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How to 'get over' a relationship

(4 Posts)
LePamplemousse Tue 16-Oct-12 01:08:33

I guess a lot of people on this forum are already struggling with current relationships. But I wonder how many of you wise and wonderful women have a few tips as to how to get over a relationship that's now finished with. I have been broken up from my ex partner for almost four and a half months now and yet I'm still really hurting inside.
He had been cheating on me for a year (we were together for 2 and a half years). When I found out, I did break up with him, I had enough self respect for that. But now I find that I feel nervous around men, far less confident around others than I've ever felt before, and my hands even shake when I am meeting new people. It was a horrible experience, my ex's infidelity and our subsequent break up, but I wish it wasn't affecting me SO much. I am trying to get out there and 'do stuff', I'm doing an evening class, I'm trying to keep busy, but I still feel about a million miles from 'over it'. So... any advice?
(I tend to write in quite an upbeat way, I am quite sincere about how awful I feel though.)

mrscumberbatch Tue 16-Oct-12 01:13:31

My advice would be to start liking yourself for yourself again.
Keeping busy is great, but at some point something will just 'click' and you'll realise how different your life is, you're a different person now and you want different things from life.

Don't be in a rush to get back out there and date. Do you have any good friends/siblings etc? Get social. Have fun. You did an amazing and brave thing by standing up for yourself and walking away. You're capable of much more.

LePamplemousse Tue 16-Oct-12 01:22:16

Thank you Mrs Cumberbatch. (I understand your crush completely.)
Yeah I guess that's it, I am trying to keep busy but I still keep thinking of myself as very much the person I used to be and now I realise I cannot be that person any more - so I don't actually know who I am. Also it doesn't help that I keep having really horrible flashbacks and dreams all the time about my relationship with the ex. And I'm constantly running through violent episodes of our relationship in my head wondering why I downplayed them so much when I was actually with him. I guess I'm just a bit of a mess.
Thanks. I do have some friends and a lovely sister. So I'm not all on my own, or anything.

mrscumberbatch Tue 16-Oct-12 01:30:38

Oh it's not a crush. I'm married. flashes ring Honest!

It's not easy changing your perception of yourself. I've had to do it twice, once out of a relationship and the other after giving birth. I lost it entirely, couldn't figure out how to do my hair, shop for clothes. I'd lost my 'essence' completely.

I don't understand the ins and outs of it entirely, but it got better slowly. I found that a lot of my 'things' (films, daft teenage ornaments etc) had been put away to make way for my other 'relationship' life or life with a child and I don't think I was ready to give up on them entirely. So I did all of the things that made me happy once. (Watched movies, went to restaurants, danced madly in bars, read books.) and some of it I just didn't 'get' anymore. But some of it did and having that tenuous link made me feel more like me.

I'm not the same 'me' but there's still some bits of old me that I like and want to keep.

As for the not understanding your own behaviours re: the violent episodes. When you're in love, you want to believe in the best parts, you can almost kid yourself that the worst bits aren't happening or are outweighed by the good.
When you look at it objectively though, you know that a lovely day out in town with friends is not balanced out by an evening of terror and fear. And giving up yourself and your beliefs just so that you can maintain a relationship.

You're a mess. But an understandable mess. And at least you know you're a mess. If you didn't know then it'd be a heck of a lot worse wink

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