worn out with listening to her and then dread being like her which is why I try to avoid moaning to people. I have to realise that being down occasionally does not make me like her!
I did call a friend this morning and I have Friday off work so we have arranged to have a proper phone call during our LO's afternoon nap times complete with glass of wine! Not quite as good as getting out but something. Also during a chat with a colleague at work today about something she is doing she said 'I have to remember that I don't have to prove myself' and it really struck a chord as I always feel that I do have to prove myself at work but I don't expect that of anyone else...
I had some counselling when I was younger so may look for that - I work in a senior NHS role and its difficult for me to get support via GP as I manage contracts for a lot of providers locally so feel a bit exposed being referred to them. I will see how I get on over the next week or two and maybe see someone privately.
It's exactly things like "I don't have to prove myself" which I learnt at couselling, so I know what you mean! I'm usually upbeat so didn't want to expose my sadness to friends, but it actually makes you more human and lovable. Ironic isn't it, that people high up in NHS have your problem!
The NHS is not a healthy place to work - more overweight people and smokers than average and a long hours culture. Where I work, the culture is very macho and you are expected to be tough/resilient. I would never tell my boss that I needed support with stress as she would definitely judge me for it and as you say that is ironic given what we are there to do.
Good point too about exposing yourself makes you more human - another colleague told me recently that she was hugely relieved when I made a mistake as she had felt under pressure as I had always seemed on top of things.
You may not feel able to tell your boss that you need support with stress but you're quite entitled to slow down your work-rate. If you'd normally say yes to a project with a short deadline, say no instead or say the deadline has to be further away or that you need assistance. All the other things that build up stress can be tackled eg. take the lunch-breaks that you skip, leave for home dead on time, take time off in lieu if you've had to work late. Put yourself first... the NHS will survive.
Good food for thought Cogito, I am actually moving into a new role in 2 weeks so I do think I will start the way I mean to go on and change my work rate. I tend to take far too much on and always say yes - I have been worrying today because I have refused to sit on an interview board next week and feeling that I have let people down when I really don't need to be on it and it would take a whole day and its time I need for other things. Actually a lot of my problems come from always trying to please everyone else! Its a very hard habit to change though.
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