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Should I read much into his change of behaviour/texting?

(23 Posts)
LornaOrder Tue 16-Oct-12 08:36:48

My boyfriend of 5 months seems like a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute he's all over me and the next it's like we've just met.

A few weeks ago he was all cool and offish with me and I'd had enough and decided to just cool my own emotions too. I stopped texting him and replied quite breezy when I did text. I kept myself busy and told myself to stop taking it all so seriously.

A week of that and he suddenly changed but I expected it. I told myself not to fall for the sweetness this time as it won't last but I got sucked in. Lovely texts, lots of kisses, darlings, cuteness, missing you's etc and when we were together he was lovely and affectionate. I started falling for it again and at the same time, falling for him again. He stepped it up a notch by asking if I'd go on a big holiday with him to the states. As well as that, suggested that we consider living together when his current house gets sold next year and started saying it was time I met his family etc.

I got all my hopes up, got excited about this america trip, helped him look into hotels, villas, flights etc - he seemed so enthusiastic and now this week - he's changed again sad

He's stopped texting me good morning texts (something he has done since we met), very rarely puts kisses on the end of his texts and is being all breezy with me. I mentioned the america thing to him last night and he was all "well let's just see what happens, it's ages away isn't it".

I'm sick to death of it. I've spoken to him about it before and he says I'm paranoid and that everyone has of-days, which they do but not to the extent where they totally change their entire persona! I'm sick of having my hopes raised and then dashed week by week, it's not fair.

I know people will say dump the bastard but I love him sad if he was to finish with me I would be upset but at least I'd know where I was. This rollercoaster of "love you/only just met you" is driving me insane.

MrsBucketxx Tue 16-Oct-12 08:42:48

i would be cooling it right off and telling him why,

looks like he is playing games with you, do you really want this forever??

DragonMamma Tue 16-Oct-12 08:46:14

5 months in and you're already sick of his behaviour and games? Hardly the basis for a long, lasting relationship if you ask me.

He sounds like an immature dick and I would be telling him as much and keeping my distance. Sounds like he's either not that keen or keeping his options open.

If you don't end it now I can bet my arse you'll be back here periodically with more complaints/suspicions

lisac99 Tue 16-Oct-12 08:46:30

It sounds like he wants you to 'want' him, however when you actually show that you like him and suggest you want more, he goes all cool on you. Look at how he reacted when you kept yourself busy, didn't chase him, didn't pester him - he went all OTT to make sure that you were still interested. You said yourself, you got 'sucked in', however that in itself suggests it's not a particularly healthy relationship. Healthy relationships aren't game playing and what you have written really does suggest that he's not that bothered but likes having you around.

Well done for challenging him on it, however his response doesn't sound overly positive either. It must be hard as you say you love him, but honestly - even though you do... is the game playing worth it? Could you cope with another 3, 6 months of this? years?

If you go cold again, he'll no doubt step up the attention... as soon as you let your guard down, he'll probably back off again. No wonder it's doing your head in as you're no doubt a lovely person who just wants a 'normal' relationship....

... This isn't it sad

pictish Tue 16-Oct-12 08:48:57

Sounds like a waste of heartspace to me!

LornaOrder Tue 16-Oct-12 08:51:34

It's actually making me ill. I don't sleep at night because he gets me to a point where I analyse every little thing he says or does.

I tell myself "don't read anything into texts" but it's hard when they suddenly change from:

"Good morning my darling, hope you have a fantastic day today xxx"

to

"hiya, hows it going"

Why would you suddenly change your texting style?

It constantly makes me analyse my own behaviour too - is it something I've done? something I've said?

Half the time I feel like I'm playing games too - acting all breezy in my texts when that just isn't me. Sometimes I just want to say "fuck it" to the games and 100% remain myself no matter how he reacts. Tell him I love him, put kisses on my texts, continue looking up american hotels and sending him the links but then - I just look a sad twat don't I.

joblot Tue 16-Oct-12 08:56:57

Talk to him. Txs are tricky, maybe he's busy and sends brief ones as a consequence... Talk about it, no other option

madamemax Tue 16-Oct-12 09:02:00

If it's making you ill, and after a relatively short relationship, I'm afraid that's your clue. Life's too short for this kind of emotional roller coaster/manipulation.

I would cut my losses if I were you.

Best of luck, it's tough to suffer short term pain for (in my opinion) long term gain, I.e. finding your balance again.

maleview70 Tue 16-Oct-12 09:02:39

The top and bottom of it is that if a relationship is making you ill after 5 months then it is not goin to give you lifelong happiness!

lisac99 Tue 16-Oct-12 09:03:01

You don't look like a sad twat. You look like someone who is just not into playing games - e.g. someone who has better things to do with themselves than try and head fuck someone else.

You'd change your own texting style of you were insecure, wanting the other person to chase you, wanting the attention and the 'What did I do wrong?' texts and questions - He's using his behaviour to start to control you. If you bother him or annoy him, he'll get aloof. If you 'please' him... he'll reward you with love and affection. God forbid you try and detach yourself from him as he'll re-double his efforts to make sure you remain under his spell...

I honestly would try and detach, if nothing else, so that you can look a bit more rationally at the situation.

LornaOrder Tue 16-Oct-12 09:12:21

But I don't understand it. I've said to him we could cool things down if he wants to, he says he doesn't want that. I asked if he wanted space/to see each other less and he said no - infact this week he's asked to see me almost every night. When he's drunk he says stuff like it's moving too fast yet HE'S the one that suggested living together, HE'S the one that initiated the big holiday, HE'S the one that mentioned me meeting his family. I'm just sick of everything right now.

He's so confusing. He acts all cool and like he doesn't care but in the background he's booking romantic weekends away in Ireland for us. People say judge him on his actions rather than the things he says or texts but it's bloody hard to totally seperate the two!

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 16-Oct-12 09:19:44

I think you need to reset your own relationship radar now because this guy is bad news. People like this too take an awful long time to recover from and you need to end this dysfunctional relationship for your own sake now. You can finish with him. He is slowly but surely mainpulating you.

You say you love him but what is there to love about him exactly?. What about the effects he is having on your self esteem and self worth now?.

You think love should be like this?. He is playing mindgames on you and does not give a toss about you at all.

LornaOrder Tue 16-Oct-12 09:27:25

So is he doing it on purpose do you reckon? Or is he genuinely messed up with mixed emotions? When we was out at the weekend he said jokingly "I know your gameplay - you're going to get rid of me by Christmas" so I laughed and said "and what makes you think that?" and he replied "I just know". - so then I'm thinking "is that what HE'S planning and he's forewarning me in an odd sense?

Dahlen Tue 16-Oct-12 10:43:18

You said in an earlier post: "if he was to finish with me I would be upset but at least I'd know where I was".

If you can cope with him dumping you, then you can cope with calling it off yourself. And in your situation, that's exactly what I'd do.

No one here, including you, knows if he's a manipulative twat or someone who's just insecure and pulling back out of fear of being hurt. Ultimately, it doesn't matter anyway. Starting any relationship is always a risk but if you can't handle that maturely and communicate effectively, then you're not ready for one and shouldn't be inflicting your neuroses on other people. He either isn't ready, in which case you should be asking yourself if you really want to be involved with someone who has such little self awareness, since lack of self awareness often goes hand in hand with selfishness and unreliability. Or, he's a player who is going to end up hurting you really badly. Neither is a particularly attractive option, really.

In your shoes, I'd sit down with him and lay all this on the line, hard. You can tell him you love him if you want to, but make it clear that love does not mean putting up with crap behaviour and will not prevent you from dumping him if he carries on with the game playing. If nothing changes, move on.

blazingoreos Tue 16-Oct-12 16:13:03

You've posted about this idiot before haven't you?

I feel for you. It's horrible and you must feel confused but for god sake... get rid.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 16:16:53

It's making you ill, but you won't walk away because you luuuuurve him

Open your eyes

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Tue 16-Oct-12 16:31:16

Are you the person who has been posting about this man every few days but name changing?

If you are then why do you continue to ask the same things, get the same advice everytime but ignore it?

If your not that person then listen to the advice given by the other posters.

All this anxiety and paranoia is not healthy for you or any relationship. He might be a manipulative prick or you might be overly paranoid.

You need to work on your self esteem because either way there is something wrong. If your just being paranoid and overthinking things, you will destroy any relationship you are in.

If he is as manipulative as your describing him to be, you need to work on your self esteem because you should have been running for the hills after only 5 months of this relationship.

MaureenCognito Tue 16-Oct-12 16:32:50

i think he is out of hte romantic phase.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 16:49:27

I really hope I haven't given the same reply to the same poster about the same issues several times.

If you are reposting in the hopes of getting different replies, will you just fucking listen !

If you are not that person, fgs don't turn into her. It's quite pathetic.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Tue 16-Oct-12 20:29:34

I suspect it is HappyHalloween.

The OP starts these threads, get the same advice, abandons them only to start another a few days later.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 20:35:51

gah

Adversecamber Tue 16-Oct-12 20:38:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 23:53:38

Oh dear god, is this the same poster?

whatever...

HE'S FUCKING WITH YOUR MIND, LOVE!

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