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SIL constantly whining abut money.(42 Posts)
If she really does earn 50k and only tips up a few hundred in rent she has about £2000/month 'pocket money'. Now, whilst it's obviously none of your business how she spends it, it's clear she's taking the piss by crying poverty and begging for loans. Her parents may be happy to go along with the charade but you don't have to. I wouldn't have any hesitation refusing to subsidise her one single penny or telling her why. This is not the time to stand on ceremony. Blood's blood but money's money.... keep hold of yours.
I've been in this situation with my df before. He's got just shy of £100k a year going in his household and moans that he's skint (he's really not) so once I said, 'if you are skint and you earn Xx amount then you either need to get an accountant or call the police because you're being robbed'. He soon shut up and doesn't dare mention it now.
Obviously this is only appropriate if you are sure they aren't secretly up to their neck in debt. My dad isn't tight with money, just doesn't understand that to me skint is no money left on OD not just a bit short towards payday.
I have two SILS one, DB wife the other DH sister.
Both are rich and both are mind boggling MEAN AND TIGHT.
Both earn well over 50 grand and have huge saving and NO CHILDREN.
Neither go on fancy hols and like yours also talk about how little they have.
They will do anything to bring the cost of anything right right down, never ever ever do they once just spend.
the need to stinge permeates every waking momnent and thing they do, never ever full rpice clothes - even a tank top t shirt in next for instance....will always always always be the sale....
clothes get brought then anxiety starts and they go back.......
both seem to suffer massive anxiety about how little they have! this though i think is why they have so much!
they never really spoil DD at all, would recoil if i said - what about taking her to local farm for £8 each!!! that would cause a major panic attack!
for dd 5th bday she got a dry homemade plain muffin off one SIL, and a cheap charity buy from the other!
Dh, myself and DD live off DH wage of LESS than 20 grand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We stint, we buy reduced but we just seem to do it - without the anxiety....
your SILS head is in poverty, and worry - this is how she perceives herself and you are enabling this too by carrying on as you have been.
I wouldnt get bad tempered about it to anyone - as this is how they obvioulsy see her and she feels so its HER reality....
I would simply say - " im so sorry we are having to really cut back this year....all our money is getting sucked up by the children etc....after all - dea SIl think how worrid you get about " surviving on your wage" well DH and I have MUCH MUCH bigger out goings - AND the children to think of AND if " WE" dont pay our mortgage we could serioulsy loose the roof over our head....where as for you - you are secure with MUM> "
people like your SIl are usually totally and utterly wrapped up in themselves....and would never ever think of you and your dh and how you cope!
then stop all gifts and paying for her....and ust always remind her - you feel just as worried and anxious about money as her - but at least she lives with mum and has no kids.
my dad was moaning about having no money and we worked out - he gets more than us a year but is single, mortgage paid etc and still cant live within his means.
that small revalation was a real wake up call to him!
also dont forget as she is so " vocal" about it - she has built up this image of herself....because she is talking about it all the time..and is worried.
you need to start being vocal back.
the next time she asks for money i would talk to her very slowly and carefully and explain her circs compared to yours!
I don't think vocal is necessary. Polite indifference is better. "You need a loan? You're a bit short? On your salary I find that hard to believe.... sorry can't help"
She should keep quiet because she is inviting people to judge and criticise her!
I chose to live with my parents for a while (as a single parent with two children). Other people occasionally commented that I was 'lucky' not to have to worry about bills! I was gobsmacked that they'd see the fact that I had no mortgage, foot on the ladder, savings, husband, as 'lucky' but I learnt, the hard way, and too late that the way to go is to not comment on how little money you have.
Maybe she is incredibly stressed, worried about everybody else already having bought their home, everybody else having a partner and being in 'it' together.
I am annoyed by the couples who tell me they are 'broke' when they have two cars and a lovely home. It's all relative, and again, their 'mistake' is to whine about being broke to me.
There's broke because you're maintaining your assets, and then again, you can have no home/car and be saving /squirrelling away for the future and people will think, oh you're loaded. Because you can actually balance the books and pay the bills THIS month.
ps, to the poster who talks about the need to stinge permeating every waking moment of her relatives' day! i laughed, but i remember researching an assignment a few years ago stumbling onto a very interesting article, wish i could find it again, about how people react to insecurity. It shocked me because i could see myself in it. my dad was on strike in the 70s, then i was in a relationship with a man who was financially abusive. my need to 'stinge' does permeate my day too! my friends were laughing at me recently, teasing, saying 'waiter, it's jenna, bring her a bottle of your cheapest wine'. hilarious! but they understand why i am like this and what i went through with x pouring through my expenditure and my need to have a bit of 'protection' under my belt.
The psychology of spending is an interesting subject I am sure.
I was in the same situation. It only ended when we brought up in conversation in front of everyone that they must have more disposable income than us. This was challenged until we began to go into details. It was dropped forever but to be honest I think they still feel hard done by.
Are you absolutely sure that there's not more too it? If she really is earning good money and only paying £500 per month to cover rent & bills then she is obviously fairly deluded to claim poverty .
Could there be anything else though? An online gambling habit? A suspicious online "boyfriend", she's sending her £000's too? I only ask because both scenarios have been recently uncovered with people I know! Even the most sensible seeming people are open to a very good con artist it would appear!
I like ElizaRegina's suggested way to say it.
I'd also make sure you do that in front of her parents (so they have a chance to realise they are being taken for a ride).
I would also say something like
"On your salary I'm really worried that you are so broke. You couldn't pay your way at dinner last week and you're looking for a loan from us (and we can only just about afford food for our children!) but you spent £150 on your hair and manicure this week. I'm afraid you've got real problems with your money, I've got some information here from debt management agencies from the internet, if you want I'll go through it with you and we can set up a meeting with someone who can help you."
(put it much more tactfully than that, I know my wording is a bit in your face but I can't think of how to tone it down!)
It's almost guaranteed she will hem and haw - after all she's not in any financial trouble, she's just a freeloader - but it should shut her up in the future.
Her parents may still continue to treat her the same way - after all you can't make someone open their eyes - but at least you will have (tactfully) called her bluff and given them the chance to see what's going on.
JennaLemon I am annoyed by the couples who tell me they are 'broke' when they have two cars and a lovely home.
Jenna they are probably broke because of the 2 cars and lovely home
OP your SIL sounds like a very mean and bitter person so I would be encouraging as much distance as possible. I doubt v much you can change her attitude though, but rather try to reduce the impact it has on you not least by refusing to lend money/pay her way and not entering discussion about it.
Yes you need to say no we can't afford the loan, stop asking for it. And then stop paying for stuff for her. Let her be vocal about it, not you. You just don't pay up.
Bit harder if you're the sister in law but then, it's your money too not just your brother's. First make it clear to your husband, no way, no how. Then he's ready for the fall out.
I would. Challenge them I mean. There's no way I'd pick up the bill for someone who doesn't need me to, just because they are a penny pinching miser. It would simply just not happen!
I'd say 'No - sil has a good job, with very little outgoings, and I'm not going to pay her way'
Then I'd be resolute.
And also strengthen yourself saying this is not just my husband's money, it's not just my money, it's my children's future. This could be college fees or deposit savings for them.
Ten to one that she wouldn't pay a loan back anyway, you'd never see it again.
In your situation I would stop being nice and fgs stop paying for her!!
If she asks for a loan tell her you dont have the money, and give her the numbers for Wonga and payday loans. When she cant pay for coffee or dinner go without her. When she comments on not being able to buy presents for the children maybe remark "neither would I if I paid that much for a haircut"
The attitude baffles me, most of my friends live quite hand to mouth and theyre the most generous and ones who will always offer to help.
Next time she starts to complain about how broke she is, grab a note pad and pen and say "Right, thers is something seriously wrong here, we are going to do a budget plan for you" and first question is "weekly income please". You can be sure she won't want to do this. And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to ever lend her money or I will come to your house and personally kick your and your DHs arses! I like what another poster said "call the police, someone must be robbing you"
I really like the way you have come at that and challanged her but in a nice caring way on each point.
there is nothing agressive or rude about it either......
saying nothing will get you nowhere.
as said - people are so wrapped up in themselves and in particualr people like her....they often just dont realise what other people live on, there are always
as for ops in laws - I dont think they need to realise she is getting a free ride - its seems they are on side with her - they want her to save and hence are putting her money away for her....even that is helping ops SIL in the image that she needs help..everyone is enabling her...
all of that is really their business...its ops business to make it crystal clear that actually - they arnt lucky - they work hard, they have real bills to pay - etc etc....and they cannot lend anyone money, next time sil suggests something stupid like health farm , laugh in a nice way - " my Goodness!!! you are joking dear! you REALLY ARE THE LADY OF LEISURE!!!! oh well enoy it before you have children as you wont be spending on such frivolities once you have children " etc etc etc...
people who are gracious - keep thier troubles to themselves - put on a bright face etc....might be struggling more than the moaners and whingers - but you cant blame the listeners and the audience for not noticing the quiet ones struggle.
I agree with what Bran said.
But I would also go as far to say, if and when you go out with Inlaws make it clear from the start that you can only afford to pay for you, DH and DC meals/costs. I bet the offers of meals out, weekends away fall by the wayside when they realise that they have to pay for themselves. On the plus side of this you may find you have more money as you are not paying for 3 extra adults everytime.
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