Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

somebody please give me opinions/advice

(26 Posts)
TonyMontanasGun Mon 15-Oct-12 15:18:09

Hi, really need some opinions or advice PLEASE

Been with my partner 5 years and for the first year he was still seeing his ex, he left me for her when i was pregnant.

She was a real nasty piece of work and threatened to beat me up and kill my unborn child, when baby was born she repetedly called my baby a "bastard baby" and threated to stamp on my head whilst i was in hospital.

He eventually left her and we got together properly. After a year i became suspicious of him with his phone, he had a code on it and when he text me he had started spelling things differently (the same way that bitch spelt them) and turned out he was texting her.

I threw him out. After a few days he begged me to take him back and said he would get rid of his phone. So thats what happened.

He didnt have a phone for a year.

Then last year he announced he was getting an iphone. And i was livid. He said it was time to move on and start trusting him.

Things where fine, he leaves his phone lying around so its there if i want to look, and if i ask to use it its not a problem. The thing is, on iphones when you get a text it comes up in a little box on the screen, so i could always see who a message was off and read the first couple of lines, it put my mind at ease.

Today he told me he's knocked that feature off, so messages dont come up on screen they go straight to his inbox. He also sent a message today and usually he would write "wat" but now he's started writing it as "w@" and i dont know where he's picked that up from (he says he saw it in a quiz in nuts magazine?!)

So now ive got myself into a state convinced myself he's.trxting somebody else, his exact words when i mentioned my concernes was "if you dont trust me now then go and fuck yourself" and wont turn the feature back on saying its none of my business

Im angry and dont know what to think.

What do you all think of this (and please excuse typos as im on my phone)

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 15-Oct-12 15:22:02

Well, it doesn't sound promising, does it? You don't trust him, and he's telling you to fuck off.

What would you like the outcome to be?

LoveHandles88 Mon 15-Oct-12 15:23:18

I think that you will never trust him. Where do you see yourselves in 2 years time??

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 15:26:28

He cheated on her when he was with you so I'm not surprised that you think he's cheating on you now with someone else. You all sound like horrible people tbh.. hmm

PeppermintPasty Mon 15-Oct-12 15:29:06

My opinion is that he's a charmless bastard who is probably cheating on you.

My advice would be to dump him quick.

TonyMontanasGun Mon 15-Oct-12 15:29:55

What have i done to sound like a horrible person?

The thing is, i have grown to trust him, i should mention we've had another baby since (age 6 month)

I thought things where ok, he just thinks i should trust him but its not easy, and he doesnt get this. Dont know what to think.

Numberlock Mon 15-Oct-12 15:33:39

What have i done to sound like a horrible person?

... probably the bit where you had an affair with a married man for a year...

What is it they say - when you marry your mistress you create a vacancy...

Floralnomad Mon 15-Oct-12 15:36:33

You don't trust him because if you did you wouldn't feel the need to check his phone . You know he is capable of cheating on you and your OP makes it sound like you we're the original other woman . The real question here is why you stayed with him / had him back in the first place and why you went on to have another baby . He sounds like a complete knob head so why waste any more of your life on him .

TonyMontanasGun Mon 15-Oct-12 15:39:19

I didnt have an affair with a married man, i met him, he had split with his girlfriend, we got together and i found out he was still seeing her by the time i found out i was 3 months pregnant and he left me

TantrumsAndBalloons Mon 15-Oct-12 15:39:27

Well you don't trust him.
You didn't want him to have a phone, you are insisting on his text messages being visible to you as soon as they arrive to his phone, if he spells a word differently, you assume there's a reason.

You dont trust him

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 15:41:01

"Dont know what to think. "

Start thinking perhaps. Currently you're jumping around like a dog with a wasp, checking his phones and waiting to see which woman he prefers this month. Find some self-respect, step back from this loser and take some time with your DCs to work out what you want out of life & how you want to be treated. Don't settle for being the also-ran....

Floralnomad Mon 15-Oct-12 15:42:09

Ok you weren't the other woman but with respect your OP was a bit confusing . However that makes no odds to the other issues - he's a dick and you ( prob rightly ) don't trust him .

Numberlock Mon 15-Oct-12 15:44:44

I didnt have an affair with a married man, i met him, he had split with his girlfriend, we got together and i found out he was still seeing her by the time i found out i was 3 months pregnant and he left me

I have to ask why on earth you decided to go on to have another child with him, let alone get back together with him after he left you when 3 months pregnant.

I can't see it really matters if he is or isn't cheating on you this particular occasion or not. He's a lying scumbag who needs kicking to the kerb so you can re-build your self-esteem and a nice life for you and your children.

(As a PS, it's not normal to be livid about somebody having a phone.)

ClippedPhoenix Mon 15-Oct-12 15:47:29

Oh dear OP your relationship was built on sand anyway. He also left you whist you were pregnant. Nice bloke huh.

He's an arse sweetheart, how can anyone tell you to stay with him.

TonyMontanasGun Mon 15-Oct-12 15:48:32

The thing is, for the last 2 years things have been great (wouldnt have had another baby if they hadnt) but ive never fully trusted him (sad as it sounds i'll never trust anyone 100%)

He's made a real effort to "make things right" these last couple of years. He rarely leaves my side other than to go to work, doesnt go out drinking, stays home and helps out with the kids, he's been the "perfect partner" if theres such a thing.

But its just the phone thing, i hate it.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Mon 15-Oct-12 15:48:51

Right so your calling his ex a birch etc and she's threatened to physically harm you.

Both of your anger is being misdirected. He has played you both off against each other hasn't he? I bet there is another woman at the moment, and my suspicion is that you will then blame her.

Why are you with him?

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Mon 15-Oct-12 15:50:12

Birch? I mean bitch

TonyMontanasGun Mon 15-Oct-12 15:50:49

I actually sound really pathetic

PeppermintPasty Mon 15-Oct-12 15:51:34

Seriously, setting all the other things in your OP aside, if someone, sorry, if my partner told me to go fuck myself if I voiced genuine concerns about his activities, dodgy or otherwise, I would bin him.

What a disgusting thing to say to you. Not altogether surprising given what you say about him, but please do not imagine that this is normal, or that you deserve to be treated this way.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Mon 15-Oct-12 15:51:44

Everything you put in the last paragraph of your last post is unhealthy in a relationship.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Mon 15-Oct-12 15:54:43

About the never leaving your side and the phone thing.

My phone is going a bit crazy on me blush

scentednappyhag Mon 15-Oct-12 15:57:31

This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship for all involved, and the best thing you can do is leave him...

TonyMontanasGun Mon 15-Oct-12 16:03:19

Oh and he said he knocked the feature off because he doesnt want his workmates looking at any messages that come through (he works in a factory, leaves his phone out next to his workbench

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 16:07:28

You don't believe a word he says. You seem to think this is your fault somehow and that you 'don't trust anyone 100%'... When it's far more likely that you don't trust him because, despite his recent actions, he let you down so badly in the past. We don't believe him either and we're just working on a very sketch few lines.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Mon 15-Oct-12 16:12:12

So he's only been a good partner in the last few years because you have had control over him? With his phone and his whereabouts?

Correct me if I am wrong but this sounds crazy and possessive.

As far as you know he has behaved in the last few years. You chose to take him back after he did what he did but you obviously have never forgiven him. You cannot build a strong relationship with someone with all this paranoia, doubt and control.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: