That's it in a nutshell. H moved out in July straight into arms of OW. Now he's back much against my will. They were the happiest few weeks of my life for years
But he says he's not going anywhere: 'It's his house too. WE can't afford for him to get his own place' yada yada.
Friends have offered me a room for a while, can I really leave 3 DCs - 18, 16, 11 - when it's likely because of the distances involved, work etc I wouldn't be able to see them more than once a week?
Just to be fair I did have a role to play in him leaving: had an EA, and yes i should have left before i stepped into that swamp, and no it's not an excuse, but see comment above about how unhappy my marriage has been for years
Will he be okay with being left with the children? My ex would not move out until I couldn't stand it any longer and offered to go, but leave the children with him. He was gone within 2 hours. Could this work for you?
I don't think you should leave. He is the one in the wrong. I'd start divorce proceedings against him for adultery. Also if he moved out I'm not sure if desertion is still grounds for divorce. I imagine it would be. You need some legal advice.
But on the other hand what disfunctionalme says could work if you don't think your husband would stay on having sole charge of the children and house.
If he actually moved out and lived with the OW then what's to stop you starting divorce proceedings immediately, naming her as co-respondent. It does not matter that they are not still together, he committed adultery with her, actually moved in with her, and that is the act that killed the marriage stone dead.
With such clear-cut grounds, could the divorce not be pushed forward quite quickly, and who lives where sorted out as part of it. [naive emoticon]
There can be all the sensible, practical reasons in the world for you being the one to move out, but I suspect the only thing that will stick in the minds of your children for years to come, is that their mother "abandoned" them. I'm not suggesting that you are, but that is how they will perceive it.
Your husband can find a room through spareroom.co.uk. Get divorce proceedings going immediately - you rile, on grounds of adultery.
You could also try speaking to your older two about the situationj - you and your husband both together I mean, talking to them, and perhaps take your younger one with you if you move out while the house is sold/you each find somewhere new to rent. Some honesty and discussions is needed all round here as your children are old enough to cope with and understand the situation even though they will no doubt be upset.
Thanks for all the responses. Been out of the house to try and think straight.
I do not want to leave the children. No real harm would come to them with their dad, but after 18 years on them all relying on me just to get them out of the door in the mornings, it would be hard for them to cope with his laisez faire, leave everything to the absolute last minute attitude
I'm not sure why he's back, can only assume that his land of milk and honey turned out badly. Don't care enough to ask!
I haven't started divorce proceedings as that would presumably mean having to sell the house and there is not enough equity to buy another on my salary. And I don't want to lose the only asset I have, just to suit him, although I suspect I will have to bite the bullet at some point.
The worst part of it all is waking up and knowing I will have to face him in the kitchen. He's not a bad man, just selfish and beyond irritating. He sees no reason why he can't just slot back in to our lives, so long as we stay in separate bedrooms.
He just shrugs when I say a divorce will cost far more than a room in a shared house. He doesn't see why he should have to live in a room, probably in a grotty area when he part owns our house.
All my friends, who have offered a haven, and work are a two- hour train ride away.
Unfortunately Doha I am. We have always eaten together as I family and I've convinced myself it's better for everyone if that continues rather than him cooking and eating by himself. And he would milk the martyr shtick. Has called me bloody minded and selfish for trying to find a working compromise.
And if I want a clean house I, with kids help, have to do the work. Which is not much change, but now I feel resentful that he's benefitting whatever housework I do, so do less.
But I did I give up washing/ironing his clothes a long time ago
Well l am sorry but more fool you. Why should he move out, he is getting his meals cooked and living in a nice clean house. Stop being resentful and start getting proactive. Stop the domestic services. You cant pretend to eat like a family when you are not a family. He moved back to suit himself-not for your benefit. Eating together is confusing the DC's