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Bf admitted to sleeping with his ex.

(133 Posts)
HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:23:55

Bf of a year and a half told me last night that he slept with his ex on a business trip 6 months ago. She lives in another country and he has another business trip planned for the end of the month back to that country. I don't know what to do. I thought we had something very special. We had no problems at the time and are sex life is great. He said that it was just a one nightstand after drinking too much. I asked him why he told me and his answer was because it was nothing and that it ment nothing. I love him and don't know what to do. Today I told him that I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again. Im so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this and I don't have an answer. I want him to be part of my future but an the othe hand I don't want to spend the whole time he is away worrying that he's in bed with this OW. I'm not very good at confrontational conversations and cry easily. Any advice welcome. What would you do..? I can't let him get away with it as an open relationship is fine for some people but not for me. I trusted him 100% am gutted..!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 08:12:03

He just doesn't seem sorry at all does he sad

Mrsterry. I love that line!

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 08:45:16

there were a couple of threads posted on here this morning including mine, someone has been abit cheeky and removed them! one refered [about 6am ish] that maybe you should contact this woman on facebook and ask her what happened, she'd be bound to tell the truth. i responded that it wasn't worth the bother as she has nothing to lose, if a marriage/relationship breaks up why would she care?

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 08:46:38

fuck no he's not at all sorry. Still no call, text or email. My sadness has turned to anger. I'm so fucking angry he threw away everything i thought we had on a meaningless shag.

Me too mrsterry I love the line and will bloody well use it on him when I get the opportunity. I want to hurt him, not physically, but emotionally I want him to feel some of this pain that I feel right now. I know that this feeling is spiteful and wrong but I can't shake it off. I don't normally have a bad side honest. I've only ever heard of the a woman scorned line never actually felt it.

Does anyone know what film the line came from..? I need to see this movie.

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 08:48:48

sorry about last post, cringe, was on the wrong page!!!! well it is monday morning and i've only had two cups of coffee.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 08:55:27

I agree mrsfuzzy she wouldn't give a flying fuck. I will not be making any contact with her. If she had any morals about he she would not have got into bed with him in the first place. Her opinion means nothing to me

A big thank you to you all for your help and advice.

I'm on my second packet of fags in two days. I don't even smoke, gave up last year as BF soon to be EX BF by the looks of things hates smoking. I need to stop when this packet is finished. Also I will try not to drink wine today.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 09:05:32

"The trouble with the internet is: everyone has an opinion. They give it freely, without much thought to the fact they are putting ideas and doubts in people heads. "

I guarantee that if the OP sat down with some good friends and told them what she had told us, she would get exactly the same broad brush of opinions and reactions. Ridiculous and rather patronising to suggest that 'the internet' is putting ideas in her head. I'm sure the OP is not so easily influenced.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 09:12:03

Thanks cogito I appreciate everyone's advice on here. I will take from what suits my situation. But all messages welcome. I have read it through and through. It helps to get a varied response, so I can see it for what it is and from all different angles.

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 09:19:46

Yes, sorry I suggested that. I mean, I am suggesting you do something I have never done! (but the urge to contact OW never quite gets beat, it is a topic of some threads).

Yes HeartLess, you are reading this very, very well. You are now in a power play. He is telling you clearly he doesn't care, is not remorseful and you have to accept the status quo.

IF you give in you have handed serious power in the relationship to him. I so hope you don't.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 09:26:30

Thanks abitw I will not be giving him that power to hurt me again.

I don't want to be anybody's nothing, witch is was I was at the time of the dirty dead.

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 09:44:13

welldone heartless, but like anything else you need to work through the pain and anger in your own time, it will get better and you'll realise that you did the right thing, you can do so much better in life, there is someone out there who is deserving of your love ,.good luck for the future

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 09:55:55

Thank you mrsfuzzy for your kind words.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 10:07:21

"it meant nothing"

For that you should dump him

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 10:08:39

The film referred to upthread is "love actually"

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 10:12:54

I knew he would see her she lives in his holiday home there. She had told him time and time again that she would move out but never did. So they were in the same house. The house has more than one bedroom.

He said yesterday that he will put the house on the market.

I know the trust is gone sad

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 10:14:26

Thanks happy I have that film. Will watch it today.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 10:17:28

If you watch it today, prepare to cry lots more

But maybe that is ok

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 10:38:33

His ex has continued to live in his holiday home thus affording him the opportunity of mixing business with pleasure while saving on hotel bills.

I very much doubt he had a one night stand with his ex and suspect this was more of a case of him picking up with her where he left off, albeit only for the duration of his stay.

I also suspect that history will repeat itself not only on his forthcoming trip but until his holiday home is sold after which, depending on his ex's availability, he's likely to engage in one night stands with her should he have occasion to visit her town/country.

It goes without saying that I may be wrong but you won't know whether I'm right unless you accompany him on his business trips, and when/if he visits the country for the purpose of selling his holiday home, and are able to account for his time.

Overall, it very much sounds as if he's aspiring to emulate the late Jimmy Goldsmith. For some this wouldn't be a big deal, but if fidelity is important to you you've picked the wrong man.

dreamingbohemian Mon 15-Oct-12 10:54:15

I'm so sorry sad

I have a theory, which you probably won't like, but I have known at least two male friends who cheated on their girlfriends and later told them as an (incredibly stupid and immature) way of getting out of the relationship. Basically they would rather be known as stupid eejits who cheated on their partners and got dumped, rather than stupid eejits who broke up with really amazing women for no good reason.

The fact that he is not grovelling and remorseful and begging you to forgive him says it all. I'm sorry but he can't really care about you enough if this is how he treats you.

And no, whatever good times you have, they are not worth all the mistrust and worry you will have to endure going forward for years. Given that he cheated despite everything in your relationship going well, and you never would have known if he hadn't told you, I don't see how you can ever trust him again. I would personally rather be alone than with someone I had to worry about all the time. That kind of anxiety is really bad for you long-term.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 11:05:02

I think perhaps you should look at it as a lucky escape. He is a strange cold man!

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 11:09:49

izzy and dreaming yes that could all possibly be true. I don't know, but what I do know is that he has still not been in touch so it's blatantly obvious that he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him.

I now think that he did want out of our relationship. Spilling the beans and being racked with guilt is one thing but to try and justify it as nothing but a meaningless drunken shag is another matter altogether sad

dreamingbohemian Mon 15-Oct-12 11:24:55

He just sounds awful. I know you're heartbroken but perhaps really you're best rid of him. Who would do this to someone???

Be kind to yourself. Get some RL support, you need it -- who cares if they like him?? They're your friends, they will support you.

musicismylife Mon 15-Oct-12 12:17:01

I haven't read the whole thread and I don't know whether anyone else has mentioned it but is there a possibility that the other woman is pregnant?

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 12:26:33

When dealing with deceivers all things are possible, music, and that thought crossed my mind too.

However, on the subject of what others may or may not have mentioned, you're best advised to get yourself tested for stis asap, Heartless, and if he should come grovelling I hope you'll live up to your name.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 12:45:18

No chance of her being pregnant, shes in her early 50's.

If I had a STD would I have had a sign would things be different down there..? Or could I have one without knowing..? How awful please advise.

NotDavidTennant Mon 15-Oct-12 12:46:38

Sorry, I'm not convinced that this woman is his ex. I think she might be his mistress and "I had one off drunken, meaningless sex with her" might be his way of trying to start softening you up to accept her existence.

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