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Another 'caught dh with porn' thread but I'm a right fucking mess

(69 Posts)
WhatAGreatBigPileOfCrap Sun 14-Oct-12 16:23:47

So, have suspected dh uses porn for a long time. I've almost caught him at it a few times. Then a couple of nights ago I asked to borrow his phone as mine had run out, cue "erm yeah in a minute" <dashes off to delete internet history>. So this morning I had a sneaky peek at his phone and he'd not been so quick to delete this time. Lots and lots of links to 'pornhub'. We have 2 young children, so I told him he needed to be more careful with what he left on his phone and we would talk about it later. He grabbed his phone to look at what I'd seen, but I had deleted the internet history. He said sorry.

I have avoided him all day but I've just had a look at pornhub. I am clearly completely fucking naive and prudish but I thought it was disgusting, really graphic, made me feel ill and I cannot believe the man I have known and loved for nearly 20 years gets off on this. There are lots of other issues with sex in our marriage, but I think this might have actually finished us off. I'm devastated. Sorry for this long list but I need to offload all the stuff swirling round my head:

He's looked at internet porn before, a very long time ago, I was really upset about it. So I have issues that he's doing it again

We rarely have sex since DC2 was born over a year ago. I had horrible injuries from the birth and even though I am reasonably ok now, I still feel hideous and don't want sex. I have tried to talk to him about this and he wouldn't. He hasn't pushed me for sex. I stupidly thought he was a lovely bloke who was giving me some space while I got over this.

I'm scared by what I saw (nothing illegal I don't think) but freaked me out, I feel like I don't know him. I can't look at him and really don't want to be near him, especially not sex. The thought of even undressing in front of him now feels awful. I'm worried by the frequency of it. He is often keen for me to have an early night. I'm worried about what other things he's looked at. And what he thinks about when we are together, or when we have sex, or when he looks at me.

We have 2 young girls. Somehow this makes it worse in my head. I find him pretty disgusting right now.

He's back home now so can't post anymore, but please help. I am overreacting right? I will get over this right? Please tell me what to do, I know I need to talk to him but I can't trust anything he tells me. My lovely marriage is in a mess. Please help

MaureenCognito Sun 14-Oct-12 16:26:47

i think the porn thing is a symptom of you being tired and sore and overworked.

you need to decide if he can look at porn, if he can expect privacy on his phone and also you yourself get some time to yourself so you can get some sleep!

MaureenCognito Sun 14-Oct-12 16:27:16

i think you are overreacting about the porn tbh - the upset is about the marraige ingeneral right?

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 16:27:49

You Poor thing. No advice really, except to talk to him about this . I know I would be disgusted if it happened to me,

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 16:36:31

The intimate side of your relationship has gone? I don't just mean sex. Unless you get back intimacy - emotional intimacy, then you haven't got a relationship - you have 2 people co-existing.

It's always difficult to know how to word things without another reader coming down on you like a ton of bricks. But people masterbate. Some people like to do that to images.

ErikNorseman Sun 14-Oct-12 16:39:50

Why does his use of porn upset you so much?

I know some of the stuff on those sites is pretty hardcore but it isn't all. It doesn't mean he's into weird or degrading sex, he may be watching regular sex to get a release. If you don't want to have sex then you don't have any right to resent him masturbating (I'm not saying he needs to use porn for that btw) but I wonder if you are conflating the two issues?

MaureenCognito Sun 14-Oct-12 16:41:51

i think you were snooping tbh

WitchesWreakinHavoc Sun 14-Oct-12 16:44:45

I really cant get my head around these porn posts nearly every day.

You dont want to have sex with him?
He doesnt push you into having sex?

If you came on here saying 'My dh has been having it away with another woman' I would understand the problem, but I generally dont understand the problem at all.

If you do not want to have sex with the man you have been married to for 20 years what on earth do you expext him to do?

Quin Sun 14-Oct-12 16:44:55

OP I have been/am going through similar. My DH uses a lot and has also escalated to sexting women he has met online.

For me the marriage is breaking down because of the deciet. I now feel like we're in a parent/child relationship. It has also affected our sex life because he would rather masturbate to porn than be intimate with me emotionally. The first signs for me were waking up in the night and finding him either not in bed or that he hadn't come to bed at all.

Are you able to discuss it with him? What are his thoughts on it?

flapperghasted Sun 14-Oct-12 16:46:29

I found DH had been looking at porn some years ago. He left it on his laptop history. I told him it was a stupid thing to do as it was a works laptop AND we had a small child at the time who used the machine to play games on. I was really shaken by it, and for a while I found it hard to talk to him, but then I realised that it wasn't the big deal I was making it out to be.

I wasn't having sex with him as often as I used to and he was clearly finding a release for that. I tried to imagine if I'd found pictures of him with a real girl or receipts for expensive gifts instead, and I realised that I needed to put it all into context.

We have been married for 21 years now. He no longer has any porn showing on his laptop history, so if he's looking at it still, he's at least not risking my 11 year old seeing anything, so that's fine by me. He didn't suddenly become a monster because of it. He's a normal bloke and porn is just something that he finds good to watch! I'd rather he didn't, but then I'm sure he'd rather I shagged him a bit more frequently than I do, so fair play to him...

I know how hurt and horrible I felt, so I'm not trying to minimise this at all, but it's certainly not an uncommon situation and I hope it helps to know that other people have been through it and come out the other side...

YouSmegHead Sun 14-Oct-12 16:56:01

Have to say op the responses you've had so far are very unusual for your sort of issue.

There is more than 'just' pirn that's the problem I think.

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 17:06:15

There are some nasty unwarranted replies on other threads too... dont know whats happened today.

The thing is OP if it upsets you then it upsets you. I would be upset too. Is he someone that will open up and talk about things? I also think that it's a bit of a shock that you think you know someone and then find something out that you dont like.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 17:08:24

I think the first thing that sticks out is your lack of confidence and your poor self-image. You're clearly very low, you've suffered from the birth and you don't feel happy with your own body. If you're already feeling vulnerable, finding porn is going to hit you particularly hard. You probably need to talk to someone about your birth experience, find a way to get more confident with your body and boost your self-esteem in general. Do you think you could be depressed?

Then the porn use. Does your DH know how you feel about porn? Have you asked him not to use it in the past? Has he lied to you about not using it? You say you've tried to discuss the lack of intimacy in your marriage before and got nowhere... I think now is the time to insist that it gets resolved. He may well believe he's found a solution that keeps him happy and takes the pressure off you, but he has to be told that this is no solution. It's making the problem worse rather than better.

fluffyraggies Sun 14-Oct-12 17:09:43

I was thinking the responses were different from usual today too smeg. In fact, i've found it quite refreshing.

Not all blokes looking at porn is a 'leave the bastard' situation. My views on a partner looking at porn have changed since being on MN - and then changed back again! I used to think that a partner of mine looking at porn was ok'ish as long as he shared (!) and as long as it wasn't impacting our sex life. ie:replacing it.

Then i started reading MN and got all hot under the collar about weather or not my Dh uses it. Daft. Our sex live is brilliant - plus it would be pot calling the kettle black as i don't mind watching a bit of porn once in a blue moon.

I actually have no idea if he uses it without me. He says not but ... ? <shrugs>

Now i've gone back to plan A, and feel that as long as there's trust in a relationship, (re: porn not leading to sexting and escorts) and a level of sex in the relationship which everyone is happy about - then porn ... well ... meh, it's no biggie.

Anyway OP, sorry for the ramble. I would say what jumped out of your post for me was that your DH wasn't interested in talking about how you're feeling. Have you broached the subject again?

duffedup Sun 14-Oct-12 17:19:24

the words i thought he was a nice guy giving me time to get over it are ringing in my head here. he is, he isn't pushing you for sex but he is still a sexual person that has sexual needs and is using porn to release these. would it bother you if you found out he was furiously wanking to erotic fiction in the bathroom every night?
i would say have a chat with him were you are not accusing him and making him feel bad for it, find out what is going on and discuss it. if it is he is using porn as a sexual release then you need to decide if you are going to be ok with that. if not then you are going to have to sort something else out, because you cant expect someone who wants sexual release to stop just because you dont. maybe you guys need to get some counselling to reconnect. p.s you are not hideous i can guarantee you are fab and you partner loves you and wants you.xx

boodles Sun 14-Oct-12 17:21:40

Dispite what other people have posted you are allowed to be upset by your OHs porn use. Your feelings are your feelings and no one should make you feel bad about that.

I think that one of the issues is that he is looking at this rather than being intimate with you. You need to re-build your emotional and sexual intimacy, which hasn't happened since your son was born. Your OH needs to put the energy he uses masterbating into making you feel loved and good about yourself so you can get back your sexual intimacy.

Fairylea Sun 14-Oct-12 17:23:15

I'm also from the porn doesn't bother me camp. I can understand a person seeking visual stimulation when their partner is not wanting sex... although I'm not for one second saying that this is the ops fault. I'm in a sex no interest zone myself since the birth of ds 4 months ago but I do enjoy it when I get myself in the mood... which isn't often believe me !!!

My dh hates porn with a passion and I'd be surprised if I found he'd been looking at it (I actually think I'm more the one likely to look at it not that I have !!) but in previous relationships all my exes had used it and it never bothered me at all. But if it upsets you then it upsets you. It's a difficult one.

I also think it's not necessarily the porn itself but the gateway to other hard-core stuff... the teen stuff is horrid even though they are 18 some of it is wrong to me and I hate some of the bdsm stuff ... I've seen it all.

I would work on your self esteem and then work out what you want to do about your dh. I think they key is if you ban him though he's just going to keep looking at it as it obviously does something for him. It's not an affair.

zombieplanmum Sun 14-Oct-12 17:35:48

as a woman who occasionally looks at porn, i am familiar with porn hub and yes, there is some vile stuff on there, however and im not excusing, there is some fairly tame (ish) stuff on there so just because he is looking at that site, it doesn't mean he is looking at the really hardcore stuff - believe me, there are worse sites. To be fair, if you type in porn on google, porn hub is the first to come up so i imagine that he would have done just that rather than looking for anything specific.

I think the other posters are right you know, the issue is you not having sex, not that he is looking at porn for that reason, my dp and I have loads of sex, we both look at porn, on our own, but openly. I think that is a side issue but of course the fact you are not having sex is making it more of an issue for you. Do you want to have sex? not right now i guess as you are angry but when things are OK? It must be really hard for you after the birth etc, it is really down to your DH to make you feel better about yourself and looking at porn isnt the way is it?? But, he wont be able to mind read, he will just assume you don't want to have sex - men are a bit black and white about these things i guess. TAlk to him, you said you needed to talk, have the conversation about how YOU feel, not about the porn, use it as a reason to have the conversation about how you both can make you feel ready for a more intimate relationship. He may continue to look at porn, masturbation is a funny thing, i do it for stress releif blush and sometimes i just want to get off and not have to do the whole sex thing (tired.com), thats ok because we have a healthy sex life, it wouldnt not be ok if it were a replacement.

zombieplanmum Sun 14-Oct-12 17:40:29

Look, you have said it all in your last sentence "my lovely marriage is a mess" well, it can't be both, it is either not a lovely marriage, but from what you have described it really really is, or it can be a mess. Don't let this thing be a bigger deal than it is. Mumsnet is so vehemently anti-porn, and for many good reasons, but it does not mean that those who use porn are vile perverts who don't love their wives. You have a good man, work through this together, have clear outlines about what you find acceptable. Ask him to show you what he has looked at - you may be shocked, but remember, its just fantasy (for 99% of those who look at it, i know it is for me). Of course if it is questionable (for me that would be anything involving young gilrs) there would be a very different conversation to have, but im willing to bet hes just looking for a lazy wank.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 14-Oct-12 17:47:00

You are NOT overreacting.

You are ENTITLED to feel the way you do - you have the right to feel upset about his use of porn. I would be too sad

I am assuming that you are ok about him wanking though?

LongTimeLurking Sun 14-Oct-12 18:01:57

Your feeling bad about yourself (low self esteem?) and so not into sex, he quite rightly doesn't pressure you but instead looks at porn and presumably satisfies his needs by having a wank.

You suspected he might use porn but didn't ask him outright or have a sensible discussion about it with him, instead went snooping through his private phone history and are now complaining that you didn't like what you found... What exactly were you hoping to find and achieve by looking?

You are of course entitled to object to his porn usage, but I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by doing so? Yes you are married but he is an adult and is entitled to make his own judgements. I really don't see the problem with porn anyway (this is my opinion, others will take a different view/morals on it), as long as we are not talking about anything illegal.

clam Sun 14-Oct-12 18:02:07

Whether anyone else would be OK with it is kind of irrelevant I think. You aren't OK, and that's what counts.

So sorry.

booki Sun 14-Oct-12 18:06:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies Sun 14-Oct-12 18:21:45

OP - i posted rambling about my ambivalence to porn - i don't want you to think for a moment i was trying to tell you how to feel. I was responding to something that smeg mentioned about the lack of fiercely anti-porn responses so far, and adding my apeth about my own changing opinions.

As an aside, I can say from experience though that reading MN can sway opinion. Most times this is a positive thing. Just don't feel bad about something because you think everyone else does, is all really. I think allot of 'on the fencers' about subjects don't often post, and subsequently views given here can seem a bit black or white.

nurseneedshelp Sun 14-Oct-12 18:30:08

I'm not quite sure what all the fuss is about regarding porn! It's consenting adults who choose this as their "career".

I have no problem with porn whatsoever and actually enjoy watching by myself and with my DP.

If your marriage is sexless I think it's good that your husband is using porn rather tgsn an actual woman

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