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Please help - Think am cracking up :((12 Posts)
Will try and get this to make sense.
Am 33 weeks preg. It has been a long awaited pregnancy. Had two MC's trying to get pregnant. Was a bit stressed and TTC obsessed after the second MC.
Unfortunately it has also been very complicated, healthwise and extremely painful. Am now meant to be on bed rest and have friends and family doing the school and preschool runs for my DCs who are 6 and 3.
My problem is that I am convincing myself that DH is having an affair. There is no 'one thibg' as it were, just that he seems distant, is being a bit secretive with his phone and I have caught the odd text while I was next to him, that when he's opened it up, I have thought it looked a bit suspect. However it was only one text and I may have read too much into it.
He has sworn blind he isn't having an affair. I have told him that if he was honest about it and we tried to work on things it night not neccessarily be the end. I have been a wreck for weeks. Keep second guessing him, following him around the house, even to the toilet! To try and catch him out.
But now I keep imagining scenarios in my head: us having to tell the children, me being alone, him and her together, he and I being divorced, me confronting her. I am in tears over it at least once a day. I am really driving myself mad.
He has always been a lovely husband and a lovely Dad. The kids adore him. He works and goes to the gym and that's it. He never goes out at night drinking, he doesn't disappear for hours, he works hard in our home too. He's having to do a LOT of the housework due to me being laid up. He never complains and says he doesn't mind. But in my head I'm imagining that he hates it and it's driven h to someone else. He says he's excited for Xmas and our holiday next year. But I am CONVINCED, because I have convinced myself, that he is planning to leave, either after the baby is born or after Xmas. Or that he won't leave because he is so devoted to the children, but just stay for them and har another woman on the side. I have voiced all this to him and he has reassured me over and over again, but he's getting sick of it I know.
He says it's pushing him away. He says he's breaking his back trying to prove himself, and I am making up whole scenarios in my head, crying over them for hours and then begging h not to leave, when he has no intention of it. I feel like I am going crazy. Our sex life is and alwys has been great. No real change there. Sort of different at the mo due to my health, but still fun.
I believe he loves me. I know he still wants me sexually. He is devoted to the kids.
Why am I like this? Is it hormones? I literally ask him what he's doing and who he has spoken to/seen every 10 minutes.
Please help. Sorry turned out so long and so stream of consciousness.
Have you been to see the Dr? Could it be a bit of antenatal depression? Especially if you've been through a bit of a tough time before and now whilst pregnant?
Another vote for seeing your Dr. Normally I say go with your instincts if you think your H is having an affair, but if he's not spending unaccountable periods away from you, I don't see how he can be. This sounds more like classic ante-natal depression, and it's vital you get it checked out because it could spiral into PND if untreated.
Hope you feel better soon.
Aww I really, really feel for you OP.
I'm also 33 weeks pg with such severe health issues that i've been unable to work since the middle of July. So I completely understand how 'cabin fever' can have an effect on reality.
You have literally too much time to scrutinise every single detail in your family life & at a time when you're not feeling at your most attractive & have hormones raging, I'd say the likeliest 'target' (sorry crude analogy) of your scrutiny would be your DH.
You need to speak with your midwife or GP ASAP because if you don't reign this in now, you're going to regret it.
You say you still have a great sex life, that speaks volumes. I have no doubt that my partner loves me but I couldn't tell you the last time we were intimate due to the pain I'm in. Try to see how this intimacy is a sure sign your DH loves you.
Thank you so much everyone
I have considered going to the GP, but was worried he'd think I was hormonal and over emotional. Maybe I could ask the midwife for help as she's a bit more sympathetic.
Feel very daft writing it all down. DH has already text me to say hello and ILY a few times today, but it just makes me worry more. You're all right, I do need to get some help.
You're suffering from anxiety unfortunately. Try very hard to not take this out on him.
I also recommend seeing your dr.
The text you saw... what did it say? Maybe we can put your mind at rest about that.
And when you say ' secretive with his phone '- what do you mean by that?
Sorry late to reply.
I had never considered anxiety. I don't really know what it is. I assume it's different from depression? Will the MW/GP be able to help me? I don't really want any medication - I'm on so much already
Yesterday was lovely. It was DH's b'day. He had the day off and both DC's were away all day at school and preschool. We had a lie in and a wander to a shop so he could spend a gift card, then home and just a relaxed evening with the DC's. But even then I was constantly having to stop myself following him or asking about his phone The poor guy can't even go for a wee.
Today has been awful. He left for work at the normal time, I called his work after he'd been there an hour, to ask about the TV (IT HAD PACKED UP FOR SOME REASON, WASN'T FAST FORWARDING) and they said he hadn't arrived yet and asked me where he was. I had text him a few minutes before and he'd said he was just outside his work. I called his work then and he was inside by then and said he's had a flat on the way. Asked why he hadn't told work and he said he had, he'd told the boss. Obviously the news hadn't filtered down to the warehouse, why would it I guess, it's only a flat and he can change it himself. He only needs to let the boss know.
But that was it for me, I was convinced he'd stopped on the way to work to see an OW. I am almost certain there is NO OW, when I can talk to myself rationally about it. He really isn't unaccounted for ever, unless it was someone from work, or was conducted via phone/text. I then ignored all his calls and texts for nearly an hour. He was frantic when i finally answered, he'd thought something had happened to me/the baby/one of the DC's. He really sounded worried and upset, but I just told him my phone was on silent. I think I was subconciously trying to punish him for stopping off for a shag (I told you I was crazy).
Now I feel horrible and suspicious but also tied up in knots about why I can't be happy
The text said 'Enjoying my new bed', after he'd sent a text to a mutual female friend saying he was 'bored'. I flew off the handle and screamed at him that they were 'sex texting'.
Secretive with his phone, well I don't know. I just mean that he keeps it in his pocket, but he always has, and that he takes him with him when goes to the loo, again he always has.
I am hunting down shadows. I know it. I never used to be like this, I was busy and happy with school runs, toddler groups, seeing friends etc. Now I am alone almost all the time and every day I'm in pain. I just sit around and imagine scenarios of him leaving, me being alone and everything he has said to me being a pack of lies. I am convinced that he's saying everything now to keep me sweet, then when the baby comes in 5 weeks, or after Xmas, he s going to drop the bomb then and leave.
Every day I ask him if he's having an affair, or try and initiate a 'big talk'. He says he is sick to the back teeth of it. I even ask if 'it' is just sexual or whether he is in love with somebody! He says 'there is no IT!!!'
Why am I sabotaging myself like this??
I'm also having horrible nightmares and daydreams about terrible accidents happening to the DC's or reliving near-miss accidents they've had and thinking about how serious they could have been. Then I end up crying over it. I am at a loss.
PS Have NC'd now.
It sounds like anxiety to me. I've had it, it can be awful. Its often triggered off by a traumatic event, loss or period of stress and it sounds like you've had those. Your brain finds things to focus on and obsesses and its exhausting isn't it. For me it was medication and counselling that helped me get better. Medication might have to wait until you've had the baby if that's the route you decide to go down. See your doctor.
Yes, you are suffering with anxiety/low self esteem and insecurity. All very different to depression but a horrible thing to have to cope with no less.
You can overcome this, you know. But it will take some self control and commitment from you. You ARE self sabotaging and I know you feel you cannot stop this but actually, you can. You can start small. Today - or tomorrow if i'm too late!! - resolve that you will NOT as him about his other woman. This woman that only exists in your head as far as things stand. You will bite your tongue and you will ask if he fancies watching a DVD and then you will resolve to sit and watch it - companionably. You can do this.
Drop me a PM if you would like to. I am also a name changer but have been on MN for years and years and understand this sort of feeling only too well, unfortunately, so I sympathise.
Thank you for your replies everyone, it's so kind.
I'm trying very hard. Even spoke to DH last night about possibly seeing the doctor. He said he thinks it is a good idea, but doesn't like the idea of me being on AD's or anything while I'm pregnant.
blazing I might PM you later on, if you don't mind, thank you
gosh, sounds like you're having a really rough time. Ask your DH to leave his phone out, just to scotch that one off for the time being.
You must see the GP. They'll have seen it all before so don't think they're going to be scratching their heads. There are ADs you can take while you're pg and I'm a great fan of ADs when the time is right - they are an absolute miracle and I dread to think what things were like before them. Thank god for modern medicine, I say.
this is a tough, rough time for you but it will pass . It always does. Try to get some perspective by standing back and saying to yourself 'this is a shit time. it will pass' . It really does.
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