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As he won't go can I and leave the children?

(42 Posts)
Justgoplease Sun 14-Oct-12 11:50:34

That's it in a nutshell.
H moved out in July straight into arms of OW. Now he's back much against my will. They were the happiest few weeks of my life for years sad

But he says he's not going anywhere: 'It's his house too. WE can't afford for him to get his own place' yada yada.

Friends have offered me a room for a while, can I really leave 3 DCs - 18, 16, 11 - when it's likely because of the distances involved, work etc I wouldn't be able to see them more than once a week?

Just to be fair I did have a role to play in him leaving: had an EA, and yes i should have left before i stepped into that swamp, and no it's not an excuse, but see comment above about how unhappy my marriage has been for years

PrincessSymbian Sun 14-Oct-12 11:55:50

I don't see why not but it's your decision to make.

Justgoplease Sun 14-Oct-12 12:00:52

I suppose I'm worried I'm being selfish and abandoning them

NatashaBee Sun 14-Oct-12 12:03:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doha Sun 14-Oct-12 12:03:33

How would your DC's feel about you leaving.
Have you seeen a lawyer to get advice. You could start the ball rolling to divorce while staying in the same house.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 14-Oct-12 12:06:52

18, 16 and 11 are old enough to understand and phone every night/get the bus to visit.

Leave and start saving up a deposit for a place of your own and get your name down for a council house.

mummytime Sun 14-Oct-12 12:13:29

Get legal advice first; free 1/2 hour with a solicitor or CAB.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 12:15:41

Have you started the divorce?

joanofarchitrave Sun 14-Oct-12 12:18:01

I would expect that you moving out would have an impact on your relationship with your children.

I think you need legal advice.

dysfunctionalme Sun 14-Oct-12 12:22:52

My first thought is yes, take the offer.

Like the others say, be clear of your rights.

Will he be okay with being left with the children? My ex would not move out until I couldn't stand it any longer and offered to go, but leave the children with him. He was gone within 2 hours. Could this work for you?

colditz Sun 14-Oct-12 12:24:43

As long as you're not wanting the children to live with you, there's no reason why you can't move out. You may find that they would rather stay in the house they are familiar with.

However, if you would be seeking residency of the children, you need to stay put.

Viviennemary Sun 14-Oct-12 12:29:57

I don't think you should leave. He is the one in the wrong. I'd start divorce proceedings against him for adultery. Also if he moved out I'm not sure if desertion is still grounds for divorce. I imagine it would be. You need some legal advice.

But on the other hand what disfunctionalme says could work if you don't think your husband would stay on having sole charge of the children and house.

BalloonSlayer Sun 14-Oct-12 12:32:19

If he actually moved out and lived with the OW then what's to stop you starting divorce proceedings immediately, naming her as co-respondent. It does not matter that they are not still together, he committed adultery with her, actually moved in with her, and that is the act that killed the marriage stone dead.

With such clear-cut grounds, could the divorce not be pushed forward quite quickly, and who lives where sorted out as part of it. [naive emoticon]

clam Sun 14-Oct-12 12:59:08

There can be all the sensible, practical reasons in the world for you being the one to move out, but I suspect the only thing that will stick in the minds of your children for years to come, is that their mother "abandoned" them.
I'm not suggesting that you are, but that is how they will perceive it.

UnlikelyAmazonian Sun 14-Oct-12 13:06:27

Your husband can find a room through Get divorce proceedings going immediately - you rile, on grounds of adultery.

You could also try speaking to your older two about the situationj - you and your husband both together I mean, talking to them, and perhaps take your younger one with you if you move out while the house is sold/you each find somewhere new to rent. Some honesty and discussions is needed all round here as your children are old enough to cope with and understand the situation even though they will no doubt be upset.

MagicLlamaStrikesBack Sun 14-Oct-12 13:14:38

My mum moved out when I was 16. She moved 15 minutes away.

I felt abandonded. Even now 15 years later I still feel pissed off and hurt about it.

Is it rational .. not even slightly. I understand why she did it. I understand that she was miserable. I understand that her and dad are better off apart than they ever were together.

Its not fair, and its really not right.

ImperialBlether Sun 14-Oct-12 13:34:22

I'm aghast at some posters' responses that you should leave.

It's not just that your children will see themselves as abandoned - you would be abandoning them.

Go to see a solicitor and tell him/her about your husband moving out to live with another woman. Do things properly now.

Don't leave your children. For god's sake, OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 14-Oct-12 14:26:08


Do not take up your friend's offer and leave your children behind. If anyone should move out it is your H, not you.

It sounds like you've been unhappy for years if you've had an emotional affair as well. What is stopping you from making a legal separation now?.

Why did your H move back in?

I would seek legal advice as a matter of urgency. Many men refuse to or say they won't leave; its just another means of controlling their victim.

Justgoplease Sun 14-Oct-12 16:04:45

Thanks for all the responses. Been out of the house to try and think straight.

I do not want to leave the children. No real harm would come to them with their dad, but after 18 years on them all relying on me just to get them out of the door in the mornings, it would be hard for them to cope with his laisez faire, leave everything to the absolute last minute attitude

I'm not sure why he's back, can only assume that his land of milk and honey turned out badly. Don't care enough to ask!

I haven't started divorce proceedings as that would presumably mean having to sell the house and there is not enough equity to buy another on my salary. And I don't want to lose the only asset I have, just to suit him, although I suspect I will have to bite the bullet at some point.

The worst part of it all is waking up and knowing I will have to face him in the kitchen. He's not a bad man, just selfish and beyond irritating. He sees no reason why he can't just slot back in to our lives, so long as we stay in separate bedrooms.

He just shrugs when I say a divorce will cost far more than a room in a shared house. He doesn't see why he should have to live in a room, probably in a grotty area when he part owns our house.

All my friends, who have offered a haven, and work are a two- hour train ride away.

Justgoplease Sun 14-Oct-12 16:08:45

Oh, and I've told that if he won't go, I could and he again just shrugs and says 'ok, your choice' mainly because he has no idea what is involved in keeping 3 kids healthy and happy.

Doha Sun 14-Oct-12 16:18:04

This is no way to live Justgo
Your DC's cannot help but be affected by it.
Please seek legal advice and perhaps start divorce proceedings.

So what if you have to sell the house and can't buy another, you could rent one for you and your DC's.
I really hope you are not doing anything for him while he resides in the house....

Justgoplease Sun 14-Oct-12 16:24:02

Unfortunately Doha I amsad. We have always eaten together as I family and I've convinced myself it's better for everyone if that continues rather than him cooking and eating by himself. And he would milk the martyr shtick. Has called me bloody minded and selfish for trying to find a working compromise.

And if I want a clean house I, with kids help, have to do the work. Which is not much change, but now I feel resentful that he's benefitting whatever housework I do, so do less.

But I did I give up washing/ironing his clothes a long time ago

Doha Sun 14-Oct-12 16:29:15

Well l am sorry but more fool you.
Why should he move out, he is getting his meals cooked and living in a nice clean house.
Stop being resentful and start getting proactive. Stop the domestic services. You cant pretend to eat like a family when you are not a family. He moved back to suit himself-not for your benefit. Eating together is confusing the DC's

Doha Sun 14-Oct-12 16:30:01

If he leaves dirty dishes about put them in his bedroom under his bedcovers.

Justgoplease Sun 14-Oct-12 16:37:17

If I thought putting dishes on his bed would make him go, believe me I would Doha, but it would just ramp up the nastiness all round, wouldn't it?

I don't want to live like this, but nor do I want to turn it into some sort of War of the Roses dramafest.

I just want an amicable separation, to give proper time to a divorce, but I'm going to have to get real aren't I?

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