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split with my ex and miss him?

(16 Posts)
ste8 Mon 15-Oct-12 11:53:08

i split with my ex and i really miss him. i live at home with our two kids. i no he is a really good man. we split because the family got involved. i do feel we can make things work i just dont no how to tell him that i want him back as he seems to be so hard to talk to since we split. he still tries with me asks if i am ok and keeps in touch. am i just being stupid i feel so cold when i even think about asking him to have a conversation with me?

please help.


CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 12:09:20

Whose family got involved? Why do you think their involvement was enough to split you up? Asking if you're OK and keeping in touch doesn't necessarily mean anything except he's trying to stay civil.

HecateLarpo Mon 15-Oct-12 12:12:47

How did family get involved? Can you give some examples?

It's just that it's so hard to tell without details.

Did your family get involved because he was abusing you? did his family get involved because they didn't like you? Did your family get involved because they are toxic? Did his family get involved because you slept with his dad...

I know we'll all want to help you, but it would help us to help you if we had more of a picture.

If you share children, he will always need to keep in touch, don't assume that means more than he wants to keep things civil. you are the mother of his children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 12:14:00

Also... who initiated the split? You or him?

TheKettle Mon 15-Oct-12 12:25:59

How long since you split up?

ste8 Mon 15-Oct-12 16:02:38

his family have got involved i just wish they would get out of it. its me and him. his family think i am no good they never have liked me for some reason. i have no idea why. i am starting to believe that maybe he is better off without me as he want's to be successful in life and maybe i am just a burden to him. as i am always complaining about money. he split with me after taking sides with his family.

its just so messed up i miss him so much and wish it could just go back to normal.

and everytime i try and tell him those words i freeze.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 16:11:14

So his family didn't like you and he got rid of you rather than stand up for you against his family? Why would you want to demean yourself & go back to a husband that has such a low opinion of his wife and the mother of his children and/or so little backbone? Who are his family to say you are no good and who the hell is he to agree with them?? Are you not furious?

He may or may not be better off without you but one thing's for damn sure.... you're a lot better off without him.

HecateLarpo Mon 15-Oct-12 16:30:36

If he's so weak that his family get a say in who he chooses for a partner then tbh, you're better off without him. Trawl the relationship boards for tales of nightmare in laws and weak partners who won't stand up to them.

It's a ticket to a lifetime of misery.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 16:32:39

Are you getting all the financial/legal/practical help you're entitled to ste8? One way to stop missing an ex is to totally embrace independence, make a brand new (better) life for yourself and your DCs and put him and his horrible family well and truly in the past.

anxious80 Mon 15-Oct-12 21:59:02

I'm in a similar situation. My ex has an extremely overbearing mother and overly close family. They don't like me a jot, mainly because I used to keep a bit of distance and found them all so suffocating that it was difficult to get wholly involved. They don't really have friends individually but use the siblings and mother in particular like best friends.
They see eachother ALL the time and discuss EVERYTHING, even extremely confidential, personal things and each others lives to the finest detail.
I too was told I was 'holding' my ex back including financially - he could not understand or support me and my emotional wellbeing at all.
Is yr ex a Mummy's boy? Mine could never put a foot wrong ever and so the friction was immense.
How was yr relationship despite this aspect? Was he loving / caring? Did he change in front of his family members - put u down etc?

RobynRidingHood Mon 15-Oct-12 22:07:18

he want's to be successful in life and maybe i am just a burden to him. as i am always complaining about money

What does that mean? he doesnt earn enough? You spend too much?

ste8 Mon 15-Oct-12 22:34:08

i really do feel like a lot of you which is just if he wants to be a mummies boy i should simply walk. i certainly believe anyone who chooses their mum over your wife or gilrfriend in these circumstances doesnt desereve the other half. when i talk about money i simply mean he is just so good with money i dont get it. he is a personal trainer. but you would think he was an accountant. he pays his child maintenance via direct debit. and if i ever need money all i have to do is ask. he always says one day he will own his own gym and get into property and i am sure he will. i just feel am i in the way as when it comes to money i am simply CRAP!!! i no i need to work on my self confidence as i am a very laid back shy woman.

i no this sounds crazy i no i deserve better. i just want to get the feeling out of my head that's telling me to call him. as i will probably just end up embarrasing myself. or just not say whats on my mind

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 09:46:50

The only way to get that feeling out of your head is to fill your head with other things. Yes, you need to find some confidence in yourself and that's going to involve learning, growing and being independent. That means thinking about the future, rather than the past. Means thinking about all the things you're good at, rather than solely focusing on your faults. Do you believe you could be depressed? Would it be worth talking to a doctor in the short-term.... maybe considering some counselling or other therapy?

If you are 'simply crap' with money (and many people with financially astute partners never get a look in) then how about seeing if there is a personal finance course going on at a local night-school? MN has boards on Money and websites like are full of tips to help people get to grips with budgeting. Ignorance is fear. Knowledge is power.

Do you have a job? That's another way to make yourself much more independent and to grow as a person, rather than being reliant on a man.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 16-Oct-12 11:07:40

I think the freezing is because the "normal" you want to go back to just wasn't good enough. The only way if you were to be together is to move forward to a better "normal" - one where he puts his partner and children ahead of his birth family, one where you have mutual respect, where you learn from each other and (in my brother's lovely phrase) help each other to be better people. If he is willing and able to do this, if he realises what he's lost and is prepared to put the work in to get it back, would you be able to unfreeze and let him in?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Oct-12 11:15:50

I don't think 'unfreezing' is the issue. The OP has been firmly rejected and to beg him for another chance will do nothing but reduce what little confidence and self-esteem she has left. He tips up the maintenance and he's pleasant enough but, as it is very rare that a family can make any man split up with a wife, it could easily be that there is some other reason the OP doesn't know about. Something more traditional like an OW, for example.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 16-Oct-12 11:57:57

No, no, I don't believe she should beg. That's the point. I didn't explain clearly enough that what I mean is it sticks in her craw to ask him back because they shouldn't go back to how it was. It's a good freeze. However, if, and it's a big if, it's about his ability to break away from a toxic family running his life and choosing his partners (rather than, as you suspect, an OW or some other incentive), there could be a way forward, if he's a good man and he really wants to be with the OP and make her happy.

It can be hard to break away from the influence of some families, which just suck you in, and if he's spent a lifetime knuckling under to their collective pressure it is quite a job to say no to them. They have a lifetime's knowledge and practice of pressing his buttons and they never let go. Even quite a strong man may be stuck in that rut because he doesn't know any different. Acknowledging that it isn't a healthy family dynamic is itself a step too far for some people, but once it is acknowledged there's hope for the individual to break out. The Stately Homes threads are full of survivors who have done just that, but it's never easy.

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