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Bf admitted to sleeping with his ex.

(133 Posts)
HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:23:55

Bf of a year and a half told me last night that he slept with his ex on a business trip 6 months ago. She lives in another country and he has another business trip planned for the end of the month back to that country. I don't know what to do. I thought we had something very special. We had no problems at the time and are sex life is great. He said that it was just a one nightstand after drinking too much. I asked him why he told me and his answer was because it was nothing and that it ment nothing. I love him and don't know what to do. Today I told him that I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again. Im so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this and I don't have an answer. I want him to be part of my future but an the othe hand I don't want to spend the whole time he is away worrying that he's in bed with this OW. I'm not very good at confrontational conversations and cry easily. Any advice welcome. What would you do..? I can't let him get away with it as an open relationship is fine for some people but not for me. I trusted him 100% am gutted..!

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 19:01:59

Are you a man or something Robyn? Oh here we go - the insults if someone doesn't come down in the 'all men are cunts' camp. I'm soooo sorry >utter sarcasm< I don't hold the same opinion as YOU

Some times it's nice to not go for a gang witch hunt in an effort to make an already down OP totally kicked in. There are other possibilities.

I do wish posters would stop projecting their own relationship posts onto other.

It's too early to tell if you can repair the relationship or whether you are going to tell him to sling his hook for good.

Yes it is too early. People dont shut off feelings immediately. They take time to process and come to terms with. The Op may decide to put the relationship on hold for the moment, next month they might have worked through issues. Or not as the case may be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 19:02:17

Exactly... so examine his real motives for telling you and you'll find they are either all about salving his conscience, which makes him supremely selfish... or they are about making you feel insecure and angry but gambling that you are such a safe bet that you won't go elsewhere, which makes him cruel.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 14-Oct-12 19:04:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 19:20:07

Roybn I like your way of thinking. We were very good together. I am really really gutted.

clam Sun 14-Oct-12 19:21:33

Well, he's clearly not the best thing that's ever happened to you. He's shown himself to be someone quite different.
Can you live with the new him? Someone you'll never be able to 100% trust again?

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 14-Oct-12 19:23:28

My ex would have done the same and this won't be the only thing he will do if you pretend to stay happy with him. It will eat you away wondering.
Don't be a mug.

JustFabulous Sun 14-Oct-12 19:27:15

It was nothing and it meant nothing?

So he shags people and attaches no importance to it?

Think about it.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 14-Oct-12 19:31:22

I reckon the reason he told you now is that he is planning to do it again. By telling you, you have a chance to either put up and shut up (accept it) or leave.

If you dont leave, he knows you are fine with infidelity, and it is his Go ahead card for the future, whether with her or other women.

Why even meet her, if he did not plan to have a shag?

dequoisagitil Sun 14-Oct-12 19:39:42

That's a good point QS makes. Why did he meet up with her? Just because he is there on business, why was there the need to meet up with his ex? It makes it seem planned ahead of time.

boodles Sun 14-Oct-12 19:49:55

Would the 'best thing that has happened to you' have sex with someone else??

MyDonkeysAZombie Sun 14-Oct-12 19:57:56

"I'm so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this"

You've already explained he wasn't remorseful, as he said it was nothing and meant nothing. OP did he himself come up with ideas, how was he planning to fix you being upset and angry?

You only heard from his own lips 24 hours' ago so you are still raw, nobody here demands you make one choice or another, whatever you decide we are here for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 19:58:53

BTW... 'all men are cunts'... no. Just men like this one.

JustFabulous Sun 14-Oct-12 19:59:54

People can meet with exes without wanting to have sex.

dequoisagitil Sun 14-Oct-12 20:02:18

Yeah but doesn't seem to apply in a case where the guy met up with his ex and had sex...

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 20:06:13

I'd be more upset that it was his ex and not a stranger IYSWIM . He had to make plans to meet up with his ex, unless she was laying, legs akimbo on the tarmac and he tripped down the aeroplane steps with a hard on and his trousers round his ankles.

JustFabulous Sun 14-Oct-12 20:07:07

Obviously. But people were questioning why anyone would meet up with an ex if they didn't want sex. Not everyone is a cheat or wants to repeat past shagging.

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 20:12:47

How do you feel about his next trip OP? Not good i guess.

OneMoreGo Sun 14-Oct-12 20:15:49

I agree he is planning to do it again and this is why he has told you now. Your lack of reaction (i.e dumping him immediately) he will take as a covert agreement that it is okay for him to continue this behaviour in the future. ONLY stay with him if you are happy with the idea of him sleeping with her (and indeed others) again and again.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 14-Oct-12 20:28:12

Its weird that he's not remorseful. I get that it meant nothing to him but that he doesn't understand that it definitely means something to you and how it effects you makes him sound really immature. Perhaps I've got this wrong, but it just sounds like he is surprised that you are upset about it.

How old is he?

QuintessentialShadows Sun 14-Oct-12 20:56:39

If he is not remorseful and does not see it as a big thing, there is no stopping him doing it again.

I think, he cant possibly be that into you, if he expects you two not to be monogamous.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 20:56:51

He has a house in that country. She lives in it. She was supposed to move out but never did. He has said today that he will put it up for sale.
He is in his 50's I'm in my 40's

The best thing that has ever happened to me would not fuck around this is the reason am upset, angry and asking for advice on here.

I don't trust him and am still raking my brains as to why he told me.
Im thinking to end it. Maybe that's what he wants to go there a free man and not just have the guilty one night stand, but to get back with her.

My mind is going round and round with all kind of thoughts. I have not slept all night and have just drank a not very helpful bottle of wine.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 14-Oct-12 20:58:43

How do you know she is his ex if she lives in his house?

More importantly: Does she know she is "an ex"?

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 21:00:39

Good point Quint

JustFabulous Sun 14-Oct-12 21:02:22

If you think he wants to get back with her then can you really stay with him?

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 14-Oct-12 21:02:51

Heartless has a point here. My ex was cheating on me with his now gf and I very much doubt told her he was still sleeping with me, if she even knew he was living here tbh. It is all about him and what he wants and feels he can get away with. There is a reason he is this age and not in a long relationship/marriage IMO.

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