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Can you help me support my friend? (DV)

(8 Posts)
CrunchyFrog Sun 14-Oct-12 09:59:26

She and I were out last night, but just in a quiet restaurant, she was not drunk.

When she got home her partner tore into her verbally, and hit her.

She phoned me at 2 am, but didn't want me to come out (she couldn't leave kids, wouldn't accept that they could come too), didn't want police but asked me to be on standby to call them.

She's texted this morning and he is unapologetic, had gone to work.

She is still not leaving. sad

They've been together 3 years, 2 kids, problems started 2 years ago. I have watched this escalate.

I don't know how to help.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 10:08:14

Talk to her again and suggest she calls the police or a womens refuge. Offer her a place to stay again. You may get excuses or she may decide this is the last straw. If she's happy to leave, support her. If she's determined to stay, that's her perogative but do feel free to tell her that you were very frightened for her and are worried that the next time this happens, you might be visiting her in hospital... or worse.

CrunchyFrog Sun 14-Oct-12 10:13:45

I suggested Woman's Aid.

Should I have called the police anyway? I was wondering if it would be possible to call and have them log concern or something, without contacting her, so when she does call, it's already on record that he's dangerous? Or something.

What a mess.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 11:12:41

I think, in an ideal world, that's what you should do. After all, if you heard someone being attacked in the street or in the house next door, you wouldn't hesitate to call 999. Social Services would be interested if he ever attacked her in front of the children. However, most would say to hang back in case involving the police makes it worse for you friend or she feels she has to stop confiding in you. It's really difficult to know what's best when someone doesn't want to be helped.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 14-Oct-12 11:22:13

Having seen my mum go through DV there isn't much you can do except be there for her when she needs you.
Unfortunetly women that are beaten have to realise for themselves it can't go on before they can move forwardsad

Before my mum finally had enough there was no getting through to her and we fell out for a while as she thought i wasn't "on her side".

These men are very manipulitive, controlling and the woman will do anything to prevent herself being beaten all the more even if that means cutting off from friends and family just to do what they think makes their life easier when infact all it does is give the man more control.

Be there for her , give her the relevent phone numbers she may need and hope in time she manages to get into a refuge and away from him or even offer her to stay at yours if it gets any worse.

What ever you do don't badger her to call the police as she won't thank you for it.
It's a sad situation, i hope your friends realises soon that she can leave and doesn't need himsad

CrunchyFrog Sun 14-Oct-12 11:25:28

He's a cunt. I'm already unable to support her as I should, because I can't be in the house when he's there (he's made inappropriate comments/ touching, I haven't told her that, but she knows I can't stand him.)

She stopped confiding as much for a while because she felt ashamed of herself that she kept asking for help, we'd look at estate agents/ houses, start sorting her stuff, and then she'd stay. I've told her the support is unconditional, I'm not judging her for not going, I know it's not easy. She's being financially, emotionally and now physically abused - and from what I know of her sex life, I'm pretty sure that's abusive too, but she doesn't view it as such.

It's escalated because she is trying to assert her independence. This is cyclical, but it gets worse every time.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 14-Oct-12 17:10:17

One day Crunchy, she will leave.
It will happen just not yet and when it does she will have you there for her.
Not trying to worry you but one day he will step too far and that will be the time she leaves for good and never goes back.

If it helps, maybe you could give her a cheap mobile (£20 one) switched to silent only for emergencies incase he takes her phone of her. Put your phone number on it and all the relevent agencies incase she needs to text or phone when in danger.

Never give up on her as that is what he wants ( her segragated) so he can control her all the more.

whatthewhatthebleep Sun 14-Oct-12 17:39:13

yes, help her to feel some control that her choices are there when she is ready...maybe sort out documents, passports, birth certs, financial details, etc...maybe an old handbag in the back of a cupboard just so she would be able to get this if and when she decided to leave...or maybe offer to keep an emergency bag at yours for her, a couple of outfits each and any paperwork she could need, etc....maybe you could hold on to any money she needs to keep hidden and save, etc, or an account maybe she could use that he couldn't know about, etc

It could happen anytime so would maybe be helpful to her knowing she can do this....esp if she was unable to go back to the house later on, etc

The cheap mobile is a very good idea for her...bare in mind if you don't use a mobile payg for something like 3 mths,,they sometimes disconnect the number but otherwise this is a very good idea...esp if he snoops her phone or whatever at the moment.

I think with support like this so she can feel the possibility that she could leave may help her to feel that she really can....whenever she is ready.... and knowing that you are there to support her in it too, is really going to help her get there.

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