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Am I being oversensitive to friends lack of cicumstances?

(25 Posts)
Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 11:23:43

Okay so arrange a girls night with old girlfiend of 20 years she lives 80miles away I drive through we had planned to go out for a meal then to a show, on arriving she is having dilemia with her part-time job, has a hubby on a good wage so her income not too necessary in the grand scheme of things, and her DCs have flown the nest, anyway the whole evening is spent with her disappearing for 2hours to see someone about work , then on return more phone calls and another visit from a colleague to discuss the days happenings, then another phone call , at 12 she stopped I had to go to bed as was exhausted trying to keep up as was her husband , she apologised next day , but I felt put out as it I do not have alot of free time with my own work commitments and family and is just seemed such a waste of time as it was all so petty the issues I mean, am I being intolerant of my friend?, could she not have put this off or put me off coming through it would have been better I think .

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 11:31:27

Disappearing for two hours when you've arranged to meet a friend for a night out is a bit odd. She should have saved you the drive and postponed

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 11:33:30

Thanks that is what i thought it was embarrassing when her husband came home form work and his wife is not there , I assuming she will only be 15minutes was naturally quite worried if she was okay because she was on her own.

Bluebell99 Tue 16-Oct-12 11:35:51

Had you already got tickets for a show? I would have been really put out, as it would have been much better to have postponed your visit if she couldn't have given you her attention. But sometimes even part time unpaid jobs can be stressful and time consuming and maybe it's what gives her life meaning. I was feeling stressed this weekend as had family coming to visit and a couple of days before found out my ds had an exam that I needed to help him prepare for. I didn't want to postpone visit as knew they would be looking forward to it. Maybe she had a similar dilemma. However I think she treated you unfairly and in your situation I wouldn't be putting myself out to spend time with her again.

ObiWan Tue 16-Oct-12 11:36:57

I would say you were being insensitive towards your friends circumstances.

Clearly there was some unavoidable crisis workwise. That your friend works part-time and has a husband who earns a lot is neither here nor there.

Your friend apologised, and clearly couldn't have foreseen the problems, or she would surely have postponed.

ManifestingMingeHooHoosAgain Tue 16-Oct-12 11:40:26

hmm maybe she feels her job is important, even if it is part time and her 'hubby' earns a good wage? Why is it an issue if she is not at home barefoot and pregnant when her DH gets home?

Yes, it was bad manners to spoil a planned night out like that, but you sound ever so judgy of her.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 11:44:40

If you know your guest is driving 80 miles - not just popping round the corner - and you get hit with a work crisis that you can see is going to take a time to fix, it is only polite to put in a call and say 'I'm going to be much, much later getting home than I thought... have you set off yet.... do you mind waiting... do you want to do this another time?' With mobiles etc. there's no excuse really.

It's just rude to let them sit twiddling their thumbs in your home waiting for you to get back and then ignore themwhile you keep making phone-calls up to midnight.

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 11:45:58

No I am not judging her just disappointed and I realise how important her job is and yes she has got herself stressed about it I understand all of this and have always supported her , I just wish she could have told me not to come over and we could have done it another night , I am not the wicked witch here I do appreciate how important her work is maybe i have put it across all wrong, I would no way dimininsh her work ethics i admire and respect them, guess I am suprised at her lack of sensitivity to others , maybe i have seen another side of her thats all.

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 11:48:11

Oh thank -you Cognito , I would never treat anyone like this as I thought it was just plain rude that is what has taken me by suprise and I guess a little hurt , I will get over it , but thanks for your hearfelt words and support.

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 11:49:20

The sad thing is it was not a work crisis and it could have waited another day and night to be sorted ho hum.

Numberlock Tue 16-Oct-12 11:54:25

I think a good friendship has to have give and take. Yes it was a shame this evening didn't go to plan but over 20 years surely that's to be expected. I'm sure during that 20 years you've had the occasional 'crisis' that has resulted in get-togethers not running smoothly.

It sounds like you expected her undivided attention whereas I would have been asking what I could have done to help her.

Or does that help only extend to your friends who work full-time, with low-earning husbands and children who still live at home? I don't see why those details are relevant.

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 12:31:22

Yes we have had a good relationship ,BUT her selfishness was what got to me not her income or anything like that -Numberlock

geegee888 Tue 16-Oct-12 12:42:26

You're not very good at explaining things as you haven't said what kind of job she does and only at the end do you mention it wasn't a work crisis but don't let us know what kind of crisis it is. So how is meaningful comment possible?

From what you say, there was an unavoidable crisis of some kind related to her work which was important. Sometimes things happen which can't be avoided, she sounds like she was being loyal to whoever was suffering the crisis, while you don't come across as very understanding or empathetic, but actually a bit attention seeking.

You also sound as though you belong in the 1950s. Your comments about her job only being part-time, and not that important in terms of income as her DH has a good job and her children have flown the nest are actually unutterably daft. Can I just point out that I also work part-time, the taxpayers spent a lot of money training me to be a dentist and my work is valuable. This is despite my DH earning a high salary.

From the way you describe it, she sounds a better, more rounded, balanced person than you do. There is more to life than hanging around the house all day, serving others. Maybe shes fed up with you and your lack of tact/empathy?

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 12:43:37

Oh and I did help made the dinner and offered support and advice at the time I am extremely fond of her and we always have got on in the last 20 years, I am not perfect and do not expect others to be that is not the human scene , just a bit if thought is all i am asking , amen.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 12:43:56

BTW... without outing your friend what kind of work is it she does? Is it something where lives will be lost if it's not attended to immediately? Another thought that occurs is that the type of person who likes to be seen clamped to their mobile all hours of the day or night is often one that wants to be seen as being very important and indispensible. Others have pointed out that your original post was a little condescending about what your friend does for a living.... might there have been an element of her wanting to impress you?

Numberlock Tue 16-Oct-12 12:47:17

on arriving she is having dilemia with her part-time job

The sad thing is it was not a work crisis

I'm also confused.

geegee888 Tue 16-Oct-12 12:48:12

But what would you have had her do? Leave the mysterious work related crisis person/whatever totally in the lurch? It was obviously something quite vital, but you don't seem too concerned.

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 12:49:05

She works in her local store , which i think is worth while but not enough for her as she wants to chuck it , but to want to impress me after all these years dont think so, maybe i am wrong , but she does not stick to any of these jobs I feel she needs to find an interest or a passion to feed her intellectually and emotionally she seems abit lost at the moment , i am sorry if i appeared condescending i really did not intend that at all.

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 12:51:13

Sorry no no crisis , just her wanting to hand her notice in which she could have done the next day , there was NO crisis i assure you sorry to not be clear on this.

You do sound patronising "got herself all stressed about it" is what you say when you feel someone is overreacting but you, in your wisdom, can see the big picture

Numberlock Tue 16-Oct-12 12:57:45

I feel she needs to find an interest or a passion to feed her intellectually and emotionally

i am sorry if i appeared condescending

I find that incredibly condescending! I would hate to think a friend of mine of 20 years standing would make such a statement about me.

geegee888 Tue 16-Oct-12 12:59:57

So you think she should give up work and live off her DH, so she doesn't get stressed and has more time for being in when her DH comes home from work and for her friends?

I'm sorry, but I still think you're being really selfish and not much of a friend to her. Maybe she wants some independence and some income, and to get out of the house. Thats not really your decision to make.

It does sound as if she was going through some dilemma which affected her, so its a shame you couldn't see fit to support her instead of criticising her. Since you were there...

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 13:00:42

Well Geegee you have taken this on board albeit the whole hog!Sorry if you think i am some dim wit in the 1950s but you got it all wrong honey i am sorry your so upset think you need to read the other post to be clear on what you are stating here.

Teansympathy Tue 16-Oct-12 13:02:40

Well Number lock dont read my post we are all entitled to our opinions and seeinf as how i know her you dont have a clue what I mean , and it is said compassionatley not dispassionatley , for good ness sake i was only seeking some friendly advice not the third degree.

Numberlock Tue 16-Oct-12 14:05:08

i was only seeking some friendly advice

You asked for views and I gave mine or do you just want views from people who agree with you?

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