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I would love another baby, dh says no.....

(29 Posts)
Hanikam Sat 13-Oct-12 22:53:41

Feeling very low right now. I had an early mc this week and have coped mostly on my own with my 3dcs, household, work etc. dh was working away in London most of the week and came home last night. I didn't exactly welcome him back home like I normally do, I was angry with him for not being with me when I really needed him.
After putting the dcs to bed, we sat together and he asked me what the matter is (!). Btw he knew I was going through mc when he left for work. He doesn't understand why I feel so unhappy. He thinks the mc is a good thing, that it wasn't really a baby and why am I being emotional. I've tried to get on with things as normal, but the pain is still there. I can't show any feeling in front of him because he says he can spot the "emotional blackmail" (his words) . He says he doesn't want any more children and if I do then I'll have to find someone else.
He is very happy about the mc (hasn't asked me at all how I'm feeling, if it hurts or even what actually happened! He really thinks it's no big deal)
Then he says he doesn't want more children and asks what I want. I tell him how can I answer that? I'm so unhappy about mc, and had been over the moon to be pregnant agin. Honestly, I am craving to have another baby, another little darling to hold and take care of.

Is this so wrong? My 3 dc are all happy (10, 9 and 5) and I feel so ready for another. I feel blessed with the family I have, and I know we could easily raise a fourth child. Larger families seem to be the rule here in Suffolk, rather than the exception.

At the mo I'm writing this in bed, he is Working downstairs. He thinks mc is over and done with and is ignoring me. Pain and bleeding still here, thank God it has eased off a bit. Feel quite run down and tired.

Sorry everyone for such o long rambling post. Don't know what's to do. I'm ALWAYS the one who is optimistic, happy and trying to keep spirits up when dh is sulky and depressive (his moods are v unpredictable....defo off most weekends....usually distant and gloomy and shouty).

How can I get him to understand how I feel without him thinking it's blackmail?
And I don't think it's fair for him to rely on me to keep taking pills for the next two decades. I told him he needs to take responsibility for contraception for a change ( he said, oh you want me to lose my manliness and have bits chopped do you?)
Stuck.....do I just suck it up and carry on, or is there a way to reach him so can know how horrible the mc was, emotionally an physically

stella1w Sat 13-Oct-12 22:59:28

Really sorry you are going through this.

Casmama Sat 13-Oct-12 23:00:55

I'm so sorry that you are gong through this x
Your husbands sounds like he is being a complete dick. I wonder if it would be easier to connect over this if you were talking about the loss of this child and not the issue of whether you will have a future child.

Hanikam Sat 13-Oct-12 23:08:04

He doesn't see it as a child. Only an escape from having one. He is relieved and shows it. Really distant to me, tbh he doesn't do emotions much if they are tough ones. Casamama yes, maybe one thing at a time.

Oh, bleeding is heavy right now....worse than after childbirth. Comes and goes and hurts like a bitch. He is still downstairs, oblivious

fatfingers Sat 13-Oct-12 23:08:22

I am sorry for your loss. Is he always like this or is his behaviour only in relation to your mc?

I agree with Casmama that you need to put the issue of more children to one side for now and talk about the loss of this child and how you are feeling. He needs to understand that you are suffering both physically and emotionally and you need his support.

olgaga Sat 13-Oct-12 23:08:46

I think it must be incredibly tough going through this when you don't both feel the same longing for a child. It's bad enough when it happens when you are both upset. He is relieved, but you are grieving and suffused with hormones.

Have you though about speaking to the Miscarriage Association?
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Give yourself time to recover before you start tackling the gulf between you in terms of what you both want.

olgaga Sat 13-Oct-12 23:09:29

Sorry, link didn't work:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

fatfingers Sat 13-Oct-12 23:10:12

Also, I know this sounds a bit obvious but does he realise what happens when you have a mc? Does he know you are bleeding heavily, exhausted, in pain, etc?

bonzo77 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:13:58

Sorry for your loss. Your DH seems very uncaring. Not sure I'd want to embark on a pregnancy with someone like him....

Having had a mc myself, I know that at the time, the only thing that feels like it might make you feel better is another baby. It's part of the grief, and exacerbated by hormones. These feelings might pass. They might not.

As the previous poster suggested, maybe concentrate on dealing with your loss before contemplating another pregnancy.

As your DH's attitude to the snip, I would probably be saying no to sex until he was prepared to participate in contraception. His whole attitude stinks, and this is part of it. Having said that, my DH is usually pretty supportive but really did not get the whole mc thing. To him it was just a pregnancy, albeit a much wanted one, not a baby.

Hanikam Sat 13-Oct-12 23:14:24

Thanks olaga and casamama first things first.
Dh is used to me supporting him and he is making great play of having a bad back after working hard. Strange how his ailments always seem to coincide with mine. Overall he is ignoring me till I get over it.

Casmama Sat 13-Oct-12 23:18:16

Maybe you need to spell it out to him that you are exhausted devastated and in pain and you really need his support.

Hanikam Sat 13-Oct-12 23:19:32

bonzo77 damn right! That's it, no sex till he can take some control for contraception. So bloody tired. Have to drag myself downstairs for some hot tea.

clam Sat 13-Oct-12 23:42:29

Why the hell isn't he bringing tea up to you?

He needs a good slap, by the sounds of it. But that aside, he's not going to understand how you're feeling unless you spell it out to him. Not that I'd want to be talking to him with the way he's behaving.

Sorry, not much help but am angry on your behalf.

Here you are brew

duffedup Sun 14-Oct-12 01:01:20

he needs a slap like really. and to be told if he doesn't want any more children then he needs to do something contraception wise because you are done with the pill.
he might be relieved and tbh that is in some ways a valid reaction to an unplanned pregnancy but that doesn't mean he can treat you this way. his feelings on this and yours do not have to be the same for him to support you. i would be demanding some love and attention right now or telling him to bugger off and calling in some one that will help you through this tough time. can you get your mum to come help out or a friend if he is being so crap?

shesariver Sun 14-Oct-12 01:12:14

Doesnt matter how happy he was as you said about the mc, there's no excuse for not supporting you now - you sound very much alone. Ignoring you till you "get over it" sounds very cruel to me. Has he been like this from the start? If he didnt want a baby he should be taking more care with contraception!

toptramp Sun 14-Oct-12 01:18:33

That's horrid op; you poor thing. Have some tlc from us. I would seriously reconsider befotre having any more dc with this 'man.' I suspect that he's very gutted deep down but is in denial. If not then he's just a prick.

Hanikam Sun 14-Oct-12 08:10:37

Thank you to everyone for the tea and tlc. Can't say more cos tears are coming

Horsemadhere Sun 14-Oct-12 08:42:10

Morning OP, long time lurker here but I couldn't just read and run...

I could've written your post, 17 or 18 years ago.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

He's not right for you my love. He may of been once, but not now. You deserve so much better. Is there anyone in RL that can help you?

Have to go as DS has bumped his head! But thinking of you

Xxx

differentnameforthis Sun 14-Oct-12 09:02:57

While I understand he doesn't want anymore children (and was ready to tell you so, until I read your op) & I kind of understand him not seeing the miscarriage as a big deal (some people don't, not me...I sobbed when my sister miscarried) I think the way he is being with you is unforgivable.

His wife is suffering & he is complaining about a bad back! Arse.

OP, I hope the pain stops soon. I am sorry that you & your dh seem so at odds with what each other wants. I don't think now is the time to make any big emotional decisions or have any big chats. Things are too raw for you.

Take care.

janey68 Sun 14-Oct-12 09:49:57

I think are 3 issues here.
First, the miscarriage, which is painful and traumatic for you. Your dh ought right now to be focusing on that and supporting you- regardless of how he feels about whether he wanted another child.

Secondly- the issue of how many children. Your dh is perfectly within his rights to not want any more. One thing I notice is that you already have a fairly large spread in terms of age... A 10 and 9 year old, and then a 5 year old, so when the older two were both in school you decided to have number 3. It sounds as though you're doing the same thing again... Youngest child is in school, you're feeling the loss of a cuddly baby and want to have another one to meet your needs. There is so much more to having another child than just the baby years though. You would be introducing another person (they are only a baby for a fraction of their lifetime) into your family. If your dh feels that the 3 children you have are enough, then its totally wrong to think you are entitled to more just to meet your desires.

Thirdly- contraception. Your dh is being completely unreasonable. If he is absolutely sure he doesnt want more children he needs to take responsibility and stop the nonsense about vasectomy being 'emasculating'. Its a great form of contraception for couples who have completed their family

So in a nutshell- he is behaving very badly over the miscarriage and ought to support you right now- but you need to respect his feelings that your family is complete and focus on the future, not hanker after another baby

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 14-Oct-12 10:54:11

I'm sorry for your pain, OP. It's palpable in your post.

I think you will have to clearly separate the two things though when talking to your husband, otherwise it's just muddled and he doesn't seem the most willing of people to connect the dots and see what's underneath. The miscarriage is one thing; he's feeling 'relief', not nice of him to vocalise that as he must realise that you're feeling tremendous sadness about it, but I imagine that he's not the only person to feel relieved that an unwanted pregnancy results in miscarriage.

The wanting another baby; he doesn't - and he's been very clear on that. It will be a dealbreaker for him from what you've posted. You will have to come to terms with the fact that your family is complete - or decide how far you'll go to fulfil your wants.

I would say that contraception is BOTH your responsibilities. I get a bit irritated when I read posts that a woman who decides she'd like another baby when her partner doesn't, decides to abdicate all responsibility for contraception in hope of fate intervening. That is incredibly selfish - for your children - given that it would probably break up your marriage.

Can you see your GP about options for contraception and discuss those with your husband? It's up to both of you, but you'd be very foolish to 'pray for a miracle' or leave it up to your husband given that the ramifications of another pregnancy would be huge for your family. Think calmly and rationally about what you DO want, when you've given yourself time to grieve. Then make your move, whatever it is.

In the meantime, your husband has no right to belittle or dismiss your feelings and he should be pulled up on that immediately, it's not on. If he loves you, he should care about you and your welfare, whether he understands fully how sad you are or not, you feel the way you do. Best wishes.

CailinDana Sun 14-Oct-12 11:09:38

There is no way you should be having another baby with this cunt of a man. I actually can't believe how he's treating you - it's just disgusting.

Was he supportive when your other children were born?

Hanikam Sun 14-Oct-12 13:51:01

thankyou again so much for all your messages of support.
as for wanting another child, i know that 3 are a blessing, and yes i am feeling that all my little ones are growing up and i miss that lovely toddler age.
head over heart, 3 is probably "enough", i know i could manage 4, especially since dh works away a lot of the tiume and it's me doing the childcare.

However, i would never trick him into making me pregnant. tbh, i don't want him anywhere near me which has got to be the best method of contraception ever!

dequoisagitil Sun 14-Oct-12 14:11:06

He sounds like a nasty bastard. Sorry, but he does.

You're living with a man who is routinely miserable, distant and bad-tempered, so you compensate by being the light & happy one of the house? And when you are hurting, he has to have something wrong with him, if you express your sadness he calls it blackmail and you're left to lick your wounds alone?

He thinks he's the only one entitled to feel anything and everything revolves around him. Horrible.

I wish I could bring you a cup of tea.

olgaga Sun 14-Oct-12 14:21:44

You sound so sad, OP. I get the feeling your desire for another baby is more about fulfilling a need for closeness that you are no longer getting so much from your own children, and certainly not your DH. You do sound poles apart, he does sound very selfish but if he's working away a lot I guess he has a need for a bit of attention and nurture too. However, his disregard of your needs is pretty unforgiveable in my book.

If he is that set against having more children he should be getting a vasectomy without any further delay. I think you've probably done your fair share of responsibility for contraception by now. I'd tell him that, and point out that if he doesn't want any more children he'd better get himself sorted.

However, let's face it - a cuddly baby would soon be going to school too, what then - another baby? I think you know that just isn't the way to go.

I know this is pretty left-field, and you won't want to think about it now, but it seems to me you might find some fulfilment as a childminder? There are so many women nowadays who need to get back to work quite quickly after baby is born, and would love someone like you who really cares about young pre-school children.

Hope your physical symptoms have diminished, but seriously don't delay in going to the GP or ringing the MCA for counselling if you need it. These events can trigger depression, and this situation with your DH won't help you.

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