NC as regular poster. Where to begin 
DP and I met on the internet just over 12 years ago. Three months later we'd moved in together, and are still together. On the whole things are pretty good, with just the occasional blazing row. Over the years we have been through so much together, but we have always dusted each other down and are a good team. We have been trying for a child for a long time. He has two, now grown, from a previous relationship. I have none.
In the time we have been together, DP has developed some progressive, longterm health issues. I have stood by him through these, helped in every way I could and supported him (and continue to do so) when it all gets a bit much for him.
Jobwise, we were both out of work when we met. He had told me he had recently left the army, but was desperate to get back in so joined the local TA. We both worked hard to turn the work situation around, and have both ended up in decent jobs with decent wages. That said, work isn't a breeze for him and he constantly feels under threat due to time he needs to take off for his disabilities and related appointments.
When we met, he was very depressed and refused to see anyone about it. He had nightmares every night. They were bad, related to a warzone tour he did. After about two years, they began to taper off. He hasn't had one now for about 6 or 7 years.
Absolutely everything DP does, or experiences, gets compared back to the military, and how civvy street fails to live up to military life. His memories and anecdotes all relate to the military, the people he worked with, the places he went. His photos are, likewise, all military related. He never really talks anymore about the other jobs he says he held down while he was in the military, but they were never a secret.
Sorry, this is turning out to be a lot longer than I intended. Thank you if you have read this far.
About two months ago I was unpacking some boxes left over from last year's house move and found some papers that proved DP was in the army for the time he said (over 22 years), but as a TA reservist, not as a regular. He had a regular 9-5 job in the manufacturing industry. He stayed there for over 20 years, was made redundant, got another job, was made redundant from that, and got a job as a security officer at a military establishment. I haven't seen how or why that ended. It was just before we met.
Everything he ever told me about his time in the military has been confirmed by the paperwork I have found. He hasn't lied about anything other than whether it was his full time job or not.
He's not the kind of person you can just sit down and say 'we need to talk'. I have tried probing by asking questions about his time in manufacturing, how that worked with military service, even asked him details on why he won't get an army pension. He doesn't even need to think twice about answering them, he has answers for everything that fit in with his original story (but that I know to be untrue based on the papers I found). He seems to desperately need to cling on to this manufactured history. Since I started asking the questions though, he has started picking fights every weekend. He is a very insecure person, always has been, and whenever he feels threatened his first course of action is attack (not physically, just verbal - rows, interrogative questioning etc).
Ok, down to my question oh wise and long suffering MNers - the difference between DP's real history and that which he has told me is not any kind of a deal breaker to me. He is who he is, I have had 12 years to get to know him. So, is it worth pushing him into admitting the past, and hoping this will be good for him and help him to feel less insecure because he won't always be worrying about me finding out, or do I let it rest, and give him the dignity of his reinvention?
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Please help me decide how to handle this
GoneFishingWithNoBait · 15/10/2012 13:36
cogito you have hit my dilemma square on the head. No, he is not a man at peace. He would never in a million years agree to counselling though. This is something we would have to work through just the two of us. I am very concerned that it is indeed a source of more problems otherwise I wouldn't even need to question what to do.
BeingBooyHoo I love your first paragraph, it actually sounds achievable. I think the reason it doesn't bother me too much that he lied about this is because we met on the internet, he sent me a picture he was proudest of, I think I may have assumed that was his full time job and I think he may have gone along with that because he preferred to be that person than the one who suffered a string of redundancies. I also told him I weighed 15 pounds less than I did 
Some lies are harder to maintain in person!
I think he might see through that BeingBooyhoo, I've started too many sentences recently with 'Was it the regs or the TA you were in?' 
I am so useless at this, I really want to do the right thing and I'm just worried I'll make things worse.
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