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Should I talk to him about this or will I look needy?

(66 Posts)
blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:04:32

Have been seeing my boyfriend for 8 months. We see each other about 4 nights of the week, kids permitting.

He has never given me any cause for concern regarding his trustworthiness. He is open about looking at his Facebook/email in front of me and is always where he says he will be etc. No change at all in how he behaves towards me and we are getting on fine.

Onto the issue... he works with a woman who I will call Sarah. She is attractive, over 10 years younger than me and single. They don't work in the same office any more but 15 miles apart. However, they talk over email or phone every day as she is in charge of staff rotas and he is in charge of his staff's duties and they're fairly friendly and chatty. So far, so normal? Anyway, he told me the other month that she made it fairly clear she fancied him.. asking if he was single etc. He responded with telling her about me as he wanted to nip any of that stuff in the bud immediately. She made a comment about his girlfriend being lucky, he joked back that I might not say that and that was the end of it. They continue to talk duties over email as well as general chit chat. they're also friends on fb after she requested him.

He has been upfront about the above. When he told me, i had a minor wobble and he was reassuring, said he had no interest in any other woman, that he was happy with what he had and that i was the only one for him. He teased me a bit about it, I laughed too and that should be the end of it.

Unfortunately i cannot shake it off and i have no idea why? Me and him chat on and off all day over an iphone app that allows you to see when the other person was last online. If I see he was last online say, 30 minutes ago, but didn't send me a message I am worried that he was chatting to her. To my knowledge he doesn't talk to her outside of work, ive never known it at all. He also doesn't talk to her on his personal iphone - everything is via work or his work email.... yesterday he was off work very unwell. He was looking at his work emails on his blackberry next to me and one was from her. it just said ' how are you feeling now? ' and I pointed it out and said ' aww, how sweet ' and he just laughed.

So..what to do? I'm feeling jealous and insecure. I also [ to be honest ] have previous for this in other relationships. I am fairly suspicious by nature and to reiterate, he has never caused me any problem re his trustworthiness.

Do I talk to him and sound clingy and needy? And what do i say ? ' I'm jealous and worried because I saw a message on your work mobile which you know and all it said was ' how are you feeling? ' That sounds stupid! But how did she know at 10am he was ill? Did he specifically email her to tell her? God knows!

He has reassured me about this once, only a month or so ago. But i am really stewing here. Am I being an idiot? WWYD?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 16:13:35

I think you have to take him on face value on this one. He's been really up front about the unwanted interest, they have to be in touch frequently for work reasons and 'how are you feeling now?' is a pretty ordinary thing for colleagues to say to each other.... no pet-names, signing off with kisses and so on.

HellonHeels Tue 16-Oct-12 16:17:59

He sounds as though he's been quite straight with you about it all. Maybe you should stop the all-day IM arrangement, it seems to be fuelling your anxieties - and must be interfering with his work (and yours, if you WOH).

ClippedPhoenix Tue 16-Oct-12 16:18:23

I don't understand why he told you she fancied him, he's opened a whole can of worms very unnecessarily here.

I remember a boyfriend once telling me his flatmate stood up in the dealing room and said that boyfriend was going out with a "right munter" meaning me. Now why the bloody hell did he tell me that? It caused no end of trouble.

So whilst you do sound a bit insecure, I don't understand why he would tell she fancied him unless he sort of likes to gain some sort of reaction out of you.

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:19:12

No, no kisses or anything. He is as attentive to me as he ever was, wants to see me as much etc. I think he deliberately told me all about it so i would know - but he told me in a 'jokey' way. When they became friends on fb he laughingly said ' oh look at that friend request, she couldnt resist! ' and made a point of showing me. Again, probably to be upfront.

I know he likes her though as a friend. And i know they chat over email. I also know that my own insecurity is a real problem. Made more difficult for me because he knows nothing about it.

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:20:49

He just told me conversationally , CP. He was telling me about a conversation they'd had in which she asked him if he was still in a relationship that had ended some time ago. He said ' no' and she said ' ooh so you're single ? ' and he told me that he nipped it in the bud.

I dont think he was trying to provoke a reaction. He was just being upfront.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 16-Oct-12 16:21:34

See, now you've just written that I'm beginning to think he has another agenda here. He sounds rather arogant to be honest. "Ooohh, look, told you she fancied me, aren't you lucky I'm such a catch".

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:22:23

hell - he has a fairly busy job whereas as I work very part time and have more time on my hands and yes, it is fuelling all of this as i have lots of time to wonder why he was showing online at 7.30am but didnt say morning to me until say 9am.

Yes, im stupid.

ParsleyTheLioness Tue 16-Oct-12 16:23:27

It sounds as if they are quite close, emotionally at least. But I am an old cynic as husband of 20 yrs was caught out online dating, so hopefully someone will be along soon...

ClippedPhoenix Tue 16-Oct-12 16:23:39

Why did he accept her on facebook? I'd have declined.

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:23:47

he often jokes about his queue of women but really... they're just jokey comments and he is just teasing. He thought my reaction to the Sarah thing was funny but he took time to reassure me too. He just said ' you know you're the only one for me '

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:24:59

I think he accepted her because they're friends? As in they chat over email. Now, i have lots of male friends that i talk to over email/ daily on the phone and meet up with. Always have done. So... he has made it clear that he is just friends with her?

ClippedPhoenix Tue 16-Oct-12 16:25:19

Sounds as if he likes to play on your insecurities OP.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 16:25:38

If he is being upfront, then you should be too

Don't hide your feelings from him, tell what you have told us

Otherwise all sorts of miscommunications are possible

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:25:40

I am seeing him tonight. I could ask him about this. but i do not want to sound like a twat. He has already been very upfront once.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 16-Oct-12 16:26:17

You are no way stupid OP to my mind. You're spidey senses are working here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 16:26:34

If he doesn't know you're insecure, then tell him because otherwise he'll assume you're as comfortable with the joking and other references as he is. Don't make it accusatory or go over the top. Just let him know that you're a bit sensitive, insecure and, even though you know he'd never deliberately hurt your feelings, you have trouble seeing the funny side about other people saying they fancy him. Agree that you should get off the i-phone app because it's only feeding your anxiety.

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:26:40

And how do I word it? I do not want to appear insecure and needy. Both of which I patently am.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 16-Oct-12 16:29:57

I don't think you want to hear what I'd say op grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 16:30:47

"Even though I know you'd never hurt my feelings on purpose, when you tell me other people say they fancy you, it makes me uncomfortable. I know I'm a bit insecure but if you could be more careful, I'd appreciate it"

You'd hate me btw. I regularly answer the phone to colleagues with the words 'Hello gorgeous!!!' confused]

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 16:31:36

BTW... I don't think anyone can "play on your insecurities" if they don't know you have them.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 16-Oct-12 16:35:00

"Me and him chat on and off all day over an iphone app that allows you to see when the other person was last online."

I think you need to stop this and give him space in work, rather than checking up on him. Do you not have a job?

SackGirl Tue 16-Oct-12 16:39:51

Why not be honest about your insecurity issues? I too suffer from very bad insecurity and suspicion/paranoia - I was very upfront with my DP about it from the beginning. I don't think it would put him off or make him think you're clingy. Just more honest than most. That way when you need to get something off your chest it wont sound like an accusation

Tressy Tue 16-Oct-12 16:50:18

Seeing as you have many male friends who you chat to regularly, could he possibly be wanting to appear to be doing the same. I cannot see why you have a problem with it when you chat to male friends. He might be thinking they fancy you, lots of men would.

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:57:08

Tressy - he is very laid back and not jealous or clingy/needy in the slightest. He works on the basis that he trusts me and will do so until I was to do something to the contrary. He would be quite offended if I said I didn't trust him

I feel I am checking up on him now. I can see he is online now and must be chatting to someone . I just worry that it is her? Although I know he has other mates on there that he chats to

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