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Estrangement from family

(8 Posts)
namechange202 Sun 14-Oct-12 06:58:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EagleRiderDirk Sun 14-Oct-12 07:48:37

I'm sorry you're going brought this. I have no real advice for you. My mother went through similar with her family and they drift in and out of her life all the time. It's taken her a long time to realise that is how it's going to be and accept it. She's generally happier without them, but feels guilty that her parents are old now and feels she should make the effort.

As the (now adult) kids in the middle, my sister and I don't really have any relationship with them. We know them from a distance, but have no real interaction even in this modern Internet world. It doesn't mean anything to us, we never had them so therefore we don't miss them. There are more favoured cousins, but they're not turning out good at all. Gives us a wry laugh. We did have a normal relationship with paternal grandparents, so we did always have grandparents. Also the distance with the maternal family isn't that great (Ireland to England) and they make the effort to see a cousin here a lot, so again cost and disinclination to travel doesn't come into it. It's a harsh lesson to learn as a kid, but it does give you perspective.

I hope this resolves for you in some way x

namechange202 Sun 14-Oct-12 08:28:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 09:10:37

Mine's not geographical, the estrangement is because of (fake) religious intolerance. My maternal grandmother refused to accept my DM's marriage to my DF on the grounds of him not going to the right church but, from what I've since learned of the woman, that was a hypocritical load of old hooey. So we lived about 20 miles away but never met her, never got a birthday card or a Christmas present.

Like the person above, I've occasionally been curious about my maternal grandmother but no more than that really. My paternal grandmother was much closer to me and, while I miss her daily, I didn't even go to the other granny's funeral. In short, it'll be your DM that misses out and not your DCs. Wouldn't worry too much. Her loss.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 09:20:52

BTW.... should add that the behaviour you're describing sounds very much 'attention-seeking' on her part. The more you beg and cajole her to accept the situation and take an interest in the DCs the more she'll love the attention. Keep it civil and mark birthdays etc. but, other than that, keep your news to the good variety and leave the whole 'wish you were here' thing to one side.

namechange202 Sun 14-Oct-12 09:37:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deliasmithy Sun 14-Oct-12 10:05:03

I've not had the same situation, but without wanting to post specifics, there was a big family incident due to my OH marrying me some time ago, that led to deep rifts in his side of the family.

It was terribly sad for both of us to see true colours of other people. Also discovering that some family were very self centered and unable to put their needs and feelings in second place on one issue. We didn't cut anyone off, but turned down all contact for a while to allow everyone to calm down. There has followed an elongated period of time of rebuilding. In my view, things will never be the same again. I can never forget what happened though I'm not actively angry or anything. But I also feel that it can't be the way it was because we have seen how emotionally manipulative some family are. And we now refuse to respond to that.

As other posters have said, it sounds as though your family felt hurt by your decision, are focusing on their hurt and wanting to let you know they're hurt by acting this way. Rather than perhaps feeling sad, but being happy for you.

As disappointing as this is, it's good to have eyes open with people and know what they are like. I think you are very right to concentrate on healthy positive family relationships.

namechange202 Sun 14-Oct-12 10:10:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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