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Bf admitted to sleeping with his ex.

(133 Posts)
HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:23:55

Bf of a year and a half told me last night that he slept with his ex on a business trip 6 months ago. She lives in another country and he has another business trip planned for the end of the month back to that country. I don't know what to do. I thought we had something very special. We had no problems at the time and are sex life is great. He said that it was just a one nightstand after drinking too much. I asked him why he told me and his answer was because it was nothing and that it ment nothing. I love him and don't know what to do. Today I told him that I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again. Im so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this and I don't have an answer. I want him to be part of my future but an the othe hand I don't want to spend the whole time he is away worrying that he's in bed with this OW. I'm not very good at confrontational conversations and cry easily. Any advice welcome. What would you do..? I can't let him get away with it as an open relationship is fine for some people but not for me. I trusted him 100% am gutted..!

ATourchOfInsanity Wed 17-Oct-12 19:06:00

Go you! Bet he is wondering whether it is too soon to call/msg you!
Well done! Plus good inspiration to keep looking tip top wink

HeartLess Wed 17-Oct-12 15:51:39

Hahhaha grin maybe.

Doha Wed 17-Oct-12 15:46:30

yep Heartless ren feet taller and 14 stone lighter.......

HeartLess Wed 17-Oct-12 14:43:49

Thanks alark I will check out that movie.

A big thank you to all of you for helping me through the past few days.

I feel ten feet tall today and bulletproof with you all behind me.

HeartLess Wed 17-Oct-12 14:39:22

Mumsnet is fantastic. Many a time I've shared something funny with him from here or he has found me pissing myself at the pc and he says oh your on mumsnet again. Thinking that I may need my own confidential advice one day I've always said it's not mumsnet it's NETMUMS grin

alarkaspree Wed 17-Oct-12 14:26:12

I was thinking the film was 'The Tall Guy'. Maybe Emma Thompson has used the line twice.

Really sorry for your situation Heartless.

mrsfuzzy Wed 17-Oct-12 14:15:37

you might well do but that is part of the process hon, you have done so well don't give up now, it's going to feel sad and loely for awhile but you are already starting to see daylight, you got your hair cut for a start that,s positive, keep yourrself busy, the work thing should help too, be sad, be angry don't bottle it up, but don't step backwards you may regret it, move on in your own time you need to heal, and remeber on mumsnet there are countless people to listen to your woes and celebrate the positives.

MyDonkeysAZombie Wed 17-Oct-12 14:12:31

Glad you had some good news yesterday and are feeling better. How lucky you saw him when you were looking great and bustling off somewhere. Like people have said, focus on you and what you want. It's up to him to make the running now and up to you what you decide to do.

HeartLess Wed 17-Oct-12 13:50:18

Thanks dreaming and everyone else.

I had some fantastic news re work yesterday. It booked me up. I got outta bed, eat a little and had a hair cut.

Driving down my street today. Off to a meeting all scrubbed up, I hade been in the same clothes since Saturday. My DC think I had the flu. Anyhow OH has no reason to drive down my street apart from me and there he was. On his way to my house bringing something my DS need for a school project. Neither one of us got out, he handed me DS stuff through the car window. Asked how I was and told me he loved me, I thanked him for the stuff and replied with am in a hurry off to a meeting and I drove off.

Thank God I wasn't sat home crying.. Yeah fuck you for hurting me..!! I did feel I was having a heart attack on the inside tho. But he couldn't have chosen a better time. We have not spoke since the night he told me an he probably thought me being such a safe bet as someone said up post. That I would be just sat waiting.

I still have not decided which way to go yet.? I really do love him...

dreamingbohemian Tue 16-Oct-12 09:20:52

Morning OP, I hope you got some rest.

Having read what others have said, I agree it's maybe not the best idea to contact the OW. I think really you have all the information you need to make a decision, and it's not like you can believe anything she will tell you anyway.

Probably the best thing to do is to start reaching out to your RL friends so they can support you through this. Focus on you and what you need to get through this, try not to think about him or the OW or anyone else.

ImperialBlether Mon 15-Oct-12 21:53:52

My ex used to say to me, "But she meant nothing" and it made it worse, to be honest. To throw away a really good relationship for the sake of a quick shag with someone who means nothing... it's unthinkable, isn't it?

I'd get rid. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain; I know exactly how it feels and it's awful.

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 19:56:55

Cynic, vous, Doha? Never! Realist, maybe grin

Even if you intend to enter a nunnery, Heartless, get yourself checked for stis as there are some nasties around that you may not be aware you've contracted until they've compromised your health.

HissyByName Mon 15-Oct-12 19:54:39

I'm with doha, he's giving himself the 'we were on a break' get out clause.

What a sad and sorry fucker.

Doha Mon 15-Oct-12 18:45:38

Little old cynic me thinks you won't hear from him till he comes back from his visit. having given you a chance to cool of and think about it. Meantime as a free agent he will have free reign to shag ow to his hearts content, knowing he is not in a relationship.

ATourchOfInsanity Mon 15-Oct-12 17:41:31

'Scuse pun about the willies blush !

ATourchOfInsanity Mon 15-Oct-12 17:40:51

Re: the OW. I can understand the temptation but am not sure it would do any good. You will get more info to brood on. You know he cheated - what more do you need?
Unless you wanted to let her know he was still sleeping with you at the time (how many men say the the OW they aren't getting it at home?) and should get checked for STD's (could be an evil way to get the willies up her) but you should definitely voice it as concern and wish her good luck with or without him.
Up to you, but if you do then prepare yourself for the worst, as you say she clearly has no morals (assuming she knew you were together at the time) and therefore could come back with some nasty responses.

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 17:33:33

PS don't contact. The issue is between you and him, not in the triangle. Offers makes some great points.

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 17:25:28

HeartLess I fight the urge to contact OW all the time! So I know the urges.

And 'could I do anything ... hate me less?' is still ALL about him isn't it.

Opentooffers Mon 15-Oct-12 17:20:04

It's the trying to understand why that can do your head in. If the reason determines the outcome then perhaps you are already looking for reasons to forgive his actions.
Actions speak louder than words though. His act was thoughtless, his telling you was cruel and achieved nothing but heartache for you.
Either he wanted to end the relationship and this was his nasty way of doing it or he wanted you to know and accept it so he would be ok to repeat the experience. Whatever the reason, ask yourself if this is the kind of person that you would want to be with.
His evil deeds are done, surely there would only be a glimmer of hope if he were to spend the future showing true remorse and fighting back for you in some way. Sadly, he seems to have checked out or prefers to wait for you to let him off, and still let him go on this business trip - what a nob!

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 17:05:56

What would be the point of contacting his ex? The outcome has already been determined by his cheating and she has no vested interest in telling you the truth of what took place between them.

FGS have some self-resepct and keep your dignity.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 16:43:40

clipped I made him leave told him not to contact me ever again.

dreaming I would not cuss her, but SOME information about what happened would determine the outcome. .?

I thank you both for your time to reply.

dreamingbohemian Mon 15-Oct-12 15:45:40

It's not inherently wrong. What would you want to say?

You might shake loose a bit more information that would be helpful.

If it's just to swear and cuss her out for ruining your relationship, well, it might feel good now but make you wince later.

I would also be worried about giving her that ammunition. What sort of person refuses to move out of someone else's house? If she's a bit crazy, you don't necessarily want to get involved with her directly.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 15-Oct-12 15:43:17

Unfortunately OP by him not contacting you he's showing his true colours isn't he.

None of us are perfect but if he wanted your forgiveness I'd have thought he'd be banging your door down to speak to you.

Good ridance to bad rubbish sweetheart.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 15:33:06

Thank you dreaming but eating is the last thing I want to do. The lump in my throat is huge.

We were totally happy at the time. Like I said reading all his email from the trip there is no clue, apart from no contact one day. But the county is in a much different time zone.

I just want bedtime to come so I don't have to pretend that all is well in this unpredictable world.

Does anyone have any experience of talking to the OW.? I'm getting tempted to message her. It's wrong I know. But should I do it anyway.

dreamingbohemian Mon 15-Oct-12 15:14:29

I know it's hard, but try to eat and rest. Even if you don't feel like it, your body needs nourishment.

I think the only way I could even begin to comprehend staying with my DH, if he cheated, were if we were going through a terrible patch and things were really awful and he thought we were breaking up anyway, etc. (even then, I don't think I could really stay with him).

If we were totally happy, no problems, and he still cheated? No way. I don't see how I could ever trust him again.

Not all men are like this. But you don't even need to think about future relationships just now. Take care of yourself.

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