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What to do?!?

(9 Posts)
bexsybooboo Sun 14-Oct-12 14:23:50

Hi. I posted about 6/7 wks ago and wanted to hear opinions on my current thoughts.
After much soul searching and building up balls courage, I told my dh it was over. I told him I was unhappy, that I cared for him but do not love him in a dh and DW way. I failed to mention the years of ea as was not that brave and at times still feel maybe I am over exaggerating it all (I just don't know).
After 1 week of hell he agreed he would leave .... 6/7 weeks on he is still here through at times some days of hell. I have had it all thrown at me selfish, I don't love my children, it's only you that's not happy and I haven't even tried and should try for everyone. Proper guilt trip and not knowing what his mood will be from one minute to the next.
I take this because I have hurt him, I am the one that's ended it and feel guilty
During this time I have tried hard to find him alternative accommodation, sort out HB visit council for advise and more but he is still here!
He viewed a flat today which was ideal location and price but has advised the only good thing going for it was that it was big!
I am now looking at options but really really didn't want to go legal route 1) for my children dd 14 and ds 5, 2) I am so drained already 3) if I move out with children it is unlikely to be same area and this would really tear them apart especially if schools has to be changed.
If I go legal route occupation order etc, the guilt will eat away at me and it will turn very messy! I don't know if strong enough for this. The other option is I move out to my mums and leave children with dh until I sort it all out without them being totally witness to it all but again guilt over leaving my children behind whilst I deal with it which I will and that it would mean I am a bad mum. I just want to put them first but am so confused on what to do wih causing minimal damage to everyone. Opinions would be good. Sad truth is I am being naive thinking this would end amicable and civil but so wanted to do it with minimum of hurt especially for children and dh.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 16:43:20

If you were in an emotionally abusive relationship you should feel no more guilty about getting yourself and your children out of it than you would feel about getting rid of a vicious dog from your home. Guilt is for people who are doing the wrong thing for selfish reasons.... obviously the spin he'd like to put on it if he goes in for a bit of emotional blackmail and bullying. It would be unwise to leave the children with him as he will use that against you.

Please don't think you owe it to an emotionally abusive and uncooperative man to minimise the hurt. You're not specific about the form of the emotional abuse but presumably that was hurtful and went on for years if you've been driven to the current situation? I'm assuming you gave him every opportunity to treat you decently & stop hurting you and he didn't bother? A decent man would have moved out straight away rather than subject you to 'a week of hell', brow-beating, mood-swings and yet more abuse... Whatever happens next, it's entirely his responsibility.

See a solicitor. This man isn't taking you seriously, is messing you & the children about, and you could very easily be still looking at him this time next year if you don't formalise this. Good luck

bexsybooboo Sun 14-Oct-12 17:32:36

That's why I'm struggling so much. As I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. I feel bad he will have nothing his family aren't great and he will have to start again with nothing. I know it's not my responsibility so why do I feel so bad.
He tells me it is me that is selfish several times a week and several times in one night if he is in a low mood and now I'm starting to believe it, along with I'm tearing the family apart and not thinking or putting the children first.
The EA where to begin as I didn't even want to acknowledge that's what it is and I've allowed it to happen. It's been subtle and not horrible put downs more subtle controlling and me walking on egg shells so he doesn't get cross with me and if we fell out or i tried to be strong his favourite lines to me would be 'here you go playing the victim or woe is me listen to yourself'.
Sadly I still care for him and know I've hurt him and wanted to minimise further hurt or animosity for the children and for him. I don't think of me I haven't in a very long time as that's what I do, i put others first.
I just wanted to try and donut the right way sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:07:03

You feel bad because you're tolerating the presence of someone who is systematically brainwashing you into thinking you're selfish etc. It's a form of torture

The 'right way' is the quickest, cleanest way of getting this malevolent influence out of your life. Divorce. I can't tell you to stop caring for him but, when you are under constant attack by someone who wants to brow-beat you into the carpet and smash your confidence, you cannot afford to be worried about his feelings. All the time you do that, he'll continue with the emotional abuse, continue to take advantage of your good nature and you'll end up anxious and very probably physically ill.

He has no feelings to hurt....

bexsybooboo Sun 14-Oct-12 18:49:01

Thank you for replying it is very much appreciated.

I feel like I'm going mad, sadly I know I have to do this but am scared, I hate confrontation with anyone but especially with dh sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:58:34

How about you call the Womens Aid number and explain the situation? See what they say. Emotional abuse is as crippling as any other type of domestic abuse. If someone's been physically attacked by their partner, there's always the chance the police will take them away, exclude them from the home and the victim can get some respite. When you're being emotionally bullied that option isn't open and the abuse can carry on taking place.... which is what's happening to you in spades.

You don't have to confront this man but, in order to escape from his abusive brow-beating and emotional blackmail, you have to stop feeling sorry for him and see him for what he really is.

bexsybooboo Sun 14-Oct-12 19:32:22

I rang woman's aid and they were good bless them, managed to make me smile in an ironic way when they said 'he's done a good job on you' because of the guilt thing and still trying to put him first smile I had to smile as feel I am losing the plot and its a release (that probably makes no sense at all, but it's my coping mechanism at mo).
I have an appointment on Tuesday with a next link worker who can help me trough the whole process from counselling for me, help for the children if needed and legal side (occupation order, residency order and non molestation order) they are going to go through it all on Tuesday. I was hoping I wouldn't need to do it this way but today has not been good emotionally for anyone and the added fact he has turned down the flat in a great location for him and children to visit has made me realise I don't think he is planning on going anywhere and we can't continue like this especially the children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 19:36:00

Really well done. What you've set in train there is absolutely brilliant and just what needed to happen. You've got a positive army of support there and, in the face of that like all cowards, he'll be on his way..... Good luck

bexsybooboo Sun 14-Oct-12 19:44:40

Thank you cogito. Am am scared stiff though as once I set this in motion, if I thought the last 7 weeks have been hell what is to follow will be hell on earth sad but I can't and won't allow this to keep going on.
He tells me daily I am not putting our children first but that's what I am doing. I don't want them to think this is okay in a relationship or see the way he speaks to me and the way I agree to everything just to keep peace and him happy.
I know my daughter behaves a certain way at times with him as she doesn't like it also when he starts to get cross/mad and i dont want to see her scared or thinking what is the right thing to do to keep dad happy but for the wrong reasons.
My 5 yo ds needs to also experience a relationship where anger and the right to talk to people like shit poo is not acceptable and am hoping it will help with his anger behaviour he demonstrates at times.

Sorry I'm rambling but thank you xx

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