Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what should I do now?

(17 Posts)
untouchable Sun 14-Oct-12 21:34:09

Haven't really
seen dh most of weekend as he went out Friday night, got wasted, was too ill to join dd and I to do anything yesterday so we went visiting and then he was out playing golf today.
Anyway, when he got back this evening I asked him to watch dd as I needed a shower and had been out with dd again all day and then was preparing dinner etc when I got back.
When I came down dd was cowering in the dining saying that he had shouted at her so I sorted her out and then went into kitchen to ask what was up. Dh was watching skydiving man on phone and I said I could do with some help getting dinner ready and tried to find out what had happened with dd but this wad clearly an inconvenience.
I worked out by his bolshy attitude that he had too much to drink after golf and had carried on drinking whilst I was showering and was now going to start swearing at me.
I asked him not to swear as he was shouting and dd (5) could hear him, which made him worse and he started going through the catalogue of swearing. I asked him to stop every tome but he started poking me in the chest and getting in my face and I didn't know what to do and I slapped his face. I have never hit him in 12 years even though this has happened before but o know it was wrong and he is going to make my life a misery now. I just wanted him to stop.
My dd could hear him shouting and was cowering and saying she was scared of him and he heard her and said I had put words in her mouth and that I was a terrible mother. I asked her if she wanted us to go and visit friends for the night but she wanted to stay home but not leave my side.
I took her into another room to eat but never of us wanted to, calmed her down and then went back in with her to see dh. He had calmed down and made it up with her, but he doesn't do apologies so that had to do.
He took her to bed and started questioning her whether I had made her say she was scared etc and had I said anything nasty about him. I hadnt and she told him so.
He is now snoring his head off and I am wondering what the hell I should do now. I will apologize for slapping him but he will not apologize for scaring me and dd I know this. I also know he will take the first opportunity to tell everyone I slapped him to make me look awfu
l, he knows I was beaten by an ex and would have been scared when he got in my face.
I haven't worked for past few months due to ill health and am self employed so have no income whatsoever. He is self employed and earns less than the national av so money is obv a pressure on this house that he resents me for.
There is more to this within enforced celibacy for 5 years and treating me like unpaid au pair but this is long enough.
What should I do? Can he prosecute me for slapping his face?

untouchable Sun 14-Oct-12 21:37:32

Sorry for the spelling errors, am upset and phone playing up a bit

robotsatemywashing Sun 14-Oct-12 21:39:06

He provoked you. He is abusive, a nasty piece of work. You dd was cowering, you were scared. You need to leave him.

Shakey1500 Sun 14-Oct-12 21:42:54

He, and this relationship sound horrendous. Is this normal behaviour for him?

You were verbally and physically assaulted by him (the poking) and retaliated. I would be less worried about the fact you slapped him and more concerned for your and your childs welfare in the short and long term.

What do you think you should do?

RandomMess Sun 14-Oct-12 21:42:55

Phone WA and leave.

dequoisagitil Sun 14-Oct-12 21:49:50

I know it's hard, but you shouldn't put your dd in that position: asking a 5 yr old whether you should go and stay with friends instead of staying at home to cower from his drunken moods? You should have just taken her out of the situation. She's not old enough to have that sort of choice given to her, for that responsibility.

Sorry, I know that's harsh and it's not easy to see the wood for the trees in your place. You do need to clear the decks for yourself and your dd - he sounds like an abusive alcoholic, and there is no good in living with someone like that.

untouchable Sun 14-Oct-12 21:54:20

No, he is not usually like this as I usually recognize when he has had too much and avoid. He only usually has one drink after golf, I don't know why he hadore today. I worked out a while ago that the only time we argue is when he drinks so I usually just don't engage. Because I jumped in shower and was a bit stressed as parenting solo all weekend.
It's awful because everyone loves him to bits as he is so kind natured so I feel I can't talk to anyone.
I want to put it all behind us but because I weakened and slapped him I am as bad as he is.
Because I have been unable to work he just expects me to do everything in return for a roof over my head, no affection at all, haven't been properly kissed for years or held.
He says he loves me if I ask but not otherwise.
I feel awful as he is a good man but there is something about me that makes him cold.
Dd is asleep and happy in bed now and says she loves her daddy. I know better than to try and talk to him tonight but am so scared he will kick me out tomorrow

untouchable Sun 14-Oct-12 21:57:21

I was frightened that if I just took her it would escalate and that she really didn't want to go. She said she didn't. As soon as he calmed down she was fine. I think I react badly due to past experience with x. Don't want to be a drama queen, just want to be normal

BitBOOwildered Sun 14-Oct-12 22:01:45

I feel awful as he is a good man but there is something about me that makes him cold. angry & hmm

He sounds awful. The fact that he is abusive when drunk is not your fault. I don't understand why you are putting yourself or your DD through this.

Please try to understand that haven't been properly kissed for years or held. He says he loves me if I ask but not otherwise is not a loving relationship and you and your DD are worth more.

BitchyHen Sun 14-Oct-12 22:02:27

This is really sad. Have you got somewhere safe that you and dd can go?

You are not as bad as he is. He got drunk and abused you and your dd. You slapped him because he was shouting in your face.

It's scary, but for dd's sake you need to get away from him.

untouchable Sun 14-Oct-12 22:10:25

You're right, I need to put the feelers out. Don't know what you do with no income? It will break dds heart, I swore I would never do this to her. He is awake and acting like nothing has happened now. I feel sick. Didn't get much sleep last night as suffer from insomnia so going to get an early night and think this through in morning.
Thank you for your replies

LemonDrizzled Sun 14-Oct-12 22:18:46

untouchable have you realised you are in another abusive relationship? You really need to get away with your DD and spend some time looking at why you don't expect better. Your DH sounds very frightening.

Do come over to the EA support thread and read some of the links and chat a bit. There are some kind and lovely people there who will support you.

untouchable Sun 14-Oct-12 22:29:30

How do I find the ea thread?

cestlavielife Sun 14-Oct-12 22:47:37

Your dd needs to know you will protect her. Of course she loves him little kids do. They don't know anything else.
But she sure doesn't want to be scared of dad again does she ?
And you can't always avoid him as happened today.,,,
Speak to women's aid tomorrow talk it thru

BitBOOwildered Sun 14-Oct-12 23:45:54

ea thread

untouchable, I hope my link works and it's to the right thread. You don't have to put up with this. It is not ok.

BitBOOwildered Sun 14-Oct-12 23:49:20

I'm sounding very brusque in my posts, but I really don't mean to! [big unmumsnetty hug]

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 09:39:04

"because I weakened and slapped him I am as bad as he is."

Hardly. Two wrongs don't make a right but, if you are in a very threatening situation being 'poked' by someone who probably has a height and strength advantage then a slap would be construed as reasonable self-defence.

I doubt he is a 'good' man. He's not an affectionate or loving man and his contempt for you and his anger are clearly not far below the surface. You have learned not to engage rather than risk him losing his temper. He's a nasty drunk and both you and your DD were scared of him. I'm not surprised he leaves you feeling cold and sick

It would be one thing if, in the cold light of day, he was prepared to apologise for his behaviour or even be prepared to discuss how things could be improved. It's quite another if he acts as if nothing has happened and thinks he can carry on as normal. That's an abusive man, not a 'good' one.

Protect yourself and protect your child. There is all kinds of financial and other help available for women in your situation. Get informed rather than thinking no income is a reason to stay trapped. Good luck

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now